Blog post about controversial relationship manuscript sees web traffic soar!
“If you’ve loved, been loved, have hurt or been hurt , lost or thrown away somebody special, then this book is not only for you but it is about you.”
Wow, my Sunday blog posts have always proved popular with readers (must be all that spare time) but none as much as yesterday’s article about my soon to be revived manuscript about relationships, COMING UP FOR AIR. You can read the original post by clicking here.
Visits to www.adifferentangle.co.uk yesterday topped 14,000, that’s an impressive increase of 1,000+ on the back of the post about the controversial manuscript that’s due to get a dust off next year and redrafted for before being considered for publication.
Some of you have emailed me directly offering your stories as additional material for next year’s redraft. Thanks very much, I’ll be sure to keep some of these in mind if more material is required but, as you’ll read, many relationships follow the same format/formula and are not so dissimilar to each other. The only thing that’s different are the people involved and, obviously, what they choose to do about it.
Which means that I’m really only looking for truly extraordinary subjects now if I’m to make any additions. Especially since most of the chapters have already been mapped out. Of course, that could change for the truly unusual. 
Stay tuned for potential extracts next year!
In the meantime, thanks very much for visiting adifferentangle.co.uk and for interacting with posts to Facebook. Please be sure to share the articles and posts with your friends!
Controversial relationship manuscript to get a ‘dusting’
“The demons are those shadowy thoughts that lurk in the deep recesses of our minds. You know, the painful ones that loiter on the periphery of our consciousness just waiting for a song, place, smell or taste to order them to the fore and remind us just how much we miss someone.” Extract from COMING UP FOR AIR.
So, it’s the early hours of the morning and by early I mean 04,00 and, in the immortal words of Faithless, ‘I can’t get no sleep’.
It’s naturally frustrating because, after a very busy week of early starts, the weekend generally tends to be the time to sleep in yet, for some obscure reason, my body has decided that to get a natural night’s sleep at weekends would be a total waste of perfectly productive and useful time. The nett result is that I have a newfound respect for all fellow insomniacs out there!
The cause of my new-found insomnia is unknown but I’m attributing it to a series of big projects that I’m involved with at the moment; one of them being Casa Bella’s latest event; Halloween which is taking place on October 29th. Things are not exactly going to plan at the moment as I’m having a particularly tough time sourcing the costumes and props that I’d like since these only appear to be available from the USA! What’s that all about? Okay, so maybe our cousins across the pond are more into the whole Halloween thing but don’t people know I have an experience to develop and I can’t do that with the everyday chintz that most UK retailers believe is the only acceptable way of celebrated ‘the dark side’ of the year.
Meanwhile, I’m being continuously asked about new writing projects and, of course, my immediate response is “there’s too much else going on right now” but then I have to ask myself how much of that is ‘writer procrastination’? After all, writers write, don’t they? Even at 04:00 in the morning. So, am I procrastinating? Generally speaking, I’d have to say no as there really are some very important developments happening in my life right now and there truly are not enough hours in the day, hence my body’s compulsion to expel me, most prematurely, from the arms of Morpheus. Mercifully, I’m expecting a lot of this to reach a conclusion by the end of the year.
That said, the other night I was enjoying some well deserved downtime with the somewhat
traditional practice of settling on the sofa with good friends, a snugly throw, hot tea and a good selection of luxury biscuits, when we ended up discussing an old writing project of mine, called COMING UP FOR AIR; a non fictional novel, in some places autobiographical, about relationships. The concept was inspired by the somewhat dramatic collapse of my own six year relationship and reads just like most novels but with a difference; each story is 100% true. The scene setting is based on the narrative as relayed by the real life protagonists. Between chapters, it also features my own assessment of each case but invites you to make up your own mind. Remember, ‘there’s always two sides to every story’ and, where I can, I try to include both, which may explain why this project has gathered the proverbial dust for so many years. The manuscript features just a few of hundreds real life stories, including my own which is not without its own controversy. Of course, as the author, I could exact a few edits here and there but then it wouldn’t be true to the book’s premise or its purpose; which is to highlight why, as humans, we can be so loving yet hurtful to one another.
The good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful in the first draft of Coming Up for Air was compiled over two years, one of these spent researching (interviewing) literally hundreds of people both in the USA and the UK about their personal relationships. I heard all sorts and it has given me a unique insight into the human factor. The process itself turned out to be an incredible adventure featuring a series of planes, trains, automobiles, and SUVs and led to a collaboration with the Pentagon and, by association, members of the United States Air Force and United States Marine Corps. Many interviews took place right here in the UK at RAF Mildenhall and Lakenheath where I was fortunate enough to receive exclusive clearance to the bases and access to US Air Force personnel at the height of the post 9/11 security alerts. Interestingly, the research process led me to the very place where my own relationship began and and where it met its demise; the depths of North Carolina. It was an effective cathartic exercise but not necessarily one I’d recommend.
So, on the charge of procrastination, in this case only, I plead guilty; the first draft of this manuscript has been put on hold more times than most of its protagonists deserve. In hindsight, I realise that this is due to its somewhat ‘explosive’ content; there is much in this manuscript that some would much rather not share with the rest of the world, and I guess this has always troubled me.
However, the recent trip down memory lane has led me to ‘dust off’ (figuratively speaking)the manuscript that I’d started nearly a decade ago to discover that it’s actually over 200 pages long and features some of the most dramatic, heartfelt, inspiring and compelling stories you”ll ever read and, most interestingly, they’re all true, proving that, regardless of our distinctive differences, we’re all, ultimately, just human. (well most anyway).
I had forgotten just how close to completion this particular manuscript was and this author cannot ignore that nor the collaboration of so many who gave willingly of their time and candidly shared the most intimate details about their lives with the view to helping others. Okay, so some did use the meetings as a mini counselling session but I believe it was a small price to pay for such compelling insight that taught me so much about the complexities of human interactions, how we can on the first day be the nucleus of somebody’s life but on the next be marked for outright deletion. Something I learned first hand with my own introspection.
I truly believe that, no matter how regretful, sad or traumatic an experience; everything happens for a reason. That’s why I’ve decided that my realistic resolution for the new year will be to revisit this project and finish it once and for all. Because, in the words of an esteemed US Marine Colonel, “if this book can help just one person then it is well worth our time and dedication”. If you’ve loved, been loved, have hurt or been hurt , lost or thrown away somebody special, then this book is not only for you but it is about you.
Watch this blog for updates and maybe even some tasty excerpts in 2012 but be warned, one of the primary objectives of this manuscript was to record true life, there’s nothing added, nothing taken away which means that whilst it may prove flattering for some, it may not shine as beautifully on others but then again, nobody’s perfect, are they?
Inspiring Happiness…. in pictures..
It’s Friday! and there goes another week….
Most will be excited that it’s the beginning of another weekend. You appear to be equally excited with the previous two ’inspiring’ pictures posts. It seems you can’t get enough of them as there’s been an exponential increase in hits to the blog!
So, with this in mind, I’ve compiled another batch of ‘inspiring’ images but with a ‘happiness’ theme.
Well, it is the weekend after all….oh, and please remember to LIKE our page on Facebook. Be ‘happy’! ;-)
More inspiration in pictures….
Wow, things have been somewhat hectic around here lately and most likely will continue to be so for a while. Therefore, you may have noticed that my posts haven’t been as regular as I’d like. Hopefully, that will change soon.
In the meantime, you may be interested to know that my previous post ‘a little inspiration in pictures’ received an unprecedented amount of hits so I’ve decided to post a follow up, and here it is! If you like them, be sure to hit the LIKE button to become a FAN on Facebook and be notified of all future posts. Enjoy!
A little inspiration…. in pictures.
From time to time, we can all do with a little inspiration to get us through the day… here are a collection of pictures that will, hopefully, do just that.
Did you LIKE any of these images?
Facebook ‘friends’; isn’t it time for a good culling?
“… if your so called Facebook friends are not showing an interest in, commenting on or contributing to the events that take place in your life, doesn’t that just make them a new breed of voyeur?”
I’ve carried out a rudimentary online poll asking Facebook users what percentage of their ‘friends’, on average, they believe interact on a daily basis with their posts to Facebook. Whilst the results are no surprise they remain nonetheless incredible.
It’s the latest must have status symbol, the ultimate kudos, a badge of pride. So, go on, tell, how many have you notched up, Facebook ‘friends’ that is?
The definition of ‘Friend’ is a person known well to another and regarded with liking, affection, and loyalty; an intimate. The definition of ‘Acquaintance’ is knowledge of a person acquired by a relationship less intimate than friendship
So, why don’t you take a few minutes now to scroll through your prized possession, no not your Filofax, ‘that’s so yesterday, darling’, no, not even your little black book but your Facebook friend list, and count just how many of those so called names you’d categorise as the former (friend) and how many you’d categorise as the latter (Acquaintance). Go on, have a quick peak, don’t be afraid…
Now, be honest with yourself, take a gander through the ones you’ve categorised as ‘friends’ and ask yourself the following questions and then apply YES or NO answers.
- “Would I feel comfortable calling this person in the dead of night and asking them to drive 50 miles to pick me up because I was stranded?”
- “Do I know this person well enough and would I feel comfortable asking them for a loan until next pay day?”
- “Would this person nurse me through sickness and would they be the shoulder I’d cry on?”
- “How many of these people regularly (at least once a fortnight) interact with what’s happening in my life, be that on Facebook, email, instant messenger, telephone, fax or snail mail?”
Done that?
Okay, so how many were honest NO and how many YES?
And how many received a YES because they’ve already experienced one or more of the above scenarios with you? Any? If so, total these with pride as they are the average sum of your real friends.
Of course, there are mitigating logistical circumstances that might sway the above result (e.g. these friends live thousands of miles away) but don’t be tempted to romanticise simply because, subconsciously, you believe it highly unlikely that the above questions would never be posed to or tested on these people. E.g. I’m doing that very thing now. I have friends in the USA and I’m asking myself the above questions. Thankfully, I’m relieved to report that they do regularly interact with what’s happening in my life AND I can answer YES to a few of the above scenarios. Phew… I can rest that axe (otherwise known as the Unfriend button)
Because you’ve heard about that, right? The dreaded UNFRIEND button believed to be the modern day guillotine equivalent of the school ground ‘I don’t want to be friends with you anymore’. And nobody wants to be unfriended. Oh, the stigma of it. It doesn’t bear thinking about. Does it?
The Daily Telegraph states that ‘according to a recent poll’, the average person has approximately 150 ‘trophy friends’ (or acquaintances) on Facebook with only 5 ‘true’ friends; that is people with whom they interact on daily basis in the real world. It’s believed that this is because ‘real’ friendships require additional investment of time, emotion and, sometimes, even money. Many with real friends will recognise that when you are actually ‘face to face’, there are many emotional and facial cues, such as a smile, a look and even physical contact (such as a hug or a reassuring touch of the arm or pat on the back). These things aren’t always easy to fake in the real world but they are in the virtual world where it’s all too easy to tell somebody how much you love them without ever having the duty to substantiate it in any way. 
The importance of having lots of ‘friends’ is something that we learn from a very early age; you’re either popular during your most impressionable years or pretty much scarred for life, at least that’s what most behavioural therapists would have us believe, one way or another. Big is ultimately better (so I’ve heard), and this inevitably applies to one’s social circle.
Facebook’s actual ‘friend’ limit is 5,000. After this users receive a message saying ‘this person has is unable to add any friends as they’ve exceeded their friend limit’ or words to that effect. I know this how? Well, I’ve exceeded my friend limit of course; I’m very popular you know! Okay, maybe not. Nonetheless, just like a shiny new credit card, with a limit of 5,000, it’s time to get adding, 50, 100, 1000 ‘friends’, the more the better, right? Well, actually, no.
According to studies conducted by professor Sundar of the Media Effects Research Laboratory, whilst people perceive somebody with a high percentage of ‘friends’ to be popular, attractive, self-assured, those with more than 800 friends are perceived as insecure.
Still, 800 ‘friends’, can you imagine 800 potential messages, 800 potential phone calls, 800 Facebook updates. It’d be impossible to keep up, wouldn’t it? Yes, it would and that’s even if you didn’t have a life! Academics tend to agree and not because of sheer logistics but because our brains simply cannot cope with so many ‘acquaintances’. Yes, that’s right, research reveals that the size of your ‘social circle’ does not necessarily reflect your personality/popularity nor your personal hygiene but is merely a limitation of your neocortex.
Yes, there’s actually a scientific reason as to why, as mammals, we’re unable to service multiple ‘meaningful’ relationships, it’s known as ‘Dunbar’s Number’ (after anthropologist Robin Dunbar) – that is the cognitive limit to the number of people with whom we can socially interact. It’s believed that this limit (or capacity) is imposed by the neocortex (yes, that word again, basically, part of the brain). The magic number Dunbar’s research revealed is 148 (rounded up to 150) but before you start thinking that’s quite a few, the figure is actually based on the number of people you can actually be ‘aware’ of. E.g. relatives you know of, past and present lovers, friends, work colleagues, etc. It would be impossible for you to ‘socially service’ (meet, correspond with, love, hate) all of these people regularly/daily hence why we naturally select only a special few; our ‘social circle’.
Indeed, the level of ‘intimacy’ is measured by that ubiquitous ‘social circle’ that starts with the first five with whom we enjoy a relationship of trust, close intimacy, reciprocity and radiates out to the whole 100-150 people ranging from people you’d like to see once a week to those you’d be happy seeing just once a year. Curiously, regardless of which ring of your circle these people might sit, you’ll still refer to them as friends (at least on Facebook anyway) but the reality is far different. As per the above exercise, when push comes to shove, how many of these acquaintances did you apply YES to and thus class as friends? There’s a lot to be said for that old adage, “a friend will help you move… a really good friend will help you move a body”.
I’m definitely a fan of quality and not quantity. My personal preference is to live life where everything I do, the relationships I have are rewarding, meaningful and fulfilling. I literally do not have the time or the inclination for small talk or vacuous banter with as many people as possible.
A team at Reading University (yes, right here in good ole’ England) are actually conducting research in the Social Network phenomenon and the result so far show that sites such as Facebook and MySpace are actually contributing to the ‘weak ties’ that are people are forging around the globe, and that this could well be the next stage of our social evolution. Scary huh? What this actually means is that old movie favourite; “I’m surrounded by people yet I feel so alone” has never rung truer.
It’s one thing to add people as ‘friends’ to your social network but it’s another to actually express a regular interest in their life events, to nurture, love, support and, on some occasions, put your own life in danger to save theirs.
But is this, ultimately, down to terminology? Linked in has ‘connections’, Twitter has ‘followers’ but Facebook opted for ‘friends’ which implies that these ‘acquaintances’ mean more than they really do.
On the other hand, it has to be said that some people don’t necessarily see Facebook as a ‘close friend’/ family tool, they add people whom they believe will enrich their ‘stream’ with interesting content, these same people may well, over time, become ‘closer’ to them. This is certainly a fashionable way of making new ‘friends’ but the fact remains that unless one is able to ‘socially service’ this contact on a regular basis then they remain not friends but acquaintances.
Whilst Facebook or indeed any other SNS (Social Network Site) will never replace the unique experience of meeting face to face and the reassurance of a physical hug, it is the nearest thing. Our friends have the unique opportunity of letting us know that they may not be in our presence all the time or even regularly but that they care about us and are thinking of us.
Regulars of this blog will know that I joined Facebook somewhat reluctantly (see Facebook police) but I’ve since learned that there is more to the Social Network that meets the eye. Granted, those practices that repelled me from joining sooner still go on today, e.g. the mindless dimwits who continue to believe that the rest of the world may be remotely interested in the tedious status update of “I’m bored” or perhaps they might be riveted with that old favourite post of “I fancy some chocolate”, followed shortly by the sequel, “I just ate some chocolate and it was yummy”. However, I’ve come to learn that those distances that seemed interminable are easily bridged by the spontaneous act of posting a photograph of a day out with the family that, hours later, is viewed and appreciated by friends and distant relatives thousands of miles away or the heart-warming moment when you share news of a momentous event and it’s ‘liked’ by a friend you’d wished had been there to experience it with you but was unable. The things that turn our world; good, bad, happy or sad, shared with the people that truly matter and, most importantly, we know care about what goes on in our life; our family and our intimate friends, those unique, rare and precious organic beings that, not unlike rare flowers, need regular care and attention, love and affection and in return give us the oxygen to go about living our time on this earth perhaps not in perpetual bliss but in warm glow of the knowledge that we’re not alone and that, no matter the distance, they’ll always be somebody there when needed the most.
Alas, as with most fairy tales, there’s always a villain. In this case, the new evolution of cyber apathy that is not restricted to your so called acquaintances but it also applies to family members. That’s right, hard to believe but true. It appears that the ‘trigger’ for cyber-social interactivity is not always born from the need to engage with those nearest and dearest but that this has been superseded by the actual content of the interaction which, translated into English, actually means that it’s the subject and not the subject matter that generally engages our online interactivity. This is coupled with a good dose of that old fashioned ‘tit for tat’. E.g. you may have recently published photographs of a recent event of which you are most proud but the majority of your friends (and indeed family) may not have taken the time to ‘comment’ or ‘like’ (interact) in any way thereby acknowledging your accomplishment and, by association, expressing an interest. This can be hurtful. The real world equivalent would be for you to tell a friend or family member about something of importance and for them not to acknowledge this but to change subject instead. Of course, if this happened on a regular basis, it’s going to leave you feeling somewhat miffed. In some scenarios, it also sows the seeds of cyber ‘tit for tat’; you didn’t comment on ‘my stuff’, I’m not going to comment on yours. The result is the cyber equivalent of that ghost town with the main thoroughfare being the communication channels.
Which begs the question, if your so called Facebook friends are not showing an interest in, commenting on or contributing to the events that take place in your life, doesn’t that just make them a new breed of voyeur?
The ‘watchers’ are the people who like to know what’s going on in our lives by monitoring our news streams but never say a word, comment or ‘LIKE’. What do these people get from this practice? A practice that is clearly frowned upon by Facebook executives who have implemented a policy of banning organisations from posing as individuals as it would enable employees from that organisation to monitor the personal details of an individual’s life.. Watched, not unlike Stalkers, sit in the shadows watching everything yet contributing nothing which begs the questions, why do we give these vultures the best seat in the theatre of our lives? Is it simply to keep the friend number up? Or is it that eternal belief that these individuals may actually be interested in you and your wellbeing?
In the real world, real friends, real people will ‘check in’ on you from time to time, it’s as simple as that. If they don’t, would you consider them a friend?
Let the culling begin!
The ‘defriend’ button must be the cyber equivalent of an ancient marauder, ploughing through your friend list, lopping the heads of smiley photos and trampling over that initial swell of pride you felt when your status read that you’d become friends with a person and several others. Use it and find out just how many people are/were really interested in you and your life. 
Visit your ‘friend’ list and ‘unfriend’ all of those from whom you haven’t heard anything for a very long time, indeed those from whom you have not heard a thing since they opted to become a friend of yours. Then sit back and see how many of those people actually resend you a friend request. Indeed, sit and see how many of those will actually notice you’re no longer ‘connected’ to them. Don’t be disheartened but the sad reality will be that only a very low percentage, if any, actually will notice and that’s not necessarily a reflection of you, your personality but simply the cyber eclectic disorder that many of us are contracting. Be it articles from stumbleupon to momentous quotes that we might one day want to refer to.
And lastly, yesterday, I asked over 1,600 people if they’d be kind enough to contribute to a poll I was conducting about Facebook ‘friends’ and their interaction with your posts. Just 30 of you replied. 60% stated that less than 5% of their total Facebook friend list regularly interacted with their posts.
So, what are you going to do? Are you going to keep the watchers in your life or are you going to visit your friend list and that ever so powerful ‘unfriend’ button?
The choice, as always, is yours.
Surrounded by negative people? Read on…
Have you ever dealt with negative people before? If you have, you will know that the experience can be quite a downer.
I used to have an ex-colleague who was very negative. In our conversations, he would complain endlessly about work and life. He was also very cynical about people in general, often doubting their intentions. Talking to him wasn’t a pleasant experience at all.
The first time we had a meeting, I felt very drained. Even though we talked for only 20-30 minutes, I didn’t have the mood or energy to do anything after our conversation. It felt as if someone had sucked the life out of me, and it wasn’t until 2-3 hours later that the effect wore off.
The same thing happened the next few times we talked. Because he was so pessimistic, his negative energy often spilled over after the conversation, leaving me with a bad taste in my mouth. For a period of time, I was quite bothered by him. I would avoid speaking to him if I could.
After a while, I figured I needed to work out an action plan to deal with negative people. After all, he was/is not going to be the only negative person I was going to encounter in my life. I thought: “For every 1 negative person I face now, there are probably thousands of them out there whom I’ll meet one day. If I learn how to deal with him effectively, I will be able to handle other negative people next time.”
With this in mind, I then brainstormed on the best approach to handle negative people.
Eventually, I researched several key steps to deal with negative people effectively. These steps have proven very helpful in making the best out of my relationships with them. While the people I face today are generally more positive, these steps come in handy when I’ve to deal with a negative person.
If there’s someone negative in your life at the moment, don’t let yourself be affected by him/her. You’re not alone in your problem – Facing negative people as well and dealing with them is always a learning experience. While people can try to get you down, you’ve a choice in how you react to them.
Here are some tips on how to deal with negative people:
Don’t Engage in the Negativity
One thing I found is negative people tend to harp on the bad things and ignore the positive stuff. They also have a tendency to exaggerate issues they are facing, making their predicament seem a lot worse than it actually is.
The first time you converse with a negative individual, provide a listening ear and offer help if needed. Provide support – let him/her know he/she is not alone. However, be sure to draw a line somewhere. If the person keeps harping on the same problems even after the first few conversations, then it’s a sign to disengage.
For starters, try to switch topics. If he/she goes into a negative swirl, let him/her continue, but don’t engage in the negativity. Give a simple reply, such as “I see” or “Okay”. Whereas if he/she is being positive, reply in affirmation and enthusiasm. When you do it often enough, he/she will soon realise what’s going on, and will start to be more positive in his/her communication.
Hang Out In Groups
Speaking to a negative person can be extremely draining. When I spoke to my negative co-worker, I would be mentally drained for several hours, even though we talked for only 20-30 minutes. That was because I was on the receiving end of all his negativity.
To address this, have someone else around when conversing with the negative individual. In fact, the more people, the better. This way, the negative energy is divided between you and the other members, and you don’t have to bear the full brunt of the negative energy.
The plus point of having someone else around is that people bring out a different side to an individual. By having another party around, it may bring out a more positive side in the negative person. I experienced this before and it helped me to see the ‘negative’ individual in a different, more positive light.
Objectify the Comments Made
Negative people can be quite critical at times. They tend to drop insensitive comments that are hurtful, especially if they are directed at you.
For example, I once had a friend who was quite tactless. She would drop jarring comments which were dismissive and critical. Initially I was bothered by her words, wondering why she had to be so critical every time she spoke. I also wondered if there was something wrong with me – that perhaps I wasn’t good enough. However, when I observed her interactions with our common friends, I realised she did this to them too. Her comments were not personal attacks – it was just her being the way she was.
Recognize that the negative person usually means no harm – he/she is just caught up in his/her negativity. Start by learning how to deal with critical comments. Objectify the comments made – Rather than take his/her words personally, recognise that he/she is just offering a point of view. Sieve out the underlying message and see if there is anything you can learn from what he/she said.
Go with Lighter Topics
Some negative people are triggered by certain topics. For example, an acquaintance of mine turns into a self-victimizer whenever we talk about work. No matter what I say, he’ll keep complaining about everything in his job, which becomes quite a conversation dampener.
If the person is deeply entrenched in his/her negativity, the unhappiness may be too deeply rooted to address in a one-off conversation. Bring in a new topic to lighten the mood. Simple things like new movies, daily occurrences, common friends, hobbies, happy news, make for light conversation. Keep it to areas the person feels positive towards.
Be Mindful of the Time You Spend With Them
In my manuscript, ‘Coming up for Air’, I talk about time being a trust fund bestowed on us by our mothers at birth. Each second you spend from this fund is currency that will not be returned to you. Don’t waste pressure currency on a bad and or negative interaction with other people, e.g. relationship. Money badly spent on a parking ticket!
Think about the times you hang out with negative people – Do you feel more positive or negative after that? Same for positive people – How do you feel after spending some time with them?
Whenever I’ve an encounter with negative people, I’d often feel negative after that, like a bad aftertaste. Whereas with positive people, I’d feel extremely upbeat and exuberant. Clearly, there is a spill over effect that takes place even after the interaction! By spending more time with negative people, your thoughts and emotions will slowly become negative too. At first it might be temporary, but over time it’ll slowly become ingrained in you.
If you feel certain people in your life are negative, then be conscious of how much time you’re spending with them. I recommend to limit the duration where you can help it. For example, if they want to hang out with you but you don’t enjoy their company, learn to say no. If it’s a meeting or phone call, set a limit to how long you want it to be. Keep to the objective of the discussion, and don’t let it extend beyond that time.
Identify Areas You Can Make a Positive Change
Negative people are negative because they lack love, positivity and warmth. A lot of times, their negative behavior is a barrier they erect to protect themselves from the world.
One of the best ways you can help a negative individual is to usher positivity into his/her life. Think about what’s bothering the person at the moment, and think about how you can help him/her in your own way. It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate, and you definitely don’t have to go out of the way to help if you don’t want to. The key here is to be sincere in your desire to help, and to show him/her the upsides in life.
Drop Them From Your Life
If all else fails, reduce contact with them or drop them from your life.
Rather than spend your time with negative people, focus on the positive people instead. In the past, I spent a lot of time with negative people, trying to help them with their issues. It drained up a lot of my energy and was often futile, which led me to rethink my methods. Ever since then, I worked on cultivating positivity by hanging out with positive people and sometimes just taking time to evaluate myself and my approach to life. This has turned out to be a lot more rewarding and fruitful.
Remember that your life is yours to lead, and it’s up to you on how you want it to be. If there are negative people who make you feel bad about yourself, work on those issues. With the right actions, you can create a dramatic difference in what you get out of your relationships.
Friday’s 10 ‘interesting’ facts
- Antarctica is the only continent without reptiles or snakes.
- An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
- In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
- Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
- The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
- When George Lucas was mixing the American Graffiti soundtrack, he numbered the reels of film starting with an R and numbered the dialog starting with a D. Sound designer Walter Murch asked George for Reel 2, Dialog 2 by saying “R2D2″. George liked the way that sounded so much he integrated that into another project he was working on.
- The youngest pope was 11 years old.
- Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
- They have square watermelons in Japan – they stack better.
- Heinz Ketchup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
Universal truths
- Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
- At the end of every pub crawl, there’s always a girl crying.
- One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
- You’re never quite sure whether it’s ok to eat green crisps.
- Reading when you’re drunk is horrible.
- Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
- You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
- Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
- You never know where to look when eating a banana.
- Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
- Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
- Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
- You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
- The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
- Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
- Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
- Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
- Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
- Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
- Old ladies can eat more than you think.
- You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.
- There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you’ve got your hand or head stuck in something.
- No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
- Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
- One of the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
- People who don’t drive slam car doors too hard
- You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
- Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
- Bricks are horrible to carry.
- In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
Love; awesome or overrated? You decide.
Okay, so in 2011, it’s much easier to be cynical than it is to either appreciate the state of mind of somebody who’s in love or, better still, express love, whether that be for a family member, partner or friend. 
So, are you a cynic or a romantic? Check out the text and images below, if they make you smile then you have your answer.
ACTUAL CHILDREN ANSWERS TO THE QUESTION “WHAT IS LOVE?”
- “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth” BILLY – Age 4
- “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” TERRI – Age 4
- “Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening your presents, and listen.” BOBBY – Age 7
- “If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend you hate.” NIKKA, age 6.
- “Love is when you tell someone you like their shirt and then they wear it every day.” NOELLE, age 7
- “Love is like the old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” TOMMY, age 6
VARIOUS QUOTES
- Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. - Unknown
- We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly embracing each other - Liciano De Crescenzo
- Love is born with the pleasure of looking at each other, It is fed with the necessity of seeing each other, And is concluded with the impossibility of separation - Unknown
- Love and you shall be loved - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Racism’s double standard
“We’re all too terrified to do or even say the wrong thing; TV shows are banned, products are removed or renamed for fear of causing offence.”
The BNP’s (British National Party) win in London (apparently through proportional representation) has only served to stoke the racism fire. Whether or not this small gain was a message from the British public or something that was won by default, it will have little impact on the crazy practices, such as street name changes, and the omission of baby Jesus from school nativities for fear of offending ethnic minorities.
There is an unambiguous double standard applied to racism that, like zombies, is universally accepted by most white people since it appears to be born out of historical guilt and nurtured by a relentless stream of editorials about institutional racism and commercial victimisation. To me, it’s this hypocritical practice, more than anything else, that is stealthily fuelling the fires of racism much more than any public rally because it is tapping into a common British myth; we don’t complain. “Mustn’t grumble”, perhaps but the majority of us will allow an issue to fester instead. If a hotel room wasn’t to our satisfaction because it was unclean, we simply won’t go back. Instead, most of us just go home and moan about it to friends and work colleagues rather than addressing the root of the problem and soliciting change for the greater good.
If we are all reaching for the somewhat oversimplified aim of coexisting in a multicultural society that shuns the oppression of minorities, preaches equal rights for all and banishes to history the mere idea of an Aryan race, why is it that, in the UK alone, we’re forever spawning new groups and organisations, such as the NBPA (National Black Police Association), BlackEnterprise.com and the FBHO (Federation of Black Housing Organisation), to name a few. And it doesn’t stop and start in the UK but is endemic the world over with television stations like BET (Black Entertainment Channel) and a myriad of others who, in name alone, propagandise elitism, segregation; in so much as they devote themselves exclusively to their respective communities. I mean, can you imagine the uproar if somebody incorporated the WEC (White Entertainment Channel) or the NWPA (National White Police Association). Culturally, such ideas are inconceivable. However, ‘constructive racism’ is good and rife in many organisations so as to ensure a ‘balanced’ proportion of ethnicity. In my opinion, this practice alone stokes resentment because it’s our freedom of choice that is quite clearly being eroded.
So, what’s wrong with any culture/group representing its interests? Absolutely nothing. After all, we can’t profess to pride ourselves with our multicultural beliefs if we don’t encourage diversity. The only problem is that we appear to be suffering from an acute case of indigenous self
deprecation, it’s almost as if we are embarrassed to be British and terrified of championing our heritage, our culture, our country. What’s happened to the Great in Great Britain?
It’s been scared off. We’re all too terrified to do or even say the wrong thing; TV shows are banned, products are removed or renamed for fear of causing offence. The worse thing is that most of these somewhat hysterical knee-jerk reactions are not the brain child of any minority group but of some misguided fool. The effect is the same; we aren’t all equal after all. Some of us are so different that a whole way of life needs to be unravelled to cater for the few of us that are ‘special’ and easily offended.
Yet, you need only listen to today’s hip hop to hear human beings refer to each other as “bitches” and “niggers” (and yes, I nearly wrote ‘N’ instead). But hang on a minute; I thought we were trying to eradicate such words from our modern lexicon? Well, aren’t we? Apparently not, apparently the ‘N’ word is only offensive if uttered by a ‘white’ person but it’s fine if spoken by a black person.
I’m not a BNP member although, to some, parts of this article will probably read like I am, but I do understand and even support some aspects of what the party is trying to achieve, more specifically, its commitment to safeguard our culture, our heritage so that it’s not diluted by our historic quest for a multicultural society. I do not support their radical approach to certain issues since they are not compatible with who we are as a people. Furthermore, it’s my opinion that the BNP’s sometimes fanatical stance has turned it into the pariah in an already culturally paranoid society, to the point where membership alone means you are a racist.
It will take a major image makeover and policy review to make the party attractive to the few practicing patriots whose support will be crucial to its ability to make a difference since, as a people, we often encourage change but don’t embrace fundamentalism. I hope they recognise this and act accordingly since they could be the only thing that stands between further erosion of our national identity and the ultimate demise of what it means to be British.
Originally published in Issue 2 of a Different Angle Magazine
Have you ever stopped to wonder….?
Have you ever stopped to wonder….
- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
- Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
- Why toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
- Why there is a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
- Why you don’t ever see the headline: “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
- Why “abbreviated” is such a long word?
- Why Doctors call what they do “practice”?
- Why you have to click on “Start” to stop ‘Windows’?
- Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
- Why there isn’t mouse flavoured cat food?
- Who tastes dog food when it has a “new & improved” flavour?
- Why people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
- Why your Obstetrician or Gynaecologist leaves the room when you get undressed – if they are going to look up there anyway?
- Why Goofy stands erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
- Why Noah didn’t swat those two mosquitoes?
- Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
- Why sheep don’t shrink when it rains?
- Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
- If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
- Why they call the airport “a terminal” if flying is supposedly so safe?
- Who the first first person was to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”
- Who the first person was that said, “See that chicken there, I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s backside?”
- Why the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, but can’t fix a hole in a boat?
- If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
- What do you call male ballerinas?
- If blind people can see their dreams? Do they dream??
- That if Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
- If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- Why the “Alphabet Song” and “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” have the same tune?
- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
- Why it is when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
- How come we put a man on the moon before realising it would be a good idea to put wheels on suitcases?
- Why brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells are forever?
- How important someone has to be before they can be ‘assassinated’ rather than just plain ‘murdered’?
- How come “phonetically” is spelt with a “ph”?
- Why a round pizza gets delivered in a square box?
- Why people pay to go up in tall buildings, and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
- When you get to heaven / paradise / nirvana, are you stuck wearing whatever you were buried or cremated in forever?
- Why people say they “slept like a baby”, when babies normally wake up every two hours?
- Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
- What would the speed of lightening be if it didn’t zigzag?
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but has to check when you say the paint is wet?
- Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
- Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
- Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
- Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- Whose idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?
- Are there specially reserved parking spaces for “normal” people at the Special Olympics?
- If you send someone ‘Styrofoam’, how do you pack it?
- What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
- Why don’t women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
- If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
- How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
Life’s lessons that I have learned. How about you?
- I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
- I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.
- I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
- I’ve learned that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
- I’ve learned that it’s not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts
- I’ve learned that you should never ruin an apology with an excuse.
- I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better know something.
- I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do.
- I’ve learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
- I’ve learned that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
- I’ve learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
- I’ve learned that you can keep going long after you can’t.
- I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
- I’ve learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
- I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
- I’ve learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
- I’ve learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
- I’ve learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
- I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.
- I’ve learned that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.
- I’ve learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
- I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
- I’ve learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.
- I’ve learned that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
- I’ve learned that your family won’t always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren’t related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren’t biological.
- I’ve learned that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.
- I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
- I’ve learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
- I’ve learned that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.
- I’ve learned that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.
- I’ve learned that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
- I’ve learned that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
- I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
- I’ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.
- I’ve learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
- I’ve learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
- I’ve learned that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
- I’ve learned that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings, and standing up for what you believe.
- I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
Living with the devil; a true story of narcissism
” Those suffering from narcissism will often show signs of excessive (often erotic) interest in themselves. Does this sound like somebody you know or knew?”
We’ve all experienced bad relationships, and it doesn’t matter whether these are personal or professional, the net result is the same; emotional turmoil. I’m no exception. A few years ago, a personal six year relationship came to an abrupt and traumatic end. Like many, I didn’t take it well, I found it particularly difficult to understand why it had happened and “why, as human beings, we can be so loving yet hurtful to one another.” And thus, as a writer, I was inspired to work on a new, non fiction, project called ‘Coming Up for Air’ which had me spend the next year travelling, researching and talking to literally hundreds of people from all walks of life about their relationships. It was an amazing cathartic journey of planes, trains and automobiles. One week I was hanging out in Starbucks, Oklahoma and the other, I was interviewing U.S. Marines on a base in North Carolina. In fact, the project was endorsed by the Pentagon which meant that I was also granted unprecedented access to Air Force personnel on bases here in the UK; Lakenheath and Mildenhall. The interviews took place over a week and they started 06:00 and ended at 18:00 during which I heard many stories but none quite like the one I’m going to share with you. This story is so incredible that it actually dominates much of the manuscript. However, since I can only share a fraction of it, I’ve chosen the part that, in various degrees, affects many of us.
It starts with this forethought: It’s a sunny Sunday morning and the church is packed with worshipers, suddenly, out of a mysterious mist, the devil appears scaring off a panic stricken congregation. Within minutes, the church is empty but for one old man who remains in his seat, oblivious to what has just taken place. A perturbed Satan walks up to the old man and asks, “Do you know who I am?” “Yes,” replies the old man, “I know who you are. You’re the devil.” “Precisely, so, if I’m the devil, why aren’t you afraid of me?” The old man shrugs and says, apathetically, “Because I feel like I’ve been married to you for the last twenty years.”
Forty something Al is a Tech Sgt. In the U.S. Air Force and is one of the most affable people I met during the ‘Coming Up for Air’ project. He’s handsome, deeply in love with his wife and totally devoted to her 8 year old daughter from a previous marriage. A real catch, some would say, so what’s the problem? Well, he’s wife was the devil, or at least her behaviour sometimes made her appear that way. There were unsustainable spending sprees, affairs, emotional blackmail, violent tantrums and bare-faced falsities, and that’s just to name a few. Yet, it took Al, a man of deep southern values, several years before he took drastic action.
You may know the story of Narcissus; a character from Greek mythology who, after peering into a pool of water, fell madly in love with his own reflection. Obviously, his love was unrequited and Narcissus slowly pined away and perished, leaving behind only a flower bearing his name. NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) was first given credence in 1980. Those suffering from narcissism will often show signs of excessive (often erotic) interest in themselves. Does this sound like somebody you know or knew? I bet there are a few of you nodding your head right now. I believe that all of us have come into contact with a narcissist at one point or another in our lives, as I believe that we all have narcissistic traits, albeit, one would hope, in diluted form. So, what exactly is a narcissist and what’s it like to be around one?
A narcissist believes he or she is a superior being, a unique individual who is equalled by none and revered by all, somebody with an over inflated sense of grandiosity who will exaggerate achievements and talents, who will be obsessed with fantasies of success, fame, omnipotence, and brilliance; the cerebral narcissist, and of beauty and sexual prowess; the somatic narcissist. A narcissist will speak just to hear the sound of his or her own voice and will believe that he or she should only be associated with or treated by other ‘special’ or high ranking individuals or institutions. They are egomaniacs, pathological liars, impostors; what they don’t know or haven’t experienced, they will invent. A narcissist is perfectly capable of looking you in the eye and swearing to something that is, often quite clearly, untrue. They will reassure you that they will not do something whilst at the same time plotting to do that very thing. Haughty and arrogant, they will be envious of others and often believe that most people feel the same way about them. They will demand immediate compliance with their requests, and will often explode into fits of rage and frustration if denied, contradicted or confronted. They require excessive adulation, admiration and affirmation, or failing that, they wish to be feared and or to be notorious; ‘narcissistic supply’. Generally speaking, to a narcissist, the people who surround them are judged by the effectiveness of their narcissistic supply. In return they will be devoid of empathy for others since their only priority is self preservation. A narcissist will do anything for his or her own gain and will generally not think twice about stepping on somebody to achieve their goal. They will select acquaintances based on status and their capability to enrich their way of life, be that in their professional careers or in their personal life. Luckily, there’s no evidence to suggest that the child of a narcissistic parent will develop the same illness. It does seem, however, that narcissists are often the result of an abusive childhood, in whichever form since doting and smothering a child can sometimes be just as abusive as beating or starving one. Either way, medical research clearly states that NPD is a personality disorder. As such, it can be the fruit of a myriad of cognitive, behavioural and emotive factors.
All of this does beg the question: why would anybody want to be around somebody like that? Well, that is a good question but why do we put up with any of our partners who mistreat us? I guess it all comes back to those old chestnuts, settling and rationalising. Many of us do this in our relationships, our partner may not be perfect but “treats me right” or “can be sweet sometimes when we’re alone.” I think those phrases pretty much speak for themselves. And some people are happy with that. And, to a degree, it’s understandable.
I was talking to a policeman the other day and he was telling me about a domestic incident where a girl had quite clearly been physically abused by her boyfriend but when the police asked her to press charges, she chose to remain silent. The policeman couldn’t understand why anybody would want to protect someone who had hurt them in that way and, even worse, want to stay with them. Well, there are many reasons why, which would be a chapter in itself, but the bottom line is, our policeman wasn’t privy to all the intimate details of that particular relationship, he was only aware of one aspect. And whilst nobody deserves to be physically abused by their partner or anybody else for that matter, some rivers run deep.
Al’s wife was diagnosed with narcissism in extremis by two of the psychiatrists that she had seen yet in true narcissistic style, and not unlike many sick individuals, she refused to acknowledge her condition. And indeed, so did Al. When he researched narcissism, he was horrified by how many of the symptoms matched his wife’s behaviour. Yet despite this, he refused to believe that anybody could be that bad. Furthermore, he began to believe that he was using what he had learned as an excuse to leave his wife and not accept the responsibility that maybe he played some part in her perpetual state of discontent (that’s true southern values for you). And so he told himself that if he and his wife were to work it out, she would need his help, this is despite the fact that everything he read on the subject pointed to one outcome: narcissists are the type of individuals you should have nothing more but an acquaintance-type relationship with, yet he couldn’t be without his family, more specifically his children
He stuck with it, drifting through the days, adapting and modifying his behaviour in the hope that he would finally find a combination that would please his wife. The reality is that to co-exist with a narcissist, you’d have to never disagree nor contradict, consistently look awed by whatever attribute mattered to them, be that professional or personal, never remind them that there is a real world out there where they are just beings among many, never make any comment that might directly affect their self image, omnipotence, judgement or skills. You’d have to avoid sentences like, “I don’t think you should….” “We cannot…” “You made a mistake….” Never apply any kind of restrictions on the narcissist’s freedom and never refer to yourself in the first person; narcissists regard others as an extension of them. Listen attentively, even if you know what you are hearing is utter nonsense, be endlessly patient, accommodating, never yell back, and completely unemotional. The list goes on but I think you get the point.
Can you really change that?
Or fix it for that matter. It seems to me that that is exactly what Al tried to do. But he was deluding himself. Narcissists are among some of the most complex characters to treat, simply because of that over inflated opinion of themselves. They truly believe that nobody is qualified enough to treat them. A narcissist could sit in front of one of the world’s most eminent doctors and still believe that he or she was not worthy. They are most likely to sit and nod politely whilst processing thoughts such as, “What does he know? What are his credentials? What makes him think he can treat someone as intellectual and complex as me?” and so forth. So, the session is pretty much a non starter. Because, as we all know, one of the basic rules of therapy is that of acknowledgement. “My name is… and I am an alcoholic.” You will rarely hear a narcissist tell you his name and admit to being a narcissist. Simply because he can’t; in his mind, there is nothing wrong with him (or her).
So, does this mean that narcissists should be written off as ‘damaged’ creatures? Maybe brand them with some kind of tattoo on their forehead warning that they should not be approached under any circumstance. Well, those who have been unfortunate enough to have experienced a relationship with a narcissist will probably scream for immediate legislation. Others, perhaps the most rational among us, would advise to seek nothing more but a platonic-type relationship to avoid being sucked dry by the endless demand for ‘narcissistic supply’. Despite this, there are some, the few, easily mistaken for masochists, who know full well the traits of their significant others yet choose to stay or even more incredibly delude themselves that they might be able to change them. Serial adulterers, gamblers, etcetera. We all enjoy a challenge, and what better accolade, what better proof of devotion than to know that your partner changed a life long habit just for you?
Narcissists cannot be changed. That is why after approximately seven years of marriage and trying, Al finally came to the conclusion that things simply were not working and he suggested a trial separation to his wife who was, not surprisingly, enraged. How could he possibly ask her to leave her home? She even called his mother, “Do you know what your sorry ass, b***ard of a son asked me to do today?”
Leaving his wife was one of the most difficult decisions of Al’s life yet, like many of us, there comes a point where we simply are unable to cope any longer. We will go through so much and then, like some kind of a circuit, a switch is thrown and we are emotionally shut down. It is in this condition that, as human beings, we’re able to deal with the unthinkable. In this case, it was divorce.
That day was a blur for Al who was emotionally drained by the whole experience. To him, it seemed to take the judge minutes to approve the dissolution of what appeared to be a lifetime’s commitment for him. Yet he didn’t feel anything. Nothing like the way he thought he would and somehow, in some kind of perverse way, he started to believe there might be something wrong with him. How could he possibly not feel? Was it his fault that it had come to this? It wasn’t. Al was just grieving for the impossible. The reality was that, as a ‘fixer’, he had always tried to fix those things he believed brought his wife misery but he had to finally come to the conclusion that sometimes, not matter how hard you try, some things simply cannot and will not be fixed.
The 21 habits of happy people
“Happiness is a habit – cultivate it.” ~ Elbert Hubbard
Happiness is one aspiration all people share. No one wants to be sad and depressed.
We’ve all seen people who are always happy – even amidst agonising life trials. I’m not saying happy people don’t feel grief, sorrow or sadness; they just don’t let it overtake their life. The following are 21 things happy people make a habit of doing:
1. Appreciate Life
Be thankful that you woke up alive each morning. Develop a childlike sense of wonder towards life. Focus on the beauty of every living thing. Make the most of each day. Don’t take anything for granted. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
2. Choose Friends Wisely
Surround yourself with happy, positive people who share your values and goals. Friends that have the same ethics as you will encourage you to achieve your dreams. They help you to feel good about yourself. They are there to lend a helping hand when needed.
3. Be Considerate
Accept others for who they are as well as where they are in life. Respect them for who they are. Touch them with a kind and generous spirit. Help when you are able, without trying to change the other person. Try to brighten the day of everyone you come into contact with.
4. Learn Continuously
Keep up to date with the latest news regarding your career and hobbies. Try new and daring things that spark your interest – such as dancing, skiing, surfing or sky-diving.
5. Creative Problem Solving
Don’t wallow in self-pity. As soon as you face a challenge get busy finding a solution. Don’t let the setbacks affect your mood; instead see each new obstacle you face as an opportunity to make a positive change. Learn to trust your gut instincts – it’s almost always right.
6. Do What They Love
Some statistics show that 80% of people dislike their jobs! No wonder there’s so many unhappy people running around. We spend a great deal of our life working. Choose a career that you enjoy – the extra money of a job you detest isn’t worth it. Make time to enjoy your hobbies and pursue special interests.
7. Enjoy Life
Take the time to see the beauty around you. There’s more to life than work. Take time to smell the roses, watch a sunset or sunrise with a loved one, take a walk along the seashore, hike in the woods etc. Learn to live in the present moment and cherish it. Don’t live in the past or the future.
8. Laugh
Don’t take yourself – or life to seriously. You can find humour in just about any situation. Laugh at yourself – no one’s perfect. When appropriate laugh and make light of the circumstances. (Naturally there are times that you should be serious as it would be improper to laugh.)
9. Forgive
Holding a grudge will hurt no one but you. Forgive others for your own peace of mind. When you make a mistake – own up to it – learn from it – and FORGIVE yourself.
10. Gratitude
Develop an attitude of gratitude. Count your blessings; All of them – even the things that seem trivial. Be grateful for your home, your work and most importantly your family and friends. Take the time to tell them that you are happy they are in your life.
11. Invest in Relationships
Always make sure your loved ones know you love them even in times of conflict. Nurture and grow your relationships with your family and friends by making the time to spend with them. Don’t break your promises to them. Be supportive.
12. Keep Their Word
Honesty is the best policy. Every action and decision you make should be based on honesty. Be honest with yourself and with your loved ones.
13. Meditat
Meditation gives your very active brain a rest. When it’s rested you will have more energy and function at a higher level. Types of meditation include yoga, hypnosis, relaxation tapes, affirmations, visualization or just sitting in complete silence. Find something you enjoy and make the time to practice daily.
14. Mind Their Own Business
Concentrate on creating your life the way you want it. Take care of you and your family. Don’t get overly concerned with what other people are doing or saying. Don’t get caught up with gossip or name calling. Don’t judge. Everyone has a right to live their own life the way they want to – including you.
15. Optimism
See the glass as half full. Find the positive side of any given situation. It’s there – even though it may be hard to find. Know that everything happens for a reason, even though you may never know what the reason is. Steer clear of negative thoughts. If a negative thought creeps in – replace it with a positive thought.
16. Love Unconditionally
Accept others for who they are. You don’t put limitations on your love. Even though you may not always like the actions of your loved ones – you continue to love them.
17. Persistence
Never give up. Face each new challenge with the attitude that it will bring you one step closer to your goal. You will never fail, as long as you never give up. Focus on what you want, learn the required skills, make a plan to succeed and take action. We are always happiest while pursuing something of value to us.
18. Be Proactive
Accept what cannot be changed. Happy people don’t waste energy on circumstances beyond their control. Accept your limitations as a human being. Determine how you can take control by creating the outcome you desire – rather than waiting to respond.
19. Self Care
Take care of your mind, body and health. Get regular medical check-ups. Eat healthy and work out. Get plenty of rest. Drink lots of water. Exercise your mind by continually energizing it with interesting and exciting challenges.
20. Self Confidence
Don’t try to be someone that you’re not. After all no one likes a phony. Determine who you are in the inside – your own personal likes and dislikes. Be confident in who you are. Do the best you can and don’t second guess yourself.
21. Take Responsibility
Happy people know and understand that they are 100% responsible for their life. They take responsibility for their moods, attitude, thoughts, feelings, actions and words. They are the first to admit when they’ve made a mistake.
Begin today by taking responsibility for your happiness. Work on developing these habits as your own. The more you incorporate the above habits into your daily lifestyle – the happier you will be.
Most of all: BE TRUE TO YOURSELF.
© Copyright Cindy Holbrook
Stealing your identity is easy. Here’s how.
” I’d heard and read so many stories about identity theft…so I decided to conduct my own experiments. I must stress that I have no previous investigative training or exposure to methods in which to obtain such information. What I do have is a laptop, internet access, a mobile phone and a credit card.”
“For security purposes, please confirm your date of birth and the first line of your address…” Sound familiar? It will if you, like many today, conduct your affairs over the phone.
Data protection protocols such as these were introduced to comply with the infamous Data Protection Act of 1998. You know the one that rubs most
of us up the wrong way? Generally, because we’re busy and don’t have the time to be on the phone, waiting for a monotonous recording to call out numbers like telephone bingo, then demand we select one so that it may proceed to patronise us by apologising for the wait, explaining that its due to the unusually high number of calls and promising that a representative will be with us shortly. Then, many minutes later, during which we can feel ourselves growing old, a representative, often sounding bored and with a northern accent, finally takes our call and allows us to burden them with the nature of our enquiry.
So how many times have you been told by the person taking your call that they are unable to help? “…because of the data protection act, we’re only able to discuss the account with the account holder.” Now, I don’t know which grates me the most; the fact that I pointlessly ran the gauntlet of numbers or the fact that call centre operators tend to cite the Data Protection Act as if it were a mystical incantation that will make me go away so that they can get back to the chin wag that was taking place before I rudely interrupted. These people are actually giving ‘the act’ a bad name in so far as instead of it being synonymous with data security and the protection of privacy, it’s now generally associated with unhelpful automatons. Guidelines state that operators should explain why they don’t feel comfortable sharing information (they’re unable to verify the identity of the caller, the information is of a sensitive nature and can only be discussed with the account holder, etcetera). Yet it’s only natural that those with legitimate intentions, such as families enquiring on behalf of an elderly relative or wife calling about a telephone bill that happens to be in her husband’s name.
So, do you feel that the act protects or hinders you?
If you feel it’s a hindrance, it could well be due to the hypocritical way in which government bodies are handling this business. On the one hand there is ‘the act’ (albeit with a bad name) and on the other there are everyday stories of bumbling politicians leaving laptops on trains, civil servants throwing CDs full of data into the garbage and pen drives left in taxis. Never before has our data been this vulnerable. And what’s being done about it? Well, there’s undoubtedly a lot of talking but not much action not even against the morons who clearly don’t take our privacy very seriously and often instead of getting the sack are given a slap on the wrist and sent on to prove their ineptitude once more. Maybe if they found themselves out of a job, they might think twice about their carelessness with sensitive information next time. Harsh? I don’ think so, since I believe that if I’m entrusted with information or indeed the money of many citizens then I should be ensuring that I perform my duties to the best of my ability rather than adopting a slap dash approach of, “if it isn’t mine, it doesn’t matter.” That said, if we don’t care how we handle our own personal data then how on earth can we expect a civil servant to care?
“Knowledge is power” or, more specifically, “data is power.” And big companies (like supermarkets) are spending phenomenal amounts of money getting the edge on their competitors. Many have discovered the power of loyalty ‘cards’; to us, a few extra coupons every quarter, to them, thousands of pounds worth of fortune telling; how often we dye our hair, stock up on sanitary products and even have sex, its all in the scan of a card. Knowing when they will sell more of what means that inventory levels can be reduced and logistics coordinated to maximise profits. What you buy and where in the country is sifted, collated and pie charted to see what type of person lives where, how much shoppers in a specific city are spending on luxury items versus everyday essentials (rich versus poor), how much on the latest DVD box sets, versus arthritic potions (young versus old). Instant demographics means the ability to target specific products, prices, offers. These are added savings that would have otherwise cost the company thousands, possibly millions per annum. Of course this isn’t an exact science but an average is better than nothing (this is after all how many government statistics are published). Whilst most people will pause for thought when considering how much these corporate peeping toms know about us, others will ask what all the fuss is about. So what if retailers are able to pitch the right products and offers to the right people? How you feel is purely subjective. The point is that in the 21st century, data is king, if “the computer says no,” then it’s no. Even the humble rent book is no longer stamped but swiped in the form of a plastic card with that all powerful magnetic strip that attracts and retains all of your personal details.
Campaigners warn against “a surveillance society” in which the state acquires greater powers to track the movements of citizens and retain personal data. A few years ago, government plans for a database holding details of our telephone calls and emails was branded as ‘Orwellian’ and shelved whilst ministers ‘consult’ further. In the meantime, there are an estimated four million surveillance cameras in the UK and its DNA database is the largest in the world. Not surprising, since UK law allows police to take DNA samples from anybody who is arrested and retain them indefinitely regardless of whether or not they are convicted. Yet the government insists that surveillance cameras and DNA samples are “essential crime fighting tools.” And many will agree. “If you don’t do anything wrong then you’ll have nothing to worry about.” What do you think?
There is so much on this subject that I could fill a whole magazine and not just an article. What does concern me is the accessibility of our data and the absence of comprehensive checks to ensure that what information is held on us remains private. I’d heard and read so many stories about identity theft and the fact that it is on the increase that I decided to conduct my own experiments. I must stress that I have no previous investigative training or exposure to methods in which to obtain such information. What I do have is a laptop, internet access, and a mobile phone.
The phrase “keeping up with the Jones” originated from a popular comic strip and is, like it or not, embedded in the psyche of many people which means that with the best will in the world, especially in the current economic climate, the last thing you want to hear is your neighbour crowing about his brand new car and about the fact that he got it with an exclusive discount and that he paid for most of it with cash. Now, you would think he’d make such a claim because it was true or simply because he believed you wouldn’t be able to find out anyway, right? Wrong. This is what I found out.
Take a look at the car’s number plate, dealers will often brand this with their name for marketing purposes. Type the company name into your favourite search engine and be rewarded with their contact details. Give them a call and ask the anonymous question, “I’m interested in buying a car but I have some ‘ethical’ concerns about which company you might refer my car loan to. Could you please confirm the name of your finance company?” Dealers are always on the look out for new business; don’t expect any resistance to your question. Now, use your trusty search engine to find the finance company’s contact details or simply call the dealer back and this time tell them that you’re a customer and need to speak to somebody about an existing car loan. For the next part, you’re going to need the name of your neighbour and their address. Well, you already have those. You just need to know their date of birth. What? You’re not that intimate with your neighbour? Oh well, never mind, there are many websites out there who are able to help you. It’ll cost about £9.00 but for that you’ll get a whole dossier which will include but is not limited to: confirmation mailing address, phone number, names of all other household occupants, the price of the house, the names of previous occupants, family history. If he or she is a director of a company, then you’ll get the name of the company, address, position in the company, confirmation of date of birth, neighbouring address information, including bought and sold price, directions to their house, oh, and if you’re really interested, an areal photograph that you can zoom into! And all this is perfectly legal. No dodgy site or anything like that. The information is gleaned primarily from the electoral roll; the rest is collated from a selection of perfectly legal databases. So, now, if you’re were truly devious and want to illegally impersonate your neighbour, give the finance company a call and when they say, “For security purposes, please confirm your date of birth and the first line of your address,” you’ll have all the information you need.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. For £20, I was able to log onto a website and track my ex down to an address in Atlanta, United States. The dossier contained current abode, contact details (current and pervious telephone numbers), time at current abode, property owner (whether owned or leased), current occupants, next of kin, family members and their contact details, neighbours, their contact details, the value of their properties, criminal convictions (passed and pending), and the list went on. Oh, and the website was running a special offer: for $2 dollars extra, I could get current email addresses and mobile phone numbers. This is one of the many reasons why identity theft is on the increase. Latest estimates have put the cost of fraud to the UK economy at £1.2bn. Moreover, these figures are set to rise with the current ‘crunch’ as more and more people find themselves out of a job and desperate.
Data accessibility is making it much easier for criminals to get a hold of our personal details and use these to claim state benefits, open bank accounts, apply for credits cards and even obtain false official documents, such as birth certificates, passports and driving license. The worse thing is that if your identity is stolen, you won’t know anything about it until it’s too late. Most tend to find out when they actually attempt to make a benefit claim only to discover that they’re already claiming or when they are refused a credit card because they’ve already maxxed out the other five cards and 3 loans they didn’t know about. There are many ways a criminal can assume your identity, one of the most common ways, believe it or not, is to rifle through your trash cans. Yes, your refuse could prove a veritable banquet for voracious fraudsters. All it takes is a discarded letter. For example, you may resist taking up a promotional offer from a catalogue company, you screw the leaflet up and throw it in the bin, and you might even rip it up a few times. Not good enough. It doesn’t take a krypton factor champion to reassemble several pieces of a document that more than often contains not only your name and address but also your account number. If not, you need only say, “Hello, my name’s Jo Bloggs and I live in this street and this town with this postcode. I’m sorry, I don’t have my account number at the moment but can you track me down by my postcode. What’s that? For security reasons, you want me to confirm my date of birth.” And there you have it. Before you know it, you’ve charged thousands of pounds of electrical goods and, in some cases, a new set of underwear that you haven’t even clapped eyes on.
So, what’s the government doing to protect us? Well, sadly, not much. In reality, there isn’t much it can do except hope that the natural gravitational pressures on institutions to protect themselves and their customers from fraudsters will force them into introducing stricter security protocols. Some already have, by introducing password protected accounts and additional security screening but, as you’ve seen above, some of this is woefully inadequate.
The irony is that most of us, who haven’t yet been victims of such crimes, are actually irked by the inquisition we’re subjected to each time we try to conduct our affairs over the phone, such as talking to the phone company. The reality is, utility bills are widely used as proof of identity when applying for important financial transactions, such as mortgage, car loan and, most important of all, mail redirection. Another popular tool used by fraudsters. Imagine for a second; how often (unless you’re expecting something) do you worry about not receiving post? For most, no news is good news. Not necessarily. No news could mean that your mail has been redirected to a PO BOX falsely registered by someone in your name. It only takes a few days worth of your post to get a handle on your identity. If you’re a registered on Royal Mail’s website, you can apply for a redirection online and subsequently confirm your identity with a variety of documents, one of them being (you’ve guessed it) a utility bill. It has to be said that Royal Mail claim to work hard to “stamp out fraud” because they take the problem “very seriously”. I dare say, perhaps not as seriously as the fee payable with each redirection application.
There are many things you can do to protect your identity and most you will have heard of before so rather than patronising you, I’ll just say that if you want to know more then simply revisit your trusty search engine, type in identity fraud and you’ll find a list of sites brimming with practical albeit obvious (for some) advice.
Originally published in issue 5 of a Different Angle magazine.
Controversial blog post makes local press!
The controversial blog post about S-Burlesque which sparked a row over St Neots’ Facebook profile has been read and picked up by the local press. 
In May I wrote about local dance troupe, S-Burlesque, and how these classes were having a positive impact on women in the region. This story turned out to be one of a Different Angle’s most popular posts, a copy can be read by clicking here.
The story was picked up by Cate Munro of the Hunts Post and published in this week’s edition of the local paper but, not unlike other aspects of this story, has a downside; the contact phone number is incorrect, it’s actually Lola’s old mobile number and the picture that is featured was taken by yours truly during this photo shoot but credit was not attributed to me. I guess that’s another email about copyright rights that I need to write today!
If you’d like to read the Hunts Post, check out this week’s edition of the Hunts post or click here to read the PDF online.
The St Neots profile is an organisation? Call the Facebook police!
What a day! But normal service is slowly being restored.
The Facebook profile linked to this blog underwent a necessary transformation today from an ‘individual’ type profile to a ‘place/organisation’ page in order to comply with Facebook terms and conditions. So what happened?
I created the St Neots Facebook page a few years ago for another website that I was contributing to. However, it was never used and I don’t think the ‘friend’ count rose far above 100. Fast forward a couple of years and I decided to link this blog to the Facebook profile. Suddenly, it sprang to life and, before I knew it, the Facebook ‘friend’ list rose to 1,300 and was climbing until…..
I received a nasty message from somebody (yes, you know who you are) saying she thought the St Neots profile was just a vehicle promoting Burlesque and had nothing to do with the town of St Neots. I explained (in my nicest professional tone) that the feature on Burlesque (which happens to take place in St Neots) wasn’t any different to some of the other articles or indeed adverts that have appeared on the St Neots wall but the answer obviously didn’t satisfy her because she then chose to continue her argument by commenting on the St Neots wall.
Knowing that the conversation was feeding into everybody’s news stream and not wanting them to be bombarded by the endless wall entries, I deleted her comment and continued the conversation via direct messages. However, she didn’t take her deletion kindly and proceeded to send me more direct messages vocalising her displeasure. In one of them she suggested that I consult Facebook’s terms of use as I was clearly in direct violation of them.
I took up her suggestion and did the appropriate research. Sure enough, Facebook terms state that you have to be a person/individual to create a conventional profile on Facebook. If you are an ‘organisation’ (St Neots, an organisation?) then you need to create the appropriate ‘page’.
Armed with this information, I knew it would be a matter of time before this ugly head would make another appearance so I decided to look into the process of converting the St Neots profile. However, before I had the chance to download all of the posts and associated information (suggested before the conversion process), I received a WARNING from Facebook telling me that I had been reported as an ‘organisation’ user! You can imagine my horror: me? An ORGANISATION ‘USER’? Whatever next?
So, I decided to bite the bullet and go through the conversation process which, not surprisingly, failed at first.
The net effect of this process is that you’re no longer a ‘friend’ of the St Neots page but a ‘fan’ which means that you can see everything posted to the St Neots wall but the St Neots wall can’t see everything that’s happening on yours. Which is good, isn’t it? All’s is well again in St Neots land. Apart from the fact that there are now technical difficulties that are preventing the St Neots page from actually being found by anybody! So the battle for normality continues. Meanwhile, I’ll still be working hard to compile and write posts that you will find of interest and, of course, serve the community by posting announcements to the wall that the ‘fanbase’ might find of interest.
But try as I may, we must all be minded by the simple fact that “you can’t please everybody every time.”
So, it’s down to you, trusty readers/fans. CLICK LIKE and SUGGEST the St Neots page to your nearest and dearest and even a few strangers. The more people click LIKE and become a fan, the more popular the page will be.
We’re aiming for a 2000 strong community before the end of June and I’ve got some presents for some lucky followers who help in achieving that goal! :-) But more about that later.
In closing, thanks for your support and special thanks goes out to the lady with the red hair for taking time out of what must have been a very busy day to write to me and share a piece of valuable information. You may want to contact Huntingdon and several other places I found during my research. I think they too would benefit from your wisdom.
T
Do you know ‘the lady of the fridge’?
A few years ago, I published the December edition of a Different Angle magazine. It featured an amply proportioned lady in her underwear as she
rummaged through the refrigerator. Remember it? Well, it’s the front cover to the right. (those Facebook readers will have seen a Facebook censored version. Yes, believe it or not, they don’t like women in their underwear! Yes I know you’ve seen worse but, hey, that’s just how it is). The image was supposed to be reminiscent of Christmas and how, with the best restraint in the world, most of us overindulge.
That edition received an unprecedented flurry of emails. As an editor, I couldn’t have been happier; readers were connecting with the magazine cover and were loving the image; they wanted to know the identity of ‘the lady of the fridge’ and, before long, my SISTER started receiving her own fan-email.
That’s right, people were thinking that the image was of her! I have to confess, I thought the whole thing was hilarious. That was until she started receiving emails from people she hadn’t spoken to in years, all congratulating her on her new found fame. To compound the issue, we still owned a grocery store back then so you can imagine Francesca’s bemusement when they all greeted her with a wry smile as they collected their morning paper. She said, ”The whole thing was quite funny at first. That was until it continued into the next day, the next week! I wouldn’t have minded but I wouldn’t be seen dead in that kitchen, and those kitten heels!”
I was even ‘forced’ to write a statement in my next publication, confirming that the ‘lady of the fridge’ was not my sister, that her identity was unknown, and that it was simply an image that I liked and purchased.
Fast forward to Saturday, a couple of years later, and I find myself in the company of a trio of semi clad women and no, this wasn’t the result of an alcohol fuelled orgy but me reprising my role as a photographer.
The location was my home. Our famous dining room to be exact which had, on this occasion, been transformed into a makeshift studio.
My models varied in age. We had a twenty something year old spring chicken who’d look good even be
draggled by that proverbial bush backwards, and two other ladies in the ‘prime’ of their life. One of them was my sister. The purpose of the photoshoot was to take some pictures of the twenty something year old (sorry, I’m not allowed to use her name as she’s probably still in bed as I write this and I’m not sure she’d want me publishing her name for professional reasons. Um, it wouldn’t matter how I wrote that it would still sound wrong) for her website and Francesca simply wanted some pictures of her and her friend in various outfits for fun (and their Facebook profiles, I bet).
So, to be perfectly honest, I went into the photoshoot thinking that things might be slightly ‘easier’ with a twenty something girl but perhaps not as ‘easy’ with my lovely, more mature, sister and her gorgeous friend. Well, I could never have been more mistaken; the day flew by. All of the girls looked fantastic and were a joy to work with. “I’ve had a fantastic day. It was a real confidence booster” said my sister’s friend.
But the reality is that, many years ago, I used to work as a semi professional photographer but this passion took a back seat to my true passion (writing, of course) and has remained somewhat dormant until now. It’s a great feeling to know that, after all these years, I’m still able to frame a decent photo and I’m seriously considering reprising that roll (with any spare time I can find), all I need now is to choose my subjects.
The Death of Marriage
“Man, the so called hunter has now become the hunted with unorthodox females adopting sexual guerilla tactics to lure, seduce and consume their chosen mate”
We’re days away from summer! And there’s a distinct possibility that you, a relative or an acquaintance are busy organising some aspect of a wedding, you know that special often very expensive event that has many breathless with nervousness, the same that takes months, (if not years) of dating, organising, negotiating, compromising and weighing so that you can live one day like a movie star with cameras flashing, people fussing and eyes watering as you legalise your commitment to your soul partner in a ceremony which for some, generally those guests that you hardly ever see but had to invite because it would otherwise look bad, went on a bit.
In reality, it’s not long after the rice has settled that the mass migration of guests begins and its off to the reception that (if you took out small mortgage) takes place at a nice hotel with an ‘oldie woldy’ decor or (if it’s a wedding on a budget) will take place at an old village hall or in somebody’s back garden. Regardless of the location, most will be plied with copious amounts of alcohol and just about enough food to see it to the end of the evening when, with blistered feet but still with a smile on their face, the happy couple will make their way to their hotel room or (if they’re lucky or rich enough) to the airport and onto a flight to some exotic location to consume even more alcohol and finally the marriage.
Because that’s the process, right?
Step 1 – You date
Step 2 – You get engaged
Step 3 – You get married
Step 4 – You ‘consume’ the marriage
Step 5 – You move in together
Step 6 – You start a family
That’s how it goes, isn’t it? No? You mean this wasn’t the process you or most of the people you know followed? Tut tut. So, which steps did you and yours take and in which sequence? Stop for a second to consider that. Generally speaking, the more ‘mature’ you are then the more you are likely to have followed the above steps in order.
Why? Well, I don’t think it’s because you didn’t enjoy the liberation and the excitement of your youth because most people do (even if they don’t truly appreciate it at the time). No, there’s one simple reason, and that is that the more we regress in time the more, as individuals, we would have been expected to do what was commonly perceived as ‘proper’. The above steps are ‘proper’ according to our social psychology, oh and the bible of course. At least it used to be. Fast forward and few hundred years and you can pretty much mix and match the sequence as you see fit without having to worry about any particular social stigma, unless you’re religious; the bible tells us that sex before marriage is not only a sin against God but it’s a sin against mankind. This philosophy is true of most religious cultures where the corruption of purity and morality is still dealt the harshest of punishments, such as the rack of personal failure, the guillotine of social isolation and the drowning weight of shame, to name a few. This is somewhat ironic since some of the religious initiatives that purport to preserve purity have been accused of degrading it. This is true of the so called Purity Ring which is sold directly to adolescents or their parents as gifts to their adolescent children. The acceptance of the ring is accompanied by a vow of celibacy until marriage. However, some say that the vow may as well be to have a life of psychological disorders brought on from the pressure not to fail and the depression and anxiety brought on in the event of failure. Although what draws the greatest criticism is the idealistic belief that a ring and a vow is enough to avoid pregnancy and the spread of sexual diseases. Conversely, ‘the ring’, is believed to contribute to the increase in both.
Whatever your opinion, the fact remains that, these days, sex outside out of wedlock is pretty much the norm and that almost mythical virginal bride is slowly but surely becoming the stuff of fairytales.
The ‘sacred feminine’ may have been persecuted centuries ago by the church but she came back and with a vengeance, cleverly exploiting that very thing that resides in every heterosexual male’s basic genetic programming; to pursue, to woo and to conquer a woman’s sexuality not only to satisfy physical and emotional urges but to ensure the continued survival of the human race. This basic natural law has endowed woman, the so called weaker sex, with spellbinding power over man but only for as long as she keeps her sexuality, um, sacred. This is the very thing that for centuries has fed that old belief that if a man sleeps with multiple partners, he’s a stud (conquered many) but if a woman does then she’s ‘easy’ (allows herself to be conquered too easily). This power shift was and, for some, still is a sore point since sometimes, “a good reputation is all a woman has.” Perhaps but the power struggle continues with today’s young women seeking equality not only in the boardroom but in the arena of life. Man, the so called hunter has now become the hunted with unorthodox females adopting sexual guerrilla tactics to lure, seduce and consume their chosen mate, and this isn’t for life but for as long as it pleases them, often just one evening, one hour or even a few minutes. Gone is the old adage of love at first sight, this has now been replaced with sex at first sight. Compatibility with a mate is not assessed by personality, things in common, their star sign, financial status or even their blood group but on their willingness to have some fun. This ‘fun’ generally takes place at weekends and is often initiated or fuelled by alcohol.
The same alcohol that the UK government has estimated costs the NHS £1.7 billion a year in hospital admissions with latest figures showing that there are over 57,000 NHS hospital admissions per year in England with a primary diagnosis specifically related to alcohol. This number has risen by 52% since 1996. What’s worse is that over 9% of these patients were under 18 years of age. It is believed that one of the reasons for this extraordinary increase is the fact that alcohol is now far cheaper than ever. In 2007, alcohol was actually 69% cheaper than it was in the 1980s (which is somewhat ironic considering the UK government’s perpetual tax increase on the product.) All of this is a far cry from chaperoned evenings for three, again, introduced to preserve the sanctity of a woman’s virginity until her wedding night, a concept that today is more commonly seen as romantic yet ‘unpractical’. We’re now able to ‘try before you buy’ most things, why not apply this principle to something as momentous as marriage? The answer is, we are and, more disturbingly, we’re also applying the same rule of a money back guarantee, in the form of a prenuptial agreement or lawsuit for the purpose of obtaining a ‘settlement’. The so called ‘institution’ of marriage has now become a commodity, an article, a possession that many are using for as long as is suits only to then claim a refund when it isn’t quite working the way it used to when it was first acquired. And why not, why persevere with something when, in true consumer fashion, getting a bargain on a divorce is so easy, with basic ‘divorce packages’ starting from as low as £25, all you need is the internet, a credit card and you’ll have that man (or woman) washed right out of your hair in no time. The epitome of our fast moving, self serving world: “Why bother spending time trying to salvage your marriage when it in itself is a waste of time? Swap your current partner for one that makes you happy.” What? No time to go out on the prowl? No problem, with that trusty credit card and an internet connection, you can get 3 FREE months membership to one of the world’s leading dating agencies and you’ll be flirting in no time. What’s that? You don’t want to burn your bridges too soon. No problem, membership has its privileges, your account is discreet and password protected which means your husband or wife need never know what you’ve been up to so you can flirt until your heart’s content. Then, once you’ve met the new partner of your dreams and are feeling more confident, you can break the news to your spouse (and your children if you have any) that you’ve decided to move on. And don’t worry about that infamous social stigma, it’s a lot of hot air, UK online dating is as popular as ever with an estimated annual spend of £60m.
So, bearing all that in mind, why bother getting married? What exactly is the benefit? It’s not spending time with the object of our affection because we’re already doing that, it’s not moving in with them because we’ve already done that, it’s not carnal pleasures because, well, we’ve all been doing that, so it must be having babies. Well, it’s not that either because more and more people are having babies regardless of their marital status, or age for that matter. “After all, when is a good time to have children?” This is a question I’ve personally heard several times. Well, I don’t know, let’s start with you being old enough not to have to wear a school uniform, then maybe having a job and some disposable income after paying your bills and you aren’t still living at home with your parents. I think that pretty much covers some of the basics. There is undoubtedly a growing and rather worrying apathetic approach to social responsibility, for some it’s due to the eternal struggle to make ends meet; no matter how hard your work, money never seems to be enough so some reach a stage where they give up; if money’s never enough then we may as well take the plunge and what will be will be. For others, those completely devoid of any self respect or morals, it’s the belief that the world (tax payers) actually owes them something combined with the fantasy that they’re rebelling against the system, against what is ‘socially acceptable’.
So, by today’s standard, what is and what is not socially acceptable? Well, I conducted a basic online poll of 50 people of various ages, male and female, which may or may not be indicative of public opinion but is nonetheless interesting. I asked what they believe was indicative of today’s society, these are the results: Sex before marriage = 65% Sex after marriage 6%. Babies before marriage = 53% Babies after marriage = 12% Living together before marriage = 47% Living together after marriage 12%. When asked if they supported this new culture, 29% voted that they did versus 24% who voted they did not. If these alarming results are anything to go by then it’s clear; that institution known as marriage is slowly but surely dying (if not dead already) and many of us are quite happy with that. This is the message we’re sending to impressionable teenagers; marriage is just a very expensive excuse for a knees up with an equally expensive holiday thrown in for good measure, especially when considering how easy it is to get out of a difficult, angst packed youth and into your own home. Okay, there’s just the minor inconvenience of getting pregnant (is that really an inconvenience?) oh and living in a hostel to get yourself bumped up the council’s waiting list but the reward; your own abode with all expenses paid. It’s not all bad, it beats the stress of having to work all hours. And there’s no incentive to get out and actually earn a living because to do so would mean losing a raft of benefits. Most people on this type of benefit will tell you that they often better off claiming than working. It’s almost like being a ‘surrendered teen’ rather than a ‘surrendered wife’, you may have to adapt to living off the basics but you get a ready made home including a ‘husband’ and ‘child’. Skip your youth and go straight to family life but without the sacrifices.
Now, how many people over the age of thirty reading this article had the luxury of adopting this strategy when they were a teenager? (or had the guts to)? The worse thing is most of these instant family recipes lack the basic ingredient for a successful home; life experience. Some are barely out of school. And it’s getting worse. In 2007; there were over 40,000 conceptions in England involving females under the age of 18 with almost half leading to abortions. There were nearly 8,000 conceptions for females under the age of 16. Progress? The reality is that, like it or not, education starts at home. Good morals, a sense of self worth and a strong work ethic must be indoctrinated from an early age by parents, backed up by the education system and not vice versa. It’s this basic lack of foundation that is breeding (if you’ll excuse the pun) a new generation of apathetic, self indulgent, misguided and disillusioned civilians who, tragically, are setting the same standard for future generations.
For course, and thankfully, there are still some exceptions to this rule, so please don’t email!
The question remains; what would we be as a race if we lacked any kind of moral structure? Marriage; the union between a man and a woman (or civil partnership) is the very fabric of our society), it’s the legal ceremony that holds us accountable to each other, a contract that literally states that through thick and thin you’re committed to take care of your partner. It’s where you say, okay, things aren’t always going to be perfect but that’s exactly why I took the time to get to know you, consider my finances to see if I can afford to move in and spend the rest of my life with you and, all being well, have our own family. And if we don’t, well, at least we’ll still have each other. That’s why it all started in the first place, isn’t it?
There’s a common misconception that if you’ve lived with a partner for a couple of years that you get the same rights as a married couple, this is not true. The so called ‘common law’ marriage does not exist. Couples who live together have hardly any rights when compared to married couples, e.g. your partner doesn’t have to pay you any maintenance if you gave up your job to look after the children (although they would have to pay child support), if you live in a home that is rented by your partner and he or she asks you to leave or walks out, you’d have no automatic right to stay. This is also true if you live in a mortgaged home without any form of cohabiting agreement. Furthermore, your partner would have the right to walk away with any savings or possessions purchased by them. You’d only have rights over your things or items you co purchased. This is assuming you both agree to split these. Furthermore, should your partner die without a will, you’d have no entitlement to state bereavement benefit nor any pension based on their national insurance contributions but, most importantly, you’d have no rights to their estate; this would pass automatically to their immediate (or blood) family. I can confirm that there have been some suggestions but there are currently no plans to change the law nor, some would say, should there be if we want to preserve the importance of marriage.
Are you stepping up to your responsibilities?
“…for some, this is the necessity to work for a living and then make the most of what little social life they have left. For others, it’s their amoral abuse of the welfare state…”
The other day I was reading an article about teenagers who apparently are not getting enough sleep due to an increasing number of electrical distractions in their bedrooms, such as MP3 players, mobile phones, TVs etcetera. Apparently, more than a quarter of the thousand 12 to 16 year olds surveyed admitted falling asleep either watching TV, listening to music or with other equipment still running. A third said that they slept, on average, for 4 to 7 hours per night. Experts recommend eight. 40% of those surveyed said they were often tired during the day whilst only 10% placed importance on a good night’s sleep. 
This worrying news, known as ‘junk sleeping’; sleep that is neither the length nor quality that it should be in order to feed the brain with the quality of rest it needs, appears to be on the increase and the stern advice is that children be educated as to the importance of sleep. Now, I ask you, is this really news to you?
It’s understood that our society is changing and my mother doesn’t hesitate in reminding me that, when she was a child, she was lucky to have food on the table. It’s no mystery that a good night’s sleep is important to all of us and not just our children. If you were to read the article at face value, it would be easy to mistake technology as the new villain of our modern age but isn’t this the usual case of moderation? “You can have too much of a good thing” becomes synonymous with “you’ve been watching TV for too long and now it’s time for bed.
I’m a self confessed gadget freak but it doesn’t matter how nifty these things may get, there’s always one thing that tells me when enough is enough, and that’s my common sense. It’s a parent’s responsibility to look out for the well being of a child, whether that be ensuring a good night’s sleep or helping them develop with a basic moral foundation that enables them to get the best out of life. Good parenting is not allowing them to spend an extraordinary amount of time with the electronic babysitter or allowing them to roam the streets after the watershed just to get some peace after a hard day at work.
In a world where ‘instant messaging’, ‘instant credit, ‘fast food’ and ‘24 hour shopping’ are king, you would have thought that each of us would have copious amounts of free time but do we? How many people do you know have actually confessed to reaping the excess of free time that instant gratification has afforded us? How many do you know that, as a direct consequence of this, are relying less on the electronic nanny and are opting instead to spend quality time with their children?
There’s no doubt that some parents are fighting back, determined to repossess their role from the invader gadgets but the sad reality is; it was never taken from them, they gave it away, relinquishing their parental rights in favour of other priorities in life. For some, this is the necessity to work for a living and then make the most of what little social life they have left. For others, it’s their amoral abuse of the welfare state that is funded by the hard workers in our society who often keep multiple jobs to make ends meet after a chunk is skimmed off in taxes and handed out to those whose only concern in life is how far their ‘job seeker’s allowance’ will stretch down the pub.
Meanwhile, the rest of us are paying to keep a roof over their heads, feed and educate their children for their introduction into society. But that’s another article.
Originally published in issue 4 of a Different Angle magazine.
Cambridgeshire catches Burlesque fever!
“…it was that or pole dancing but I somehow couldn’t see myself shimmying my rather voluptuous body up and down one of those things!”
What does the word burlesque mean to you? Does it conjure images of semi clad ladies with tassels in conspicuous places? If it does then you’re not in the minority. The official definition of Burlesque is parody, vaudeville, but it is beginning to have a far deeper meaning for many women across the county, and the other evening I set out to discover exactly what.
The kindness of talented people
The location is Peppercorns Music Academy in Little End Road, Eaton Socon where I was fortunate enough to bump into one of St Neots’ kindest men, Steve Muzolf, with whom I’d had the pleasure to work nearly two decades ago when I was writing and producing plays for Cambridgeshire. I was impressed to see first-hand what he’d managed to achieve with his dream venue dedicated to the artistic education of the youth. Good on you Steve!
More Kylie than an ageing Elisabeth Taylor
Peppercorns is also where Mademoiselle Lola Cocquine (stage name) of S-Burlesque holds her weekly Burlesque dance classes. Now, I don’t know about you but when I imagine a French dance instructor, I’m thinking mature lady, with the occasional ray of beauty peeking out from behind an exaggerated and rapidly decaying façade of make-up, with scraped back hair in a bun, a gravelly accented voice and keen piercing eyes that watch as she thumps the floor with her cane. That’s not quite how I’d describe Lola, her tones are well enunciated English (that’s because she is English), her beauty is still very much intact as is her inspiringly athletic physique which is more Kylie than an ageing Elizabeth Taylor (God rest her soul).
Young but not unaccomplished
This is all not so surprising since she is, after all, only 24 but don’t let that fool you, the somewhat diminutive Mademoiselle Cocquine has already managed to carve an impressive career for herself as a lifeguard, Dance Choreographer, Entertainment Manager and Fitness Instructor, to name a few. She has featured in a variety of cabaret shows in France where she also mastered the French language which has now inspired her to go on and complete an Open University degree in foreign languages.
Why Burlesque dance classes?
In Lola’s own words, “I like to keep busy all the time”, which meant that when she was unable to find a local Burlesque troupe to join when back in the UK, Lola decided to start her own. She wasted no time in securing a studio at Peppercorns Music Academy and by the power of word-of-mouth (also known as Facebook) managed to get together her fast class of wannabe ‘Burlesquers’ which I have to say consists of a random selection of women from all walks of life (and I mean that both metaphorically and geographically). You’ll find no ‘type’ characters here. Indeed, when I first saw the spectrum of ages and ‘sizes’, I was immediately reminded of the film Stepping Out with Liza Minnelli and Julie Walters and, I have to confess, most of the women I had the pleasure of meeting are equally as affable as those characters. I gauged an unambiguous sense of comradery among this group of women. It’s like they’re in it together both for the challenge and the fun. But what exactly is the challenge? Is there some kind of show at the end of these classes? Some kind of performance? The simple answer is yes for some but not for those who don’t wish to participate. “Many ladies join S-Burlesque for personal reasons which vary from fitness, sense of accomplishment to simply wanting to perform their own show for their husbands in the privacy of their own home. For others, S-Burlesque is often asked to perform at special events. For example, we’ve been asked to participate in a lingerie fashion show for Debenhams in Cambridge next month. The show isn’t for everybody and that’s absolutely fine. We’ll also be staging a more intimate performance for friends and family soon. It’s very important for me that the girls participate only in those things that they feel comfortable with.”
The beginners
Francesca Marturano-Pratt (otherwise known as my sister), along with her friend, Tamanda Flynn, were one the first to join S-Burlesque, Francesca
told me “I wasn’t that keen at first. I liked the idea of Burlesque and its sensuous origins but I don’t have the most pliable body in the world and I’m certainly not a performer. But my friend, Tammy, asked if I’d go with her and so I agreed, it was that or pole dancing but I somehow couldn’t see myself shimmying my rather voluptuous body up and down one of those things! I thought Burlesque would at least be a form of exercise but it’s soon turned out to be much more. I’ve been signed up for over a month now and I’m having a brilliant time. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much.” and the stories are pretty much the same for the rest of the class. I asked Lola if she knew why her classes had become so popular so quickly. “I don’t know. I guess it’s because they, like me, just wanted to be part of something like this and there wasn’t anywhere they could go, locally, until S-Burlesque.”
No nudity please, we’re British
So what about the challenge? This is Burlesque after all, isn’t it all about nudity, teasing and flaunting, you know, that kind of uncomfortable stuff that makes you want to squirm like a young teenage boy witnessing his first movie love scene with his parents? The answer is yes; Burlesque is about flirtation, titillation but it doesn’t necessarily have to be about nudity, “when I talk to people about the classes, I always specify no nudity,” says Lola. “…that’s because Burlesque doesn’t have to be about nudity, it’s more about expression,” which oddly, for a man, is something that I understood immediately. Many of Lola’s more mature students are well accustomed to the knocks and scrapes of life, the kind of scrapes that all too often dilute what it means to feel feminine along with the urge to express this. Burlesque, like a good course of HRT, replenishes this urge, reawakening their sensuous side, a compulsion that is so uniquely feminine and all too often neglected in the face of life’s ravages to the detriment of many things, including some marriages. Indeed, it appears that the motivation behind some of Lola’s students is not only for their own personal wellbeing but also for that of their partners. These girls aren’t interested in performing in front of a crowd but are not adverse to performing in front of their significant other. I don’t think Jo Cocker’s ‘You Can Leave Your Hat On’ has ever had as much air play since Nine and a Half Weeks. Lucky lads!
The psychological boost
The remarkable psychological impact of these classes is not lost on any of Lola’s students, “I’ve become much more confident ever since I started these classes,” said Tamanda, “not only in the class but also outside, you know, in the workplace.” I asked Lola if she recognised the far reaching psychological effects of her class, she simply smiled and said, “I hadn’t really looked at it that way until now but it’s brilliant!” I believe it is exactly this somewhat ‘humble’ side to Lola that has many travelling far and wide to attend her classes. Some make over an hours’ journey to attend an approximate two hour session. “Lola is one of the reasons why we attend these classes. There’s no air and graces. She doesn’t think she’s better than us, she’s in it with us and never pushes beyond what we’re physically capable of or comfortable with,” said Francesca”. “That’s right”, agreed Tamanda, “you think Burlesque and you can’t help but wonder what to expect but the beauty of these classes is that everything is so casual, including what we wear. I’m all for showing up in trakkies and a T shirt!” Of course, that isn’t always the case, the girls are often asked to use props, such as fans, gloves (to sensuously peel off and fling across the room). And if you’re feeling particularly adventurous, you may even have to don some stockings. “I’ve lost count of the amount of stockings I’ve laddered rolling around on that floor but it’s all good fun,” says Francesca.
The cost of confidence
So how much is the cost of a new, psychologically invigorated you? £6 per lesson, paid on a pay-as-you-go basis, or £4 per lesson when you book a block of 5 classes. But it doesn’t end there, if you don’t fancy your typical pub crawl, jetting off to verdant Ireland or sunny Scunthorpe, you could always book S-Burlesque as an alternative hen party and get a crash course in seduction but with style.
To find out more visit http://www.s-burlesque.co.uk/ or message Lola on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/sburlesque
Where did they come from? ‘Spilling the beans’ on popular sayings
They’ve transcended time, passed from generation to generation, evolving to become part of our every day conversation. But what
Limelight – In 1816, Thomas Drummond devised a lighting source for theatres. It was a cylinder of lime heated by an incandescence flame and placed behind a lens or in front of a reflector. These ‘lime lights’ were very bright which meant that the ‘star’ performer was visible as long as he stood in it. Soon, actors were competing to be easily seen in the limelight. And thus the saying was born.
Axe to Grind – There are a few stories behind this one. Some say that prolific author and inventor, Benjamin Franklyn was duped by a stranger into giving a demonstration of how the family grindstone worked. In reality, the man just needed his axe sharpened. (Spelt Ax in America). Franklyn then wrote a metaphorical cautionary tale about axe sharpening, as did Author Charles Miner. Therefore, the saying cannot be attributed to either although the meaning is the same; somebody with a hidden agenda is often referred to as somebody with “an axe to grind”.
No Spring Chicken – New England chicken farmers discovered that chickens born in the spring bought better prices than the old birds that had gone through the winter. Farmers would often try to sell old birds as new spring born chickens but smart buyers often complained that a tough fowl was “no spring chicken” and so the term was adopted into society representing somebody past their plump and tender years.
Break the Ice – All cities that grew as a result of being on rivers (for trade) suffered during bitter cold times when the river froze. Even large ships got stuck, making them icebound for weeks. Small, sturdier boats, known as ‘icebreakers’, were developed to precede larger ships, breaking the ice and enabling the movement of goods to market. Thus, every boatman knew that in order to get down to business, one first had to “break the ice”. It is believed that the term, as we know it, was born around 1821 when Lord Byron’s immortalised it, in a metaphorical sense, in his Epic, Don Juan.
Pass the Buck – Poker became very popular in America during the days when the west was wild. Players were suspicious of each other. Many stories circulated depicting gunslingers in shoot-outs due to accusations of dirty dealing. In order to avoid unfairness, the deal changed hands during sessions. The person who was next in line to deal would be given a marker. This was often a knife, and knives often had handles made of buck’s horn – hence the marker becoming known as a buck. When the dealer’s turn was done he ‘passed the buck’. Silver dollars were later used as markers and it’s believed that this was the origin for the use of buck as a slang term for dollar.
Throw in the Towel is believed to originate from old boxing days, when battered fighters were unable to get up for the next round. As a signal that the fight was over, managers would reluctantly throw an item into the ring, often the sponge or towel. Today, regulations are in place to limit the violence of the past but the saying “throwing in the towel” is still used when one gives up on a situation or project.
To Rub up the Wrong Way is to deal with someone insensitively, whether on purpose or by accident, to the point of irking them. It’s believed that this saying dates back to colonial times and oak-board floors. Once a week, servants had to wet-rub then dry-rub these floors. But if the task wasn’t carried out incorrectly (to the grain), the floors would look streaky. To some masters, this was worse than it not being done at all since it proved to be a source of embarrassment when entertaining. There is an alternate and more plausible version which is to rub an animal (such as a domestic cat) up the wrong way. That is to rub its fur in the opposite direction to which is grows.
To Spill the Beans is to reveal all. In ancient Greece, voting for membership into some organisations was done via coloured beans; white beans favouring a nominated candidate and black or brown beans against. Jars weren’t transparent and therefore, not unlike today, the results of the ballot were unknown until these were counted by officials. However, on some occasions, clumsy voters would knock the jar over, ‘spilling the beans’ and revealing the content to all. Since then, the phrase has become synonymous with revealing truth or hidden secrets.
To Beat around the Bush is to avoid dealing with an issue or situation directly. This saying is believed to originate from boar hunting when noblemen hired workers to walk through the woods, beating branches and making noises to get animals to run towards the hunters. Most know that boars are dangerous with razor-sharp teeth. Most workers were reluctant to come face to face with one of the animals (at least unarmed) which meant they’d avoid the dense undergrowth where the boar might be, they’d ‘beat around it’ rather than go into it.
On Cloud Nine – For some odd reason, the number 9 has always been considered special by mathematicians. Some say it goes back to the Holy Trinity since 3 x 3 = 9.And later in Victorian times, a person who was all dressed up was said to be “dressed to the nines.” So what does this have to do with clouds? It was believed that clouds existed on a level of layers, and the ultimate high layer was 9. So anyone who is ecstatically happy is believed (at least in a metaphorical sense) to be soaring to the highest level cloud, 9.
Henpeck – Biologist W.C. Allee gained fame when he discovered the pecking order of hens, and the female’s habit of using her beak as a weapon among other females. The hens never peck the male roosters. And yet the term today is represents the verbal attacks females inflict on males!
Double-cross – Centuries ago, when illiteracy was common, and a person was asked to sign a document, they’d do so by inserting an “X” in place of their signature. This was legal. However, the process was often done under pressure (at gunpoint) which meant that the signing party had no intention of honouring the terms of the contract. Oral lore stated that if a cross was doubled (one written over the other), the first cross was voided thus nullifying the contract. So, to be double crossed was to be duped into a contract or a situation not honoured by the other party.
Graveyard Shift – There are few versions of this story. The more plausible appears to be tied into another saying, saved by the bell. Tragically, there was a time when being buried alive was a common occurrence. Some who were terrified of such a fate were buried in special coffins with strings attached to a bell above ground. At night, a guard was set to watch the graveyard. This was known as the graveyard shift. The guard’s task was to listen for any ringing bells and occupants liberated from their earthly tomb were saved by the bell.
Dead as a Doornail – There are a few origins for this saying although both are very similar to each other. There was a high demand for nails during colonial times. So much so that people would often go out during the night and steal these from their neighbour’s doors. To prevent this from happening, the ends of the nails were bent and hammered down (on the inside) to prevent them from being pulled out (from the outside). The act was ‘deadening the nail’, it could not be removed and all other uses for the nail were terminated. Thus it was dead. One of the earliest uses for the term is documented in Shakespeare’s King Henry VI (1590).
Bring Home the Bacon comes from the prize a contestant would win at many county fairs for catching the greased pig. The winner ‘brought home the bacon’ or the winnings. Today the term is used to mean bringing home money that’s been worked through a job and or a difficult task.
Shindig originates from North Carolina; USA which is believed to be the square dance capital of the world. Many rookies who try to square dance end up swinging their foot wildly, often digging into the shins of their partners or other dancers. Any dancing event of its kind became known thereon as a shindig.
Over a barrel – In the days when a public whipping was the norm, prisoners were often tied to the curve of an overturned barrel (with their feet on the floor) to prevent them from escaping. Today the term signifies being in a metaphorical (sometimes physical) position from which there is no way out.
Sweetheart- Hard-hearted, soft-hearted, heavy-hearted, light-hearted, and cold-hearted. Many years ago, the pumping action of the heart was considered to be the seat of a person’s personality. Doctors knew little else about our circulatory system which meant that figurative words were used instead. Since love often makes our heart beat faster, the term “swete hert” was born and slowly metamorphosed into the one we all know and ‘cherish’ today, “sweetheart”; somebody who makes our heart beat fast.
Wrong Side of the Bed – Most of us are right handed. In the ancient world, the left-side of the body or anything “left” was considered sinister, mysterious, dangerous or evil. This prompted most to push the left side of the bed against the walls which meant you HAD to rise from the right side. Today, we’ll rise on either side of the bed and don’t really think about it. However, the term remains and if somebody we know acts irritably, they’re deemed to have “got out of the wrong side of the bed.”
Blockbuster originates from WWII and refers to a bomb that could level an entire block. When the boys came home, the phrase caught on to represent anything that made a gargantuan impact.
Flip Side goes back to the days of vinyl records. Remember those? Each record had an ‘A’ side featuring the main recording and a ‘B’ side often carrying a much lesser title. This song became known as the “flip side.” In society, it caught on as every argument or situation has another side or perspective.
The Green-eyed Monster is the manifestation of Jealousy as conceived by Shakespeare in his play, “Othello”. Act III refers to a cat’s green eyes (the green eyed monster).
The doom that is The Writing on the Wall is from the bible when Belshazzar, successor to King Nebuchadnezzar, got drunk one night and afterwards reports that a mysterious hand appeared and wrote 4 strange words on the banquet room wall. Daniel (the prophet) interpreted this writing as an ominous foreboding as many of us do today.
Lock, Stock and Barrel. An old rifle (or musket) had 3 major parts: lock, a stock of wood and a metal barrel. Each part was totally useless without the other. Thus, when a person chose to put everything 100% into a decision, action or commitment, they are doing it “lock stock and barrel.” Alternative farm analogy was that a Lock meant the house, stock was all the animals and barrel was the rain barrel meaning (all the junk). So a sale on the land at that time would have been sold lock, stock and barrel.
The term ‘get the sack’ dates back to 1825 when roaming tradesman carried most of their worldly possessions in a sack. So, to remain in employment was to rest your sack the alternative was to get it!
Mind the gap in public transport
“…descending into the Underground was like being on an escalator to hell, travelling through the nation’s armpits whilst occasionally stopping off a stranger’s crotch central…”
No matter who you are and where you live (with exception of some), you’ll have been exposed to the endless media barrage of environmental issues. Yes, finally the ‘movement’ that started a few decades ago is gathering momentum, from the filtering of garbage into appropriate receptacles through to environmentally friendly motor engines (yes, I know that almost sounds like a contradiction), there are distinct changes afoot. Companies are clambering to be seen as environmentally friendly, it’s good PR, it’s fashionable and, in some cases, profitable. ‘Every little helps’ is the slogan of one of these companies that has gone as far as promoting, among many things, a fashionable (there’s that word again) ‘green’ bag that you can use again and again.
Meanwhile, the UK government is also doing its bit by forcing power suppliers to generate energy from renewable resources (see War of the Wind Farms) and by punishing evil ‘gas guzzling’ cars whilst rewarding everything that is environmentally friendly, including large corporations. This commitment to cutting greenhouse gasses is evidenced in its policy to double the price of car tax for a standard people carrier, and a serves-them-right hike for ‘self indulgent’ and ‘inconsiderate’ drivers of 4x4s. This is on top of soaring fuel costs and, let’s not forget, that famous 2p increase that was postponed. The spin machine would have us believe that the new tax is to deter us from jumping into future ‘gas guzzlers’ (which I can understand) but the tax will be levied on existing motor vehicles, which kind of negates the point. Or perhaps, reality unchecked bureaucrats are proposing that owners of now unaffordable, environmentally unfriendly cars jettison these and, despite rising living costs and the all new exciting credit crunch, splash out on a brand new eco friendly car. Either way, it’s all good for government as they’re becoming more popular with environmentalists whilst they’re still raking in three quarters of the cost of a litre of fuel, plus the extra 2p increase they feign to ‘umm and arr’ about, as well as the additional revenue they’re looking to fleece in higher taxes.
Most of us are intelligent enough to understand that, even generally speaking, we’re not truly respecting the ecology of the planet and measures have to be taken to safeguard the future. But support for measures can only be achieved by ensuring that we don’t get bent out of shape by the fact that nations ten times the size of ours don’t give a damn. Last time I looked, America, China and Australia were competing for the number one slot of world’s ‘dirtiest’ polluter; country whose power station emissions alone accounts for the release of over 2.8 billion tons of CO2 per annum. Yet, I don’t see the American President proudly announcing the fact that he’s going to double the cost of running a motor vehicle in an effort to force Americans out of their ‘yank tanks’ and onto public transport. On the contrary, Americans tend to boycott most treaties or protocols, citing in their defence that to do so would damage their economy. I’m not picking on America, I actually feel a lot of sympathy for Americans who are traumatised by the rising cost of ‘gas’ and are already seeking counselling from their government despite the fact that they pay a fraction of what we do in the UK. Meanwhile, the UK government appears to have no reservations about damaging its economy. When small hauliers decided to stage a peaceful protest against the fact that they were being put out of business in favour of their European counterparts, our elected government promised to ‘listen’. How kind.
When the majority of people are killing themselves working multiple jobs in an effort to make ends meet, the last thing they want to hear about are more taxes cynically disguised as a commitment to stop climate change. If the government truly wants us out of our cars then it has a duty to explain why we, a nation with one of the highest costs of living, are one of the few expected to shoulder the environmental burden and how we’re expected to ditch our preferred and most trustworthy method of transport in favour of a system that is degraded, unreliable and unable to fulfil its basic commercial obligation. I, for one, am tired of hearing environmentalists drone on about public transport when, at least where I live, bus routes have been cut! Not that I have or ever would use these services, and that’s not because I don’t care about the environment because I do, but simply because there are no realistically viable services from my rural location that would take me to my office in the heart of Cambridge.
Meanwhile, I and a colleague decided to test the public transport alternative on a business trip to London. It was a Tuesday morning in July, we wanted to avoid some of the early rush and crush so we scheduled a late meeting and took the 9:20 from Peterborough to Kings Cross. We joined over thirty more people on the St Neots platform as the First Capital Connect train slowly rolled in. My groan and that of some of the waiting passengers was audible as sardine-packed carriages trundled by before coming to a stop. We all naturally yet pointlessly converged on the train at the same time, hoping to find a spare seat, some did but most of us were forced to stand the whole sweltering hour it took to get to London, as did all of those who boarded from towns along the way. In London, we decided not to take a taxi but braved the underground. Now, regular commuters will know what I mean when I say that descending into the Underground was like being on an escalator to hell, travelling through the nation’s armpits whilst occasionally stopping off a stranger’s crotch central (if you’re lucky to get a seat). Needless to say, I arrived at my destination hot, bothered and with a strong urge to take another shower, and my day hadn’t even started! Don’t get me wrong, I really don’t mind travelling on the underground for ‘day trips’ during ‘non peak’ days out in London but it was, without a doubt, the most disgustingly uncomfortable commuting experience of my life, and I am in no hurry to repeat it. The best part was the oppressively warm ride home when, wedged between two other commuters, I took in the frayed fabric of my chair, the graffiti on the compartment wall and the clattering din of the uselessly open window. You can imagine my bemusement when my colleague leaned across to me and said, “Look on the bright side, this carriage is much nicer than the ones from Bedford.”
How on earth can the government justify ‘pricing’ us out of our car if the above is any kind of an example of the public transport system? I guess I should be thankful; at least the train was on time. I know there are many (and I really sympathise with you) who have to leave their houses hours earlier than normal just to ensure that they get to work at a reasonable time. Of course, the same does apply to car commuters but at least our comfort is commensurate with the amount of money that we can afford to spend on our cars. On public transport, it doesn’t matter how much we spend on a ticket, the luxury is capped at whatever the service operator decides to provide. In fact, they’re often spewing details of the billions that they spend each year improving our ‘experience’. Call me fussy, but in the spirit of basic general commerce, I’d settle for the fact that if I spend over £30 for a seat on one of their trains to London, I’d actually like to get one, but if I have to stand about in the corridor then I’d very much appreciate a discount as I’m quite clearly not getting what I paid for. I wouldn’t expect my local store to sell me half a pint of milk and if it did, I’d certainly have something to say about it, as would most of us. Yet, public transport appears to be another one of those British things that we just put up with. Although this time, it might have something to do with the fact that, unlike a grocery store, I can’t shop somewhere else. So much for privatisation.
