Facebook ‘friends’; isn’t it time for a good culling?
“… if your so called Facebook friends are not showing an interest in, commenting on or contributing to the events that take place in your life, doesn’t that just make them a new breed of voyeur?”
I’ve carried out a rudimentary online poll asking Facebook users what percentage of their ‘friends’, on average, they believe interact on a daily basis with their posts to Facebook. Whilst the results are no surprise they remain nonetheless incredible.
It’s the latest must have status symbol, the ultimate kudos, a badge of pride. So, go on, tell, how many have you notched up, Facebook ‘friends’ that is?
The definition of ‘Friend’ is a person known well to another and regarded with liking, affection, and loyalty; an intimate. The definition of ‘Acquaintance’ is knowledge of a person acquired by a relationship less intimate than friendship
So, why don’t you take a few minutes now to scroll through your prized possession, no not your Filofax, ‘that’s so yesterday, darling’, no, not even your little black book but your Facebook friend list, and count just how many of those so called names you’d categorise as the former (friend) and how many you’d categorise as the latter (Acquaintance). Go on, have a quick peak, don’t be afraid…
Now, be honest with yourself, take a gander through the ones you’ve categorised as ‘friends’ and ask yourself the following questions and then apply YES or NO answers.
- “Would I feel comfortable calling this person in the dead of night and asking them to drive 50 miles to pick me up because I was stranded?”
- “Do I know this person well enough and would I feel comfortable asking them for a loan until next pay day?”
- “Would this person nurse me through sickness and would they be the shoulder I’d cry on?”
- “How many of these people regularly (at least once a fortnight) interact with what’s happening in my life, be that on Facebook, email, instant messenger, telephone, fax or snail mail?”
Done that?
Okay, so how many were honest NO and how many YES?
And how many received a YES because they’ve already experienced one or more of the above scenarios with you? Any? If so, total these with pride as they are the average sum of your real friends.
Of course, there are mitigating logistical circumstances that might sway the above result (e.g. these friends live thousands of miles away) but don’t be tempted to romanticise simply because, subconsciously, you believe it highly unlikely that the above questions would never be posed to or tested on these people. E.g. I’m doing that very thing now. I have friends in the USA and I’m asking myself the above questions. Thankfully, I’m relieved to report that they do regularly interact with what’s happening in my life AND I can answer YES to a few of the above scenarios. Phew… I can rest that axe (otherwise known as the Unfriend button)
Because you’ve heard about that, right? The dreaded UNFRIEND button believed to be the modern day guillotine equivalent of the school ground ‘I don’t want to be friends with you anymore’. And nobody wants to be unfriended. Oh, the stigma of it. It doesn’t bear thinking about. Does it?
The Daily Telegraph states that ‘according to a recent poll’, the average person has approximately 150 ‘trophy friends’ (or acquaintances) on Facebook with only 5 ‘true’ friends; that is people with whom they interact on daily basis in the real world. It’s believed that this is because ‘real’ friendships require additional investment of time, emotion and, sometimes, even money. Many with real friends will recognise that when you are actually ‘face to face’, there are many emotional and facial cues, such as a smile, a look and even physical contact (such as a hug or a reassuring touch of the arm or pat on the back). These things aren’t always easy to fake in the real world but they are in the virtual world where it’s all too easy to tell somebody how much you love them without ever having the duty to substantiate it in any way. 
The importance of having lots of ‘friends’ is something that we learn from a very early age; you’re either popular during your most impressionable years or pretty much scarred for life, at least that’s what most behavioural therapists would have us believe, one way or another. Big is ultimately better (so I’ve heard), and this inevitably applies to one’s social circle.
Facebook’s actual ‘friend’ limit is 5,000. After this users receive a message saying ‘this person has is unable to add any friends as they’ve exceeded their friend limit’ or words to that effect. I know this how? Well, I’ve exceeded my friend limit of course; I’m very popular you know! Okay, maybe not. Nonetheless, just like a shiny new credit card, with a limit of 5,000, it’s time to get adding, 50, 100, 1000 ‘friends’, the more the better, right? Well, actually, no.
According to studies conducted by professor Sundar of the Media Effects Research Laboratory, whilst people perceive somebody with a high percentage of ‘friends’ to be popular, attractive, self-assured, those with more than 800 friends are perceived as insecure.
Still, 800 ‘friends’, can you imagine 800 potential messages, 800 potential phone calls, 800 Facebook updates. It’d be impossible to keep up, wouldn’t it? Yes, it would and that’s even if you didn’t have a life! Academics tend to agree and not because of sheer logistics but because our brains simply cannot cope with so many ‘acquaintances’. Yes, that’s right, research reveals that the size of your ‘social circle’ does not necessarily reflect your personality/popularity nor your personal hygiene but is merely a limitation of your neocortex.
Yes, there’s actually a scientific reason as to why, as mammals, we’re unable to service multiple ‘meaningful’ relationships, it’s known as ‘Dunbar’s Number’ (after anthropologist Robin Dunbar) – that is the cognitive limit to the number of people with whom we can socially interact. It’s believed that this limit (or capacity) is imposed by the neocortex (yes, that word again, basically, part of the brain). The magic number Dunbar’s research revealed is 148 (rounded up to 150) but before you start thinking that’s quite a few, the figure is actually based on the number of people you can actually be ‘aware’ of. E.g. relatives you know of, past and present lovers, friends, work colleagues, etc. It would be impossible for you to ‘socially service’ (meet, correspond with, love, hate) all of these people regularly/daily hence why we naturally select only a special few; our ‘social circle’.
Indeed, the level of ‘intimacy’ is measured by that ubiquitous ‘social circle’ that starts with the first five with whom we enjoy a relationship of trust, close intimacy, reciprocity and radiates out to the whole 100-150 people ranging from people you’d like to see once a week to those you’d be happy seeing just once a year. Curiously, regardless of which ring of your circle these people might sit, you’ll still refer to them as friends (at least on Facebook anyway) but the reality is far different. As per the above exercise, when push comes to shove, how many of these acquaintances did you apply YES to and thus class as friends? There’s a lot to be said for that old adage, “a friend will help you move… a really good friend will help you move a body”.
I’m definitely a fan of quality and not quantity. My personal preference is to live life where everything I do, the relationships I have are rewarding, meaningful and fulfilling. I literally do not have the time or the inclination for small talk or vacuous banter with as many people as possible.
A team at Reading University (yes, right here in good ole’ England) are actually conducting research in the Social Network phenomenon and the result so far show that sites such as Facebook and MySpace are actually contributing to the ‘weak ties’ that are people are forging around the globe, and that this could well be the next stage of our social evolution. Scary huh? What this actually means is that old movie favourite; “I’m surrounded by people yet I feel so alone” has never rung truer.
It’s one thing to add people as ‘friends’ to your social network but it’s another to actually express a regular interest in their life events, to nurture, love, support and, on some occasions, put your own life in danger to save theirs.
But is this, ultimately, down to terminology? Linked in has ‘connections’, Twitter has ‘followers’ but Facebook opted for ‘friends’ which implies that these ‘acquaintances’ mean more than they really do.
On the other hand, it has to be said that some people don’t necessarily see Facebook as a ‘close friend’/ family tool, they add people whom they believe will enrich their ‘stream’ with interesting content, these same people may well, over time, become ‘closer’ to them. This is certainly a fashionable way of making new ‘friends’ but the fact remains that unless one is able to ‘socially service’ this contact on a regular basis then they remain not friends but acquaintances.
Whilst Facebook or indeed any other SNS (Social Network Site) will never replace the unique experience of meeting face to face and the reassurance of a physical hug, it is the nearest thing. Our friends have the unique opportunity of letting us know that they may not be in our presence all the time or even regularly but that they care about us and are thinking of us.
Regulars of this blog will know that I joined Facebook somewhat reluctantly (see Facebook police) but I’ve since learned that there is more to the Social Network that meets the eye. Granted, those practices that repelled me from joining sooner still go on today, e.g. the mindless dimwits who continue to believe that the rest of the world may be remotely interested in the tedious status update of “I’m bored” or perhaps they might be riveted with that old favourite post of “I fancy some chocolate”, followed shortly by the sequel, “I just ate some chocolate and it was yummy”. However, I’ve come to learn that those distances that seemed interminable are easily bridged by the spontaneous act of posting a photograph of a day out with the family that, hours later, is viewed and appreciated by friends and distant relatives thousands of miles away or the heart-warming moment when you share news of a momentous event and it’s ‘liked’ by a friend you’d wished had been there to experience it with you but was unable. The things that turn our world; good, bad, happy or sad, shared with the people that truly matter and, most importantly, we know care about what goes on in our life; our family and our intimate friends, those unique, rare and precious organic beings that, not unlike rare flowers, need regular care and attention, love and affection and in return give us the oxygen to go about living our time on this earth perhaps not in perpetual bliss but in warm glow of the knowledge that we’re not alone and that, no matter the distance, they’ll always be somebody there when needed the most.
Alas, as with most fairy tales, there’s always a villain. In this case, the new evolution of cyber apathy that is not restricted to your so called acquaintances but it also applies to family members. That’s right, hard to believe but true. It appears that the ‘trigger’ for cyber-social interactivity is not always born from the need to engage with those nearest and dearest but that this has been superseded by the actual content of the interaction which, translated into English, actually means that it’s the subject and not the subject matter that generally engages our online interactivity. This is coupled with a good dose of that old fashioned ‘tit for tat’. E.g. you may have recently published photographs of a recent event of which you are most proud but the majority of your friends (and indeed family) may not have taken the time to ‘comment’ or ‘like’ (interact) in any way thereby acknowledging your accomplishment and, by association, expressing an interest. This can be hurtful. The real world equivalent would be for you to tell a friend or family member about something of importance and for them not to acknowledge this but to change subject instead. Of course, if this happened on a regular basis, it’s going to leave you feeling somewhat miffed. In some scenarios, it also sows the seeds of cyber ‘tit for tat’; you didn’t comment on ‘my stuff’, I’m not going to comment on yours. The result is the cyber equivalent of that ghost town with the main thoroughfare being the communication channels.
Which begs the question, if your so called Facebook friends are not showing an interest in, commenting on or contributing to the events that take place in your life, doesn’t that just make them a new breed of voyeur?
The ‘watchers’ are the people who like to know what’s going on in our lives by monitoring our news streams but never say a word, comment or ‘LIKE’. What do these people get from this practice? A practice that is clearly frowned upon by Facebook executives who have implemented a policy of banning organisations from posing as individuals as it would enable employees from that organisation to monitor the personal details of an individual’s life.. Watched, not unlike Stalkers, sit in the shadows watching everything yet contributing nothing which begs the questions, why do we give these vultures the best seat in the theatre of our lives? Is it simply to keep the friend number up? Or is it that eternal belief that these individuals may actually be interested in you and your wellbeing?
In the real world, real friends, real people will ‘check in’ on you from time to time, it’s as simple as that. If they don’t, would you consider them a friend?
Let the culling begin!
The ‘defriend’ button must be the cyber equivalent of an ancient marauder, ploughing through your friend list, lopping the heads of smiley photos and trampling over that initial swell of pride you felt when your status read that you’d become friends with a person and several others. Use it and find out just how many people are/were really interested in you and your life. 
Visit your ‘friend’ list and ‘unfriend’ all of those from whom you haven’t heard anything for a very long time, indeed those from whom you have not heard a thing since they opted to become a friend of yours. Then sit back and see how many of those people actually resend you a friend request. Indeed, sit and see how many of those will actually notice you’re no longer ‘connected’ to them. Don’t be disheartened but the sad reality will be that only a very low percentage, if any, actually will notice and that’s not necessarily a reflection of you, your personality but simply the cyber eclectic disorder that many of us are contracting. Be it articles from stumbleupon to momentous quotes that we might one day want to refer to.
And lastly, yesterday, I asked over 1,600 people if they’d be kind enough to contribute to a poll I was conducting about Facebook ‘friends’ and their interaction with your posts. Just 30 of you replied. 60% stated that less than 5% of their total Facebook friend list regularly interacted with their posts.
So, what are you going to do? Are you going to keep the watchers in your life or are you going to visit your friend list and that ever so powerful ‘unfriend’ button?
The choice, as always, is yours.
Surrounded by negative people? Read on…
Have you ever dealt with negative people before? If you have, you will know that the experience can be quite a downer.
I used to have an ex-colleague who was very negative. In our conversations, he would complain endlessly about work and life. He was also very cynical about people in general, often doubting their intentions. Talking to him wasn’t a pleasant experience at all.
The first time we had a meeting, I felt very drained. Even though we talked for only 20-30 minutes, I didn’t have the mood or energy to do anything after our conversation. It felt as if someone had sucked the life out of me, and it wasn’t until 2-3 hours later that the effect wore off.
The same thing happened the next few times we talked. Because he was so pessimistic, his negative energy often spilled over after the conversation, leaving me with a bad taste in my mouth. For a period of time, I was quite bothered by him. I would avoid speaking to him if I could.
After a while, I figured I needed to work out an action plan to deal with negative people. After all, he was/is not going to be the only negative person I was going to encounter in my life. I thought: “For every 1 negative person I face now, there are probably thousands of them out there whom I’ll meet one day. If I learn how to deal with him effectively, I will be able to handle other negative people next time.”
With this in mind, I then brainstormed on the best approach to handle negative people.
Eventually, I researched several key steps to deal with negative people effectively. These steps have proven very helpful in making the best out of my relationships with them. While the people I face today are generally more positive, these steps come in handy when I’ve to deal with a negative person.
If there’s someone negative in your life at the moment, don’t let yourself be affected by him/her. You’re not alone in your problem – Facing negative people as well and dealing with them is always a learning experience. While people can try to get you down, you’ve a choice in how you react to them.
Here are some tips on how to deal with negative people:
Don’t Engage in the Negativity
One thing I found is negative people tend to harp on the bad things and ignore the positive stuff. They also have a tendency to exaggerate issues they are facing, making their predicament seem a lot worse than it actually is.
The first time you converse with a negative individual, provide a listening ear and offer help if needed. Provide support – let him/her know he/she is not alone. However, be sure to draw a line somewhere. If the person keeps harping on the same problems even after the first few conversations, then it’s a sign to disengage.
For starters, try to switch topics. If he/she goes into a negative swirl, let him/her continue, but don’t engage in the negativity. Give a simple reply, such as “I see” or “Okay”. Whereas if he/she is being positive, reply in affirmation and enthusiasm. When you do it often enough, he/she will soon realise what’s going on, and will start to be more positive in his/her communication.
Hang Out In Groups
Speaking to a negative person can be extremely draining. When I spoke to my negative co-worker, I would be mentally drained for several hours, even though we talked for only 20-30 minutes. That was because I was on the receiving end of all his negativity.
To address this, have someone else around when conversing with the negative individual. In fact, the more people, the better. This way, the negative energy is divided between you and the other members, and you don’t have to bear the full brunt of the negative energy.
The plus point of having someone else around is that people bring out a different side to an individual. By having another party around, it may bring out a more positive side in the negative person. I experienced this before and it helped me to see the ‘negative’ individual in a different, more positive light.
Objectify the Comments Made
Negative people can be quite critical at times. They tend to drop insensitive comments that are hurtful, especially if they are directed at you.
For example, I once had a friend who was quite tactless. She would drop jarring comments which were dismissive and critical. Initially I was bothered by her words, wondering why she had to be so critical every time she spoke. I also wondered if there was something wrong with me – that perhaps I wasn’t good enough. However, when I observed her interactions with our common friends, I realised she did this to them too. Her comments were not personal attacks – it was just her being the way she was.
Recognize that the negative person usually means no harm – he/she is just caught up in his/her negativity. Start by learning how to deal with critical comments. Objectify the comments made – Rather than take his/her words personally, recognise that he/she is just offering a point of view. Sieve out the underlying message and see if there is anything you can learn from what he/she said.
Go with Lighter Topics
Some negative people are triggered by certain topics. For example, an acquaintance of mine turns into a self-victimizer whenever we talk about work. No matter what I say, he’ll keep complaining about everything in his job, which becomes quite a conversation dampener.
If the person is deeply entrenched in his/her negativity, the unhappiness may be too deeply rooted to address in a one-off conversation. Bring in a new topic to lighten the mood. Simple things like new movies, daily occurrences, common friends, hobbies, happy news, make for light conversation. Keep it to areas the person feels positive towards.
Be Mindful of the Time You Spend With Them
In my manuscript, ‘Coming up for Air’, I talk about time being a trust fund bestowed on us by our mothers at birth. Each second you spend from this fund is currency that will not be returned to you. Don’t waste pressure currency on a bad and or negative interaction with other people, e.g. relationship. Money badly spent on a parking ticket!
Think about the times you hang out with negative people – Do you feel more positive or negative after that? Same for positive people – How do you feel after spending some time with them?
Whenever I’ve an encounter with negative people, I’d often feel negative after that, like a bad aftertaste. Whereas with positive people, I’d feel extremely upbeat and exuberant. Clearly, there is a spill over effect that takes place even after the interaction! By spending more time with negative people, your thoughts and emotions will slowly become negative too. At first it might be temporary, but over time it’ll slowly become ingrained in you.
If you feel certain people in your life are negative, then be conscious of how much time you’re spending with them. I recommend to limit the duration where you can help it. For example, if they want to hang out with you but you don’t enjoy their company, learn to say no. If it’s a meeting or phone call, set a limit to how long you want it to be. Keep to the objective of the discussion, and don’t let it extend beyond that time.
Identify Areas You Can Make a Positive Change
Negative people are negative because they lack love, positivity and warmth. A lot of times, their negative behavior is a barrier they erect to protect themselves from the world.
One of the best ways you can help a negative individual is to usher positivity into his/her life. Think about what’s bothering the person at the moment, and think about how you can help him/her in your own way. It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate, and you definitely don’t have to go out of the way to help if you don’t want to. The key here is to be sincere in your desire to help, and to show him/her the upsides in life.
Drop Them From Your Life
If all else fails, reduce contact with them or drop them from your life.
Rather than spend your time with negative people, focus on the positive people instead. In the past, I spent a lot of time with negative people, trying to help them with their issues. It drained up a lot of my energy and was often futile, which led me to rethink my methods. Ever since then, I worked on cultivating positivity by hanging out with positive people and sometimes just taking time to evaluate myself and my approach to life. This has turned out to be a lot more rewarding and fruitful.
Remember that your life is yours to lead, and it’s up to you on how you want it to be. If there are negative people who make you feel bad about yourself, work on those issues. With the right actions, you can create a dramatic difference in what you get out of your relationships.
At last! My invite to critique all new Range Rover Evoque
So, it’s been two or so years in the making (I’ve lost count) and, finally, after many non disclosure-shrouded meetings, I’m finally allowed to get in,
drive and write a review on the new Range Rover Evoque. The car is due to hit showrooms next month.
Yes, the date of the 24th September 2011 has been set to the backdrop of the Southampton boat show, no less. There, I and a guest will be given exclusive access to a Range Rover Evoque and invited to the put the car through its paces and this time there’ll be no non-disclosure gag preventing me from reporting back.
And if the cars disappoints there’s always free VIP entry to the Southampton boat show to make the most of.
Watch this space. 
Friday’s 10 ‘interesting’ facts
- Antarctica is the only continent without reptiles or snakes.
- An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
- In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
- Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
- The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
- When George Lucas was mixing the American Graffiti soundtrack, he numbered the reels of film starting with an R and numbered the dialog starting with a D. Sound designer Walter Murch asked George for Reel 2, Dialog 2 by saying “R2D2″. George liked the way that sounded so much he integrated that into another project he was working on.
- The youngest pope was 11 years old.
- Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
- They have square watermelons in Japan – they stack better.
- Heinz Ketchup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
Smile, it’s more ‘dopey’ quotes from the American courtroom
The following quotations are taken from official American court records. Sadly, (or funny for us) recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so
that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.
- Lawyer: ”Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?”
- Witness: ”Yes.”
- Lawyer: ”Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?”
- Witness: ”Yes, sir.”
- Lawyer: ”What did she say?”
- Witness: ”‘What disco am I at?’”
- Lawyer: ”What happened then?”
- Witness: ”He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’”
- Lawyer: ”Did he kill you?”
- Witness: ”No.”
- Lawyer: ”Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–”
- Witness: ”Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.”
- Lawyer: ”Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
- Witness: ”All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.”
- Lawyer: ”When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?”
- Other Lawyer: ”Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.”
- Lawyer: ”Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”
- Witness: ”I only have one, you know.”
- Accused, Defending His Own Case: ”Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?”
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
- Lawyer: ”What is your date of birth?”
- Witness: ”July 15th.”
- Lawyer: ”What year?”
- Witness: ”Every year.”
- Lawyer: ”Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?”
- Witness: ”There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet.”
- Lawyer: ”Can you identify the rifle?”
- Witness: ”Yes. There was something written on the side of it.”
- Lawyer: ”And what did the writing say?”
- Witness: ”‘Winchester’!”
- Lawyer: ”What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?”
- Witness: ”Gucci sweats and Reeboks.”
- Lawyer: ”Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?”
- Witness: ”No. He was wearing a mask.”
- Lawyer: ”What was he wearing under the mask?”
- Witness: ”Er…his face.”
- Lawyer: ”How old is your son, the one living with you?”
- Witness: ”Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.”
- Lawyer: ”How long has he lived with you?”
- Witness: ”Forty-five years.”
- Lawyer: ”Sir, what is your IQ?”
- Witness: ”Well, I can see pretty well, I think.”
- Lawyer: ”Did you blow your horn or anything?”
- Witness: ”After the accident?”
- Lawyer: ”Before the accident.”
- Witness: ”Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.”
- Lawyer: ”How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”
- Lawyer: ”And you check your radar unit frequently?”
- Officer: ”Yes, I do.”
- Lawyer: ”And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?”
- Officer: ”Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.”
- Lawyer: ”You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
- Lawyer: ”So you were gone until you returned?”
- Lawyer: ”The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?”
- Lawyer: ”Were you alone or by yourself?”
- Lawyer: ”How long have you been a French Canadian?”
- Witness: ”He was about medium height and had a beard.”
- Lawyer: ”Was this a male or a female?”
- Lawyer: ”Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”
- Witness: ”I went to Europe, sir.”
- Lawyer: ”And you took your new wife?”
- Lawyer: ”I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.”
- Witness: ”That’s me.”
- Lawyer: ”Were you present when that picture was taken?”
- Lawyer: ”Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?”
- Lawyer: ”Do you know how far pregnant you are now?”
- Witness: ”I’ll be three months on November 8.”
- Lawyer: ”Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?”
- Witness: ”Yes.”
- Lawyer: ”What were you doing at that time?”
- Lawyer: ”How many times have you committed suicide?”
- Witness: ”Four times.”
- Lawyer: ”Do you have any children or anything of that kind?”
- Lawyer: ”She had three children, right?”
- Witness: ”Yes.”
- Lawyer: ”How many were boys?”
- Witness: ”None.”
- Lawyer: ”Were there girls?”
- Lawyer: ”You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?”
- Lawyer: ”You say that the stairs went down to the basement?”
- Witness: ”Yes.”
- Lawyer: ”And these stairs, did they go up also?”
- Lawyer: ”Have you lived in this town all your life?”
- Witness: ”Not yet.”
- Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) ”Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”
- Lawyer: ”Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?”
- Witness: ”It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm.”
- Lawyer: ”And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?”
- Lawyer: ”What is your brother-in-law’s name?”
- Witness: ”Borofkin.”
- Lawyer: ”What’s his first name?”
- Witness: ”I can’t remember.”
- Lawyer: ”He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?”
- Witness: ”No. I tell you, I’m too excited.” (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) ”Nathan, for heaven’s sake, tell them your first name!”
- Lawyer: ”Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?”
- Witness: ”I refuse to answer that question.
- Lawyer: ”Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?”
- Witness: ”I refuse to answer that question.
- Lawyer: ”Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?”
- Witness: ”No.”
- Lawyer: ”Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?”
- Witness: ”No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.”
- Lawyer: ”What is your marital status?”
- Witness: ”Fair.”
- Lawyer: ”Are you married?”
- Witness: ”No, I’m divorced.”
- Lawyer: ”And what did your husband do before you divorced him?”
- Witness: ”A lot of things I didn’t know about.”
- Lawyer: ”And who is this person you are speaking of?”
- Witness: ”My ex-widow said it.
- Lawyer: ”How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?”
- Witness: ”Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good.”
- Lawyer: ”Were you acquainted with the deceased?”
- Witness: ”Yes sir.”
- Lawyer: ”Before or after he died?”
- Lawyer: ”Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”
- Witness: ”No. This is how I dress when I go to work.”
- The Court: ”Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.”
- Lawyer: ”Did he pick the dog up by the ears?”
- Witness: ”No.”
- Lawyer: ”What was he doing with the dog’s ears?”
- Witness: ”Picking them up in the air.”
- Lawyer: ”Where was the dog at this time?”
- Witness: ”Attached to the ears.”
- Lawyer: ”What is your relationship with the plaintiff?”
- Witness: ”She is my daughter.”
- Lawyer: ”Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?”
- Lawyer: ”Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?”
- Lawyer: ”And what did he do then?”
- Witness: ”He came home, and next morning he was dead.”
- Lawyer: ”So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?”
- Lawyer: ”Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?”
- Witness: ”He didn’t offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture.”
- Lawyer: ”So, after the anaesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?”
- Witness: ”I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.”
- Lawyer: ”It was covered?”
- Witness: ”Yes, bandaged.”
- Lawyer: ”Then, later on…what did you see?”
- Witness: ”I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.”
- Lawyer: ”Could you see him from where you were standing?”
- Witness: ”I could see his head.”
- Lawyer: ”And where was his head?”
- Witness: ”Just above his shoulders.”
- Lawyer: ”Do you drink when you’re on duty?”
- Witness: ”I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.”
- Lawyer: ”Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?”
- Witness: ”The victim lived.”
- Lawyer: ”Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?”
- Witness: ”Because he was argumentary, and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.”
Casa Bella’s Come Dine With Us…. have you got what it takes?
Casa Bella recently announced that its next major event will take place this Halloween 2011.
But 3 months seems so far away, doesn’t it?
Well, it’s only 12 weeks but still, when it comes to having fun, next week isn’t soon enough. So we’ve thought about that, we’ve also been thinking about the numerous comments made by Casa Bella guests over the past year about return invites, and we’ve come up with what we believe is an ingenious solution; Casa Bella’s own Come Dine with Us.
The event will prove to be a fun packed bridge between now and our thrilling event in October 2011.
The concept is simple:
- 1 limousine
- 1 course
- 1 prize
- Limited time (to impress)
- Multiple locations!
That’s right…. here’s your chance to show us what a perfect host you can be but you’ll have to think creative; you’ll have a limited amount of time to feed, charm and solicit your guests’ votes to enable you to win the prize before everybody will need to climb back into the limousine and onto the next location.
Ahhhhhhhhh!
Yes, I can already hear the screaming and the questions:
“What if I can’t cook?”
You don’t have to be Michel Roux to win this challenge. You can prepare anything you believe is appropriate…from ornate jam sandwiches to luxurious canapés. There’s no specific budget or rule. You just need to be minded by the fact that your guests will be enjoying multiple courses throughout the evening. You’ll most likely be assigned a specific course (e.g. starter) so you just need to worry about portion control, presentation and taste!
“What if my home isn’t large enough to accommodate everyone?”
No problem. That’s what the limousine is for. Subject to time restrictions, you can host your event anywhere you see fit; from your back garden to the local park. The choice is yours. Whatever you believe will make the perfect surrounding to serve up your tasty morsels. But remember, the comfort of your guests is of paramount importance in order to secure their vote. (Each destination will be a closely guarded secret between you and our driver).
What if I don’t live locally?
Well, we wouldn’t want you miss out on this exciting challenge. You can either make arrangements with any local venue (e.g. pub) or we’ll gladly loan you the kitchen facilities at Casa Bella (some terms and conditions will apply).
The evening will culminate at Casa Bella where we’ll be serving coffee, chocolates and the winning results!
To opt in, simply click here to send an email confirming your name and any dates over the next two months when you are not available.
We’ll confirm competition date and important details once all contestants have been confirmed.
In the meantime, you can read more about Casa Bella’s Halloween by clicking here.
Casa Bella announces Halloween 2011 spooktacular! but that’s not all….
That’s right, the 29th October 2011 has been announced as the provisional date for Casa Bella’s next major event. 
We toyed with multiple ideas and themes and came up with a few that we believed would work very well but there’s only so much time. The ideas will keep. We figured that Halloween, at least in our household, tends to pass by fairly unnoticed. We’ve vowed to change that this year. The next three months will be used to craft a memorable and truly spooktacular experience, Casa Bella style. Previous guests will know that this means a night that is truly out of the ordinary, something that at this event is particularly appropriate. 
As always, spaces are limited and we do have a waiting list to consider. However, we’re looking at a format for this event that may enable us to accommodate more guests but it’s still very early days and plans are yet to be solidified. Whatever format is decided, guests, YOU WILL SCREAM. Expect the unexpected.
Like all Casa Bella events, they are designed for friends/acquaintances which means attendance is by exclusive invitation only.
The trick on this occasion is to receive one of the email invites whilst the treat is definitely to attend. The question is…. Dare you receive an invite?
If you’re unlucky enough not to receive an invite on this occasion or simply can’t wait until October, Casa Bella is about to organise another event to bridge the gap.
Click here to find out more about Casa Bella’s Come Dine with Us. Have you got what it takes?
Universal truths
- Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
- At the end of every pub crawl, there’s always a girl crying.
- One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
- You’re never quite sure whether it’s ok to eat green crisps.
- Reading when you’re drunk is horrible.
- Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
- You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
- Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
- You never know where to look when eating a banana.
- Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
- Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
- Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
- You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
- The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
- Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
- Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
- Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
- Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
- Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
- Old ladies can eat more than you think.
- You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.
- There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you’ve got your hand or head stuck in something.
- No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
- Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
- One of the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
- People who don’t drive slam car doors too hard
- You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
- Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
- Bricks are horrible to carry.
- In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
Love; awesome or overrated? You decide.
Okay, so in 2011, it’s much easier to be cynical than it is to either appreciate the state of mind of somebody who’s in love or, better still, express love, whether that be for a family member, partner or friend. 
So, are you a cynic or a romantic? Check out the text and images below, if they make you smile then you have your answer.
ACTUAL CHILDREN ANSWERS TO THE QUESTION “WHAT IS LOVE?”
- “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth” BILLY – Age 4
- “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” TERRI – Age 4
- “Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening your presents, and listen.” BOBBY – Age 7
- “If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend you hate.” NIKKA, age 6.
- “Love is when you tell someone you like their shirt and then they wear it every day.” NOELLE, age 7
- “Love is like the old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” TOMMY, age 6
VARIOUS QUOTES
- Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. - Unknown
- We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly embracing each other - Liciano De Crescenzo
- Love is born with the pleasure of looking at each other, It is fed with the necessity of seeing each other, And is concluded with the impossibility of separation - Unknown
- Love and you shall be loved - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Funny Monday; amusing stories and pictures from around the world
CHILDREN’S BOOKS THAT DIDN’T MAKE IT TO PRINT
- You Are Different and That’s Bad
- Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends
- Pop! Goes The Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games
- The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
- Dad’s New Wife Robert
- Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
- Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
- The Kids’ Guide to Hitch-hiking
- Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her
- Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
- All Cats Go to Hell
- The Little Sissy Who Snitched
- Some Kittens Can Fly
- That’s it, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption
- Grandpa Gets a Casket
- The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
- Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
- The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
- Strangers Have the Best Candy
- Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
- You Were an Accident
- Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
- The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
- Your Nightmares Are Real
- Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
- Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
- Places Where Mummy and Daddy Hide cool Things
Racism’s double standard
“We’re all too terrified to do or even say the wrong thing; TV shows are banned, products are removed or renamed for fear of causing offence.”
The BNP’s (British National Party) win in London (apparently through proportional representation) has only served to stoke the racism fire. Whether or not this small gain was a message from the British public or something that was won by default, it will have little impact on the crazy practices, such as street name changes, and the omission of baby Jesus from school nativities for fear of offending ethnic minorities.
There is an unambiguous double standard applied to racism that, like zombies, is universally accepted by most white people since it appears to be born out of historical guilt and nurtured by a relentless stream of editorials about institutional racism and commercial victimisation. To me, it’s this hypocritical practice, more than anything else, that is stealthily fuelling the fires of racism much more than any public rally because it is tapping into a common British myth; we don’t complain. “Mustn’t grumble”, perhaps but the majority of us will allow an issue to fester instead. If a hotel room wasn’t to our satisfaction because it was unclean, we simply won’t go back. Instead, most of us just go home and moan about it to friends and work colleagues rather than addressing the root of the problem and soliciting change for the greater good.
If we are all reaching for the somewhat oversimplified aim of coexisting in a multicultural society that shuns the oppression of minorities, preaches equal rights for all and banishes to history the mere idea of an Aryan race, why is it that, in the UK alone, we’re forever spawning new groups and organisations, such as the NBPA (National Black Police Association), BlackEnterprise.com and the FBHO (Federation of Black Housing Organisation), to name a few. And it doesn’t stop and start in the UK but is endemic the world over with television stations like BET (Black Entertainment Channel) and a myriad of others who, in name alone, propagandise elitism, segregation; in so much as they devote themselves exclusively to their respective communities. I mean, can you imagine the uproar if somebody incorporated the WEC (White Entertainment Channel) or the NWPA (National White Police Association). Culturally, such ideas are inconceivable. However, ‘constructive racism’ is good and rife in many organisations so as to ensure a ‘balanced’ proportion of ethnicity. In my opinion, this practice alone stokes resentment because it’s our freedom of choice that is quite clearly being eroded.
So, what’s wrong with any culture/group representing its interests? Absolutely nothing. After all, we can’t profess to pride ourselves with our multicultural beliefs if we don’t encourage diversity. The only problem is that we appear to be suffering from an acute case of indigenous self
deprecation, it’s almost as if we are embarrassed to be British and terrified of championing our heritage, our culture, our country. What’s happened to the Great in Great Britain?
It’s been scared off. We’re all too terrified to do or even say the wrong thing; TV shows are banned, products are removed or renamed for fear of causing offence. The worse thing is that most of these somewhat hysterical knee-jerk reactions are not the brain child of any minority group but of some misguided fool. The effect is the same; we aren’t all equal after all. Some of us are so different that a whole way of life needs to be unravelled to cater for the few of us that are ‘special’ and easily offended.
Yet, you need only listen to today’s hip hop to hear human beings refer to each other as “bitches” and “niggers” (and yes, I nearly wrote ‘N’ instead). But hang on a minute; I thought we were trying to eradicate such words from our modern lexicon? Well, aren’t we? Apparently not, apparently the ‘N’ word is only offensive if uttered by a ‘white’ person but it’s fine if spoken by a black person.
I’m not a BNP member although, to some, parts of this article will probably read like I am, but I do understand and even support some aspects of what the party is trying to achieve, more specifically, its commitment to safeguard our culture, our heritage so that it’s not diluted by our historic quest for a multicultural society. I do not support their radical approach to certain issues since they are not compatible with who we are as a people. Furthermore, it’s my opinion that the BNP’s sometimes fanatical stance has turned it into the pariah in an already culturally paranoid society, to the point where membership alone means you are a racist.
It will take a major image makeover and policy review to make the party attractive to the few practicing patriots whose support will be crucial to its ability to make a difference since, as a people, we often encourage change but don’t embrace fundamentalism. I hope they recognise this and act accordingly since they could be the only thing that stands between further erosion of our national identity and the ultimate demise of what it means to be British.
Originally published in Issue 2 of a Different Angle Magazine
