ROUND LIKE A SHOT. 36 year old, Tony Gladstone was on his way to bed one night when he noticed people in his shed, stealing. He called the police who told him there were no units in the area but that they would get someone out as soon as possible. He hung up but called back a minute later. “Hello, I rang a few minutes ago to say that there were people in my shed. I just wanted to let you know that there’s no need to hurry anymore, I’ve shot them.” Within minutes, there were half a dozen police cars, including an armed response unit and a helicopter! The police caught the burglars red handed. One of the officers remarked to Mr Gladstone, “I thought you said that you’d shot them.” “I thought you said you had nobody in the area,” he retorted.
THUMB OR HAMMER? This is a true story about a shopper (name withheld to protect her dignity) who picked up several items in a supermarket and made her way to the checkout to discover that one of these wasn’t price tagged. Imagine her embarrassment when, in a scene straight out of a stereotype, she heard the cashier’s voice boom out of the intercom, “PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE.” Things got worse when the cahier’s colleague, at the back of the store, misunderstood the word ‘Tampax’ for “Thumbtacks” and in a businesslike tone boomed back, “DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?”
WIDOW’S SHOCK MESSAGE FROM DOWN UNDER A mature couple planned to celebrate their anniversary by checking into the Florida hotel in which they’d spent their honeymoon. Because of their busy schedules, the husband flew down a day before his wife. Upon arrival, he emailed her but mistakenly sent the message to a grieving widow; “I know you’re surprised to hear from me, they have computers here now. I’ve just arrived and have checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Look forward to seeing you. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!”
A Cynic’s List:
- Delicatessen: A shop selling the worse parts of animals more expensively than the nice parts.
- Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you’re told.
- Diplomacy: the art of saying “nice doggy” until you can find a rock.
- Distress: The disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
- Easter: a national celebration of chocolate.
- Email: a useful device for gossiping with your friends when you’re in the office and still looking busy or a mean of communicating with people you don’t want to talk to.
- Exercise: what you get when you walk from your door to your car.
- Experience: the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
- Expert: someone who can take what you knew already and make it sound confusing.
- Family: a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal and the common cold.
- Fashion: a form of ugliness so intolerable it has to be altered every six month.
- Father: a banker provided by nature.
- Faults: things which should be acknowledged frankly.
- Feminism: the belief that women should have the opportunity to behave as badly as men.
- Fib: a lie that has not cut its teeth.
- Fidelity: putting all your eggs in one basket.
- Fishing rod: a stick with a worm on one end and a fool on the other.
- Flattery: a bit like a cigarette; alright if you don’t inhale.
- Food: Something that can be a deadlier weapon than a machine gun.
- Friend: someone who will help you move; a good friend will help you move a body.
- Friendship: a ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.
- Gambling: the sure way of getting nothing for something.
- Gentleman: one who never strikes a woman without provocation.
- Golf: a good walk spoiled.
- Good Deed: something that never goes unpunished.
- Grievance: Something which supplies a purpose in life.
- Guest: someone who stays at your house without paying and expects to be served meals at regular intervals.
- Hangover: when the brew of the night meets the dark of the day.
- Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from the misery of others.