Living with the devil; a true story of narcissism

” Those suffering from narcissism will often show signs of excessive (often erotic) interest in themselves. Does this sound like somebody you know or knew?”

We’ve all experienced bad relationships, and it doesn’t matter whether these are personal or professional, the net result is the same; emotional turmoil.  I’m no exception. A few years ago, a personal six year relationship came to an abrupt and traumatic end. Like many, I didn’t take it well, I found it particularly difficult to understand why it had happened and “why, as human beings, we can be so loving yet hurtful to one another.”  And thus, as a writer, I was inspired to work on a new, non fiction, project called ‘Coming Up for Air’ which had me spend the next year travelling, researching and talking to literally hundreds of people from all walks of life about their relationships. It was an amazing cathartic journey of planes, trains and automobiles. One week I was hanging out in Starbucks, Oklahoma and the other, I was interviewing U.S. Marines on a base in North Carolina. In fact, the project was endorsed by the Pentagon which meant that I was also granted unprecedented access to Air Force personnel on bases here in the UK; Lakenheath and Mildenhall. The interviews took place over a week and they started 06:00 and ended at 18:00 during which I heard many stories but none quite like the one I’m going to share with you. This story is so incredible that it actually dominates much of the manuscript. However, since I can only share a fraction of it, I’ve chosen the part that, in various degrees, affects many of us.

It starts with this forethought: It’s a sunny Sunday morning and the church is packed with worshipers, suddenly, out of a mysterious mist, the devil appears scaring off a panic stricken congregation. Within minutes, the church is empty but for one old man who remains in his seat, oblivious to what has just taken place. A perturbed Satan walks up to the old man and asks, “Do you know who I am?” “Yes,” replies the old man, “I know who you are. You’re the devil.” “Precisely, so, if I’m the devil, why aren’t you afraid of me?” The old man shrugs and says, apathetically, “Because I feel like I’ve been married to you for the last twenty years.”

Forty something Al is a Tech Sgt. In the U.S. Air Force and is one of the most affable people I met during the ‘Coming Up for Air’ project. He’s handsome, deeply in love with his wife and totally devoted to her 8 year old daughter from a previous marriage. A real catch, some would say, so what’s the problem? Well, he’s wife was the devil, or at least her behaviour sometimes made her appear that way. There were unsustainable spending sprees, affairs, emotional blackmail, violent tantrums and bare-faced falsities, and that’s just to name a few. Yet, it took Al, a man of deep southern values, several years before he took drastic action.

You may know the story of Narcissus; a character from Greek mythology who, after peering into a pool of water, fell madly in love with his own reflection. Obviously, his love was unrequited and Narcissus slowly pined away and perished, leaving behind only a flower bearing his name. NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) was first given credence in 1980. Those suffering from narcissism will often show signs of excessive (often erotic) interest in themselves. Does this sound like somebody you know or knew? I bet there are a few of you nodding your head right now.  I believe that all of us have come into contact with a narcissist at one point or another in our lives, as I believe that we all have narcissistic traits, albeit, one would hope, in diluted form.  So, what exactly is a narcissist and what’s it like to be around one?

A narcissist believes he or she is a superior being, a unique individual who is equalled by none and revered by all, somebody with an over inflated sense of grandiosity who will exaggerate achievements and talents, who will be obsessed with fantasies of success, fame, omnipotence, and brilliance; the cerebral narcissist, and of beauty and sexual prowess; the somatic narcissist. A narcissist will speak just to hear the sound of his or her own voice and will believe that he or she should only be associated with or treated by other ‘special’ or high ranking individuals or institutions.  They are egomaniacs, pathological liars, impostors; what they don’t know or haven’t experienced, they will invent. A narcissist is perfectly capable of looking you in the eye and swearing to something that is, often quite clearly, untrue. They will reassure you that they will not do something whilst at the same time plotting to do that very thing.  Haughty and arrogant, they will be envious of others and often believe that most people feel the same way about them. They will demand immediate compliance with their requests, and will often explode into fits of rage and frustration if denied, contradicted or confronted. They require excessive adulation, admiration and affirmation, or failing that, they wish to be feared and or to be notorious; ‘narcissistic supply’. Generally speaking, to a narcissist, the people who surround them are judged by the effectiveness of their narcissistic supply.  In return they will be devoid of empathy for others since their only priority is self preservation. A narcissist will do anything for his or her own gain and will generally not think twice about stepping on somebody to achieve their goal.  They will select acquaintances based on status and their capability to enrich their way of life, be that in their professional careers or in their personal life.  Luckily, there’s no evidence to suggest that the child of a narcissistic parent will develop the same illness. It does seem, however, that narcissists are often the result of an abusive childhood, in whichever form since doting and smothering a child can sometimes be just as abusive as beating or starving one. Either way, medical research clearly states that NPD is a personality disorder. As such, it can be the fruit of a myriad of cognitive, behavioural and emotive factors.

All of this does beg the question: why would anybody want to be around somebody like that? Well, that is a good question but why do we put up with any of our partners who mistreat us? I guess it all comes back to those old chestnuts, settling and rationalising.  Many of us do this in our relationships, our partner may not be perfect but “treats me right” or “can be sweet sometimes when we’re alone.” I think those phrases pretty much speak for themselves. And some people are happy with that. And, to a degree, it’s understandable.

I was talking to a policeman the other day and he was telling me about a domestic incident where a girl had quite clearly been physically abused by her boyfriend but when the police asked her to press charges, she chose to remain silent. The policeman couldn’t understand why anybody would want to protect someone who had hurt them in that way and, even worse, want to stay with them. Well, there are many reasons why, which would be a chapter in itself,  but the bottom line is, our policeman wasn’t privy to all the intimate details of that particular relationship, he was only aware of one aspect. And whilst nobody deserves to be physically abused by their partner or anybody else for that matter, some rivers run deep.

Al’s wife was diagnosed with narcissism in extremis by two of the psychiatrists that she had seen yet in true narcissistic style, and not unlike many sick individuals, she refused to acknowledge her condition. And indeed, so did Al. When he researched narcissism, he was horrified by how many of the symptoms matched his wife’s behaviour. Yet despite this, he refused to believe that anybody could be that bad.  Furthermore, he began to believe that he was using what he had learned as an excuse to leave his wife and not accept the responsibility that maybe he played some part in her perpetual state of discontent (that’s true southern values for you).  And so he told himself that if he and his wife were to work it out, she would need his help, this is despite the fact that everything he read on the subject pointed to one outcome: narcissists are the type of individuals you should have nothing more but an acquaintance-type relationship with, yet he couldn’t be without his family, more specifically his children

He stuck with it, drifting through the days, adapting and modifying his behaviour in the hope that he would finally find a combination that would please his wife.  The reality is that to co-exist with a narcissist, you’d have to never disagree nor contradict, consistently look awed by whatever attribute mattered to them, be that professional or personal, never remind them that there is a real world out there where they are just beings among many, never make any comment that might directly affect their self image, omnipotence, judgement or skills. You’d have to avoid sentences like, “I don’t think you should….”  “We cannot…” “You made a mistake….”  Never apply any kind of restrictions on the narcissist’s freedom and never refer to yourself in the first person; narcissists regard others as an extension of them. Listen attentively, even if you know what you are hearing is utter nonsense, be endlessly patient, accommodating, never yell back, and completely unemotional.   The list goes on but I think you get the point.

Can you really change that?

Or fix it for that matter. It seems to me that that is exactly what Al tried to do. But he was deluding himself. Narcissists are among some of the most complex characters to treat, simply because of that over inflated opinion of themselves.  They truly believe that nobody is qualified enough to treat them. A narcissist could sit in front of one of the world’s most eminent doctors and still believe that he or she was not worthy. They are most likely to sit and nod politely whilst processing thoughts such as, “What does he know? What are his credentials? What makes him think he can treat someone as intellectual and complex as me?” and so forth.  So, the session is pretty much a non starter.  Because, as we all know, one of the basic rules of therapy is that of acknowledgement. “My name is… and I am an alcoholic.” You will rarely hear a narcissist tell you his name and admit to being a narcissist.  Simply because he can’t; in his mind, there is nothing wrong with him (or her).

So, does this mean that narcissists should be written off as ‘damaged’ creatures? Maybe brand them with some kind of tattoo on their forehead warning that they should not be approached under any circumstance.  Well, those who have been unfortunate enough to have experienced a relationship with a narcissist will probably scream for immediate legislation. Others, perhaps the most rational among us, would advise to seek nothing more but a platonic-type relationship to avoid being sucked dry by the endless demand for ‘narcissistic supply’. Despite this, there are some, the few, easily mistaken for masochists, who know full well the traits of their significant others yet choose to stay or even more incredibly delude themselves that they might be able to change them.  Serial adulterers, gamblers, etcetera. We all enjoy a challenge, and what better accolade, what better proof of devotion than to know that your partner changed a life long habit just for you?

Narcissists cannot be changed. That is why after approximately seven years of marriage and trying, Al finally came to the conclusion that things simply were not working and he suggested a trial separation to his wife who was, not surprisingly, enraged. How could he possibly ask her to leave her home? She even called his mother, “Do you know what your sorry ass, b***ard of a son asked me to do today?”

Leaving his wife was one of the most difficult decisions of  Al’s life yet, like many of us, there comes a point where we simply are unable to cope any longer.  We will go through so much and then, like some kind of a circuit, a switch is thrown and we are emotionally shut down.  It is in this condition that, as human beings, we’re able to deal with the unthinkable.  In this case, it was divorce.

That day was a blur for Al who was emotionally drained by the whole experience. To him, it seemed to take the judge minutes to approve the dissolution of what appeared to be a lifetime’s commitment for him. Yet he didn’t feel anything. Nothing like the way he thought he would and somehow, in some kind of perverse way, he started to believe there might be something wrong with him. How could he possibly not feel? Was it his fault that it had come to this? It wasn’t.  Al was just grieving for the impossible. The reality was that, as a ‘fixer’, he had always tried to fix those things he believed brought his wife misery but  he had to finally come to the conclusion that sometimes, not matter how hard you try, some things simply cannot and will not be fixed.