Are you stepping up to your responsibilities?
“…for some, this is the necessity to work for a living and then make the most of what little social life they have left. For others, it’s their amoral abuse of the welfare state…”
The other day I was reading an article about teenagers who apparently are not getting enough sleep due to an increasing number of electrical distractions in their bedrooms, such as MP3 players, mobile phones, TVs etcetera. Apparently, more than a quarter of the thousand 12 to 16 year olds surveyed admitted falling asleep either watching TV, listening to music or with other equipment still running. A third said that they slept, on average, for 4 to 7 hours per night. Experts recommend eight. 40% of those surveyed said they were often tired during the day whilst only 10% placed importance on a good night’s sleep. 
This worrying news, known as ‘junk sleeping’; sleep that is neither the length nor quality that it should be in order to feed the brain with the quality of rest it needs, appears to be on the increase and the stern advice is that children be educated as to the importance of sleep. Now, I ask you, is this really news to you?
It’s understood that our society is changing and my mother doesn’t hesitate in reminding me that, when she was a child, she was lucky to have food on the table. It’s no mystery that a good night’s sleep is important to all of us and not just our children. If you were to read the article at face value, it would be easy to mistake technology as the new villain of our modern age but isn’t this the usual case of moderation? “You can have too much of a good thing” becomes synonymous with “you’ve been watching TV for too long and now it’s time for bed.
I’m a self confessed gadget freak but it doesn’t matter how nifty these things may get, there’s always one thing that tells me when enough is enough, and that’s my common sense. It’s a parent’s responsibility to look out for the well being of a child, whether that be ensuring a good night’s sleep or helping them develop with a basic moral foundation that enables them to get the best out of life. Good parenting is not allowing them to spend an extraordinary amount of time with the electronic babysitter or allowing them to roam the streets after the watershed just to get some peace after a hard day at work.
In a world where ‘instant messaging’, ‘instant credit, ‘fast food’ and ‘24 hour shopping’ are king, you would have thought that each of us would have copious amounts of free time but do we? How many people do you know have actually confessed to reaping the excess of free time that instant gratification has afforded us? How many do you know that, as a direct consequence of this, are relying less on the electronic nanny and are opting instead to spend quality time with their children?
There’s no doubt that some parents are fighting back, determined to repossess their role from the invader gadgets but the sad reality is; it was never taken from them, they gave it away, relinquishing their parental rights in favour of other priorities in life. For some, this is the necessity to work for a living and then make the most of what little social life they have left. For others, it’s their amoral abuse of the welfare state that is funded by the hard workers in our society who often keep multiple jobs to make ends meet after a chunk is skimmed off in taxes and handed out to those whose only concern in life is how far their ‘job seeker’s allowance’ will stretch down the pub.
Meanwhile, the rest of us are paying to keep a roof over their heads, feed and educate their children for their introduction into society. But that’s another article.
Originally published in issue 4 of a Different Angle magazine.
Funny Monday; amusing stories and pictures from around the world
ROUND LIKE A SHOT. 36 year old, Tony Gladstone was on his way to bed one night when he noticed people in his shed, stealing. He called the
police who told him there were no units in the area but that they would get someone out as soon as possible. He hung up but called back a minute later. “Hello, I rang a few minutes ago to say that there were people in my shed. I just wanted to let you know that there’s no need to hurry anymore, I’ve shot them.” Within minutes, there were half a dozen police cars, including an armed response unit and a helicopter! The police caught the burglars red handed. One of the officers remarked to Mr Gladstone, “I thought you said that you’d shot them.” “I thought you said you had nobody in the area,” he retorted.
THUMB OR HAMMER? This is a true story about a shopper (name withheld to protect her dignity) who picked up several items in a supermarket and made her way to the checkout to discover that one of these wasn’t price tagged. Imagine her embarrassment when, in a scene straight out of a stereotype, she heard the cashier’s voice boom out of the intercom, “PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE.” Things got worse when the cahier’s colleague, at the back of the store, misunderstood the word ‘Tampax’ for “Thumbtacks” and in a businesslike tone boomed back, “DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?”
WIDOW’S SHOCK MESSAGE FROM DOWN UNDER A mature couple planned to celebrate their anniversary by checking into the Florida hotel in which they’d spent their honeymoon. Because of their busy schedules, the husband flew down a day before his wife. Upon arrival, he emailed her but mistakenly sent the message to a grieving widow; “I know you’re surprised to hear from me, they have computers here now. I’ve just arrived and have checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Look forward to seeing you. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!”
A Cynic’s List:
- Delicatessen: A shop selling the worse parts of animals more expensively than the nice parts.
- Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you’re told.
- Diplomacy: the art of saying “nice doggy” until you can find a rock.
- Distress: The disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
- Easter: a national celebration of chocolate.
- Email: a useful device for gossiping with your friends when you’re in the office and still looking busy or a mean of communicating with people you don’t want to talk to.
- Exercise: what you get when you walk from your door to your car.
- Experience: the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
- Expert: someone who can take what you knew already and make it sound confusing.
- Family: a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal and the common cold.
- Fashion: a form of ugliness so intolerable it has to be altered every six month.
- Father: a banker provided by nature.
- Faults: things which should be acknowledged frankly.
- Feminism: the belief that women should have the opportunity to behave as badly as men.
- Fib: a lie that has not cut its teeth.
- Fidelity: putting all your eggs in one basket.
- Fishing rod: a stick with a worm on one end and a fool on the other.
- Flattery: a bit like a cigarette; alright if you don’t inhale.
- Food: Something that can be a deadlier weapon than a machine gun.
- Friend: someone who will help you move; a good friend will help you move a body.
- Friendship: a ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.
- Gambling: the sure way of getting nothing for something.
- Gentleman: one who never strikes a woman without provocation.
- Golf: a good walk spoiled.
- Good Deed: something that never goes unpunished.
- Grievance: Something which supplies a purpose in life.
- Guest: someone who stays at your house without paying and expects to be served meals at regular intervals.
- Hangover: when the brew of the night meets the dark of the day.
- Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from the misery of others.
Cambridgeshire catches Burlesque fever!
“…it was that or pole dancing but I somehow couldn’t see myself shimmying my rather voluptuous body up and down one of those things!”
What does the word burlesque mean to you? Does it conjure images of semi clad ladies with tassels in conspicuous places? If it does then you’re not in the minority. The official definition of Burlesque is parody, vaudeville, but it is beginning to have a far deeper meaning for many women across the county, and the other evening I set out to discover exactly what.
The kindness of talented people
The location is Peppercorns Music Academy in Little End Road, Eaton Socon where I was fortunate enough to bump into one of St Neots’ kindest men, Steve Muzolf, with whom I’d had the pleasure to work nearly two decades ago when I was writing and producing plays for Cambridgeshire. I was impressed to see first-hand what he’d managed to achieve with his dream venue dedicated to the artistic education of the youth. Good on you Steve!
More Kylie than an ageing Elisabeth Taylor
Peppercorns is also where Mademoiselle Lola Cocquine (stage name) of S-Burlesque holds her weekly Burlesque dance classes. Now, I don’t know about you but when I imagine a French dance instructor, I’m thinking mature lady, with the occasional ray of beauty peeking out from behind an exaggerated and rapidly decaying façade of make-up, with scraped back hair in a bun, a gravelly accented voice and keen piercing eyes that watch as she thumps the floor with her cane. That’s not quite how I’d describe Lola, her tones are well enunciated English (that’s because she is English), her beauty is still very much intact as is her inspiringly athletic physique which is more Kylie than an ageing Elizabeth Taylor (God rest her soul).
Young but not unaccomplished
This is all not so surprising since she is, after all, only 24 but don’t let that fool you, the somewhat diminutive Mademoiselle Cocquine has already managed to carve an impressive career for herself as a lifeguard, Dance Choreographer, Entertainment Manager and Fitness Instructor, to name a few. She has featured in a variety of cabaret shows in France where she also mastered the French language which has now inspired her to go on and complete an Open University degree in foreign languages.
Why Burlesque dance classes?
In Lola’s own words, “I like to keep busy all the time”, which meant that when she was unable to find a local Burlesque troupe to join when back in the UK, Lola decided to start her own. She wasted no time in securing a studio at Peppercorns Music Academy and by the power of word-of-mouth (also known as Facebook) managed to get together her fast class of wannabe ‘Burlesquers’ which I have to say consists of a random selection of women from all walks of life (and I mean that both metaphorically and geographically). You’ll find no ‘type’ characters here. Indeed, when I first saw the spectrum of ages and ‘sizes’, I was immediately reminded of the film Stepping Out with Liza Minnelli and Julie Walters and, I have to confess, most of the women I had the pleasure of meeting are equally as affable as those characters. I gauged an unambiguous sense of comradery among this group of women. It’s like they’re in it together both for the challenge and the fun. But what exactly is the challenge? Is there some kind of show at the end of these classes? Some kind of performance? The simple answer is yes for some but not for those who don’t wish to participate. “Many ladies join S-Burlesque for personal reasons which vary from fitness, sense of accomplishment to simply wanting to perform their own show for their husbands in the privacy of their own home. For others, S-Burlesque is often asked to perform at special events. For example, we’ve been asked to participate in a lingerie fashion show for Debenhams in Cambridge next month. The show isn’t for everybody and that’s absolutely fine. We’ll also be staging a more intimate performance for friends and family soon. It’s very important for me that the girls participate only in those things that they feel comfortable with.”
The beginners
Francesca Marturano-Pratt (otherwise known as my sister), along with her friend, Tamanda Flynn, were one the first to join S-Burlesque, Francesca
told me “I wasn’t that keen at first. I liked the idea of Burlesque and its sensuous origins but I don’t have the most pliable body in the world and I’m certainly not a performer. But my friend, Tammy, asked if I’d go with her and so I agreed, it was that or pole dancing but I somehow couldn’t see myself shimmying my rather voluptuous body up and down one of those things! I thought Burlesque would at least be a form of exercise but it’s soon turned out to be much more. I’ve been signed up for over a month now and I’m having a brilliant time. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much.” and the stories are pretty much the same for the rest of the class. I asked Lola if she knew why her classes had become so popular so quickly. “I don’t know. I guess it’s because they, like me, just wanted to be part of something like this and there wasn’t anywhere they could go, locally, until S-Burlesque.”
No nudity please, we’re British
So what about the challenge? This is Burlesque after all, isn’t it all about nudity, teasing and flaunting, you know, that kind of uncomfortable stuff that makes you want to squirm like a young teenage boy witnessing his first movie love scene with his parents? The answer is yes; Burlesque is about flirtation, titillation but it doesn’t necessarily have to be about nudity, “when I talk to people about the classes, I always specify no nudity,” says Lola. “…that’s because Burlesque doesn’t have to be about nudity, it’s more about expression,” which oddly, for a man, is something that I understood immediately. Many of Lola’s more mature students are well accustomed to the knocks and scrapes of life, the kind of scrapes that all too often dilute what it means to feel feminine along with the urge to express this. Burlesque, like a good course of HRT, replenishes this urge, reawakening their sensuous side, a compulsion that is so uniquely feminine and all too often neglected in the face of life’s ravages to the detriment of many things, including some marriages. Indeed, it appears that the motivation behind some of Lola’s students is not only for their own personal wellbeing but also for that of their partners. These girls aren’t interested in performing in front of a crowd but are not adverse to performing in front of their significant other. I don’t think Jo Cocker’s ‘You Can Leave Your Hat On’ has ever had as much air play since Nine and a Half Weeks. Lucky lads!
The psychological boost
The remarkable psychological impact of these classes is not lost on any of Lola’s students, “I’ve become much more confident ever since I started these classes,” said Tamanda, “not only in the class but also outside, you know, in the workplace.” I asked Lola if she recognised the far reaching psychological effects of her class, she simply smiled and said, “I hadn’t really looked at it that way until now but it’s brilliant!” I believe it is exactly this somewhat ‘humble’ side to Lola that has many travelling far and wide to attend her classes. Some make over an hours’ journey to attend an approximate two hour session. “Lola is one of the reasons why we attend these classes. There’s no air and graces. She doesn’t think she’s better than us, she’s in it with us and never pushes beyond what we’re physically capable of or comfortable with,” said Francesca”. “That’s right”, agreed Tamanda, “you think Burlesque and you can’t help but wonder what to expect but the beauty of these classes is that everything is so casual, including what we wear. I’m all for showing up in trakkies and a T shirt!” Of course, that isn’t always the case, the girls are often asked to use props, such as fans, gloves (to sensuously peel off and fling across the room). And if you’re feeling particularly adventurous, you may even have to don some stockings. “I’ve lost count of the amount of stockings I’ve laddered rolling around on that floor but it’s all good fun,” says Francesca.
The cost of confidence
So how much is the cost of a new, psychologically invigorated you? £6 per lesson, paid on a pay-as-you-go basis, or £4 per lesson when you book a block of 5 classes. But it doesn’t end there, if you don’t fancy your typical pub crawl, jetting off to verdant Ireland or sunny Scunthorpe, you could always book S-Burlesque as an alternative hen party and get a crash course in seduction but with style.
To find out more visit http://www.s-burlesque.co.uk/ or message Lola on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/sburlesque
Smile, here are some sound bites from the cabin crew
It’s holiday season! Rest, relaxation and a lot of laughs…here are some sound bites from
the cabin crew to get you into the spirit of things.
(Unconventional American Southwest Airlines (SW) has no assigned seating (just sit where you want). Passengers were having a hard time passengers were having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”
On a Continental flight, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
Southwest flight, on landing, the flight attendant said, ”Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have. Do not leave children or spouses.”
“Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
After a bumpy landing, “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
“Welcome aboard SW flight to Tampa. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, it works just like every other seat belt. If you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
Southwest flight, “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. Secure your mask before assisting anybody with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.”
“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than SW.”
After a particularly bad landing, a pilot had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye (as they disembarked), thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had left except for a little old lady who said, “Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?”
“We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight.”
After another SW rough landing in Dallas, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”
Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.”
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em.”
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine.”
If you have some sound bites to add, please share them by leaving a comment below.
Where did they come from? ‘Spilling the beans’ on popular sayings
They’ve transcended time, passed from generation to generation, evolving to become part of our every day conversation. But what
exactly do old proverbs mean and where did they come from? I’ve researched and compiled a list of the most widely believed origins.
Limelight – In 1816, Thomas Drummond devised a lighting source for theatres. It was a cylinder of lime heated by an incandescence flame and placed behind a lens or in front of a reflector. These ‘lime lights’ were very bright which meant that the ‘star’ performer was visible as long as he stood in it. Soon, actors were competing to be easily seen in the limelight. And thus the saying was born.
Axe to Grind – There are a few stories behind this one. Some say that prolific author and inventor, Benjamin Franklyn was duped by a stranger into giving a demonstration of how the family grindstone worked. In reality, the man just needed his axe sharpened. (Spelt Ax in America). Franklyn then wrote a metaphorical cautionary tale about axe sharpening, as did Author Charles Miner. Therefore, the saying cannot be attributed to either although the meaning is the same; somebody with a hidden agenda is often referred to as somebody with “an axe to grind”.
No Spring Chicken – New England chicken farmers discovered that chickens born in the spring bought better prices than the old birds that had gone through the winter. Farmers would often try to sell old birds as new spring born chickens but smart buyers often complained that a tough fowl was “no spring chicken” and so the term was adopted into society representing somebody past their plump and tender years.
Break the Ice – All cities that grew as a result of being on rivers (for trade) suffered during bitter cold times when the river froze. Even large ships got stuck, making them icebound for weeks. Small, sturdier boats, known as ‘icebreakers’, were developed to precede larger ships, breaking the ice and enabling the movement of goods to market. Thus, every boatman knew that in order to get down to business, one first had to “break the ice”. It is believed that the term, as we know it, was born around 1821 when Lord Byron’s immortalised it, in a metaphorical sense, in his Epic, Don Juan.
Pass the Buck – Poker became very popular in America during the days when the west was wild. Players were suspicious of each other. Many stories circulated depicting gunslingers in shoot-outs due to accusations of dirty dealing. In order to avoid unfairness, the deal changed hands during sessions. The person who was next in line to deal would be given a marker. This was often a knife, and knives often had handles made of buck’s horn – hence the marker becoming known as a buck. When the dealer’s turn was done he ‘passed the buck’. Silver dollars were later used as markers and it’s believed that this was the origin for the use of buck as a slang term for dollar.
Throw in the Towel is believed to originate from old boxing days, when battered fighters were unable to get up for the next round. As a signal that the fight was over, managers would reluctantly throw an item into the ring, often the sponge or towel. Today, regulations are in place to limit the violence of the past but the saying “throwing in the towel” is still used when one gives up on a situation or project.
To Rub up the Wrong Way is to deal with someone insensitively, whether on purpose or by accident, to the point of irking them. It’s believed that this saying dates back to colonial times and oak-board floors. Once a week, servants had to wet-rub then dry-rub these floors. But if the task wasn’t carried out incorrectly (to the grain), the floors would look streaky. To some masters, this was worse than it not being done at all since it proved to be a source of embarrassment when entertaining. There is an alternate and more plausible version which is to rub an animal (such as a domestic cat) up the wrong way. That is to rub its fur in the opposite direction to which is grows.
To Spill the Beans is to reveal all. In ancient Greece, voting for membership into some organisations was done via coloured beans; white beans favouring a nominated candidate and black or brown beans against. Jars weren’t transparent and therefore, not unlike today, the results of the ballot were unknown until these were counted by officials. However, on some occasions, clumsy voters would knock the jar over, ‘spilling the beans’ and revealing the content to all. Since then, the phrase has become synonymous with revealing truth or hidden secrets.
To Beat around the Bush is to avoid dealing with an issue or situation directly. This saying is believed to originate from boar hunting when noblemen hired workers to walk through the woods, beating branches and making noises to get animals to run towards the hunters. Most know that boars are dangerous with razor-sharp teeth. Most workers were reluctant to come face to face with one of the animals (at least unarmed) which meant they’d avoid the dense undergrowth where the boar might be, they’d ‘beat around it’ rather than go into it.
On Cloud Nine – For some odd reason, the number 9 has always been considered special by mathematicians. Some say it goes back to the Holy Trinity since 3 x 3 = 9.And later in Victorian times, a person who was all dressed up was said to be “dressed to the nines.” So what does this have to do with clouds? It was believed that clouds existed on a level of layers, and the ultimate high layer was 9. So anyone who is ecstatically happy is believed (at least in a metaphorical sense) to be soaring to the highest level cloud, 9.
Henpeck – Biologist W.C. Allee gained fame when he discovered the pecking order of hens, and the female’s habit of using her beak as a weapon among other females. The hens never peck the male roosters. And yet the term today is represents the verbal attacks females inflict on males!
Double-cross – Centuries ago, when illiteracy was common, and a person was asked to sign a document, they’d do so by inserting an “X” in place of their signature. This was legal. However, the process was often done under pressure (at gunpoint) which meant that the signing party had no intention of honouring the terms of the contract. Oral lore stated that if a cross was doubled (one written over the other), the first cross was voided thus nullifying the contract. So, to be double crossed was to be duped into a contract or a situation not honoured by the other party.
Graveyard Shift – There are few versions of this story. The more plausible appears to be tied into another saying, saved by the bell. Tragically, there was a time when being buried alive was a common occurrence. Some who were terrified of such a fate were buried in special coffins with strings attached to a bell above ground. At night, a guard was set to watch the graveyard. This was known as the graveyard shift. The guard’s task was to listen for any ringing bells and occupants liberated from their earthly tomb were saved by the bell.
Dead as a Doornail – There are a few origins for this saying although both are very similar to each other. There was a high demand for nails during colonial times. So much so that people would often go out during the night and steal these from their neighbour’s doors. To prevent this from happening, the ends of the nails were bent and hammered down (on the inside) to prevent them from being pulled out (from the outside). The act was ‘deadening the nail’, it could not be removed and all other uses for the nail were terminated. Thus it was dead. One of the earliest uses for the term is documented in Shakespeare’s King Henry VI (1590).
Bring Home the Bacon comes from the prize a contestant would win at many county fairs for catching the greased pig. The winner ‘brought home the bacon’ or the winnings. Today the term is used to mean bringing home money that’s been worked through a job and or a difficult task.
Shindig originates from North Carolina; USA which is believed to be the square dance capital of the world. Many rookies who try to square dance end up swinging their foot wildly, often digging into the shins of their partners or other dancers. Any dancing event of its kind became known thereon as a shindig.
Over a barrel – In the days when a public whipping was the norm, prisoners were often tied to the curve of an overturned barrel (with their feet on the floor) to prevent them from escaping. Today the term signifies being in a metaphorical (sometimes physical) position from which there is no way out.
Sweetheart- Hard-hearted, soft-hearted, heavy-hearted, light-hearted, and cold-hearted. Many years ago, the pumping action of the heart was considered to be the seat of a person’s personality. Doctors knew little else about our circulatory system which meant that figurative words were used instead. Since love often makes our heart beat faster, the term “swete hert” was born and slowly metamorphosed into the one we all know and ‘cherish’ today, “sweetheart”; somebody who makes our heart beat fast.
Wrong Side of the Bed – Most of us are right handed. In the ancient world, the left-side of the body or anything “left” was considered sinister, mysterious, dangerous or evil. This prompted most to push the left side of the bed against the walls which meant you HAD to rise from the right side. Today, we’ll rise on either side of the bed and don’t really think about it. However, the term remains and if somebody we know acts irritably, they’re deemed to have “got out of the wrong side of the bed.”
Blockbuster originates from WWII and refers to a bomb that could level an entire block. When the boys came home, the phrase caught on to represent anything that made a gargantuan impact.
Flip Side goes back to the days of vinyl records. Remember those? Each record had an ‘A’ side featuring the main recording and a ‘B’ side often carrying a much lesser title. This song became known as the “flip side.” In society, it caught on as every argument or situation has another side or perspective.
The Green-eyed Monster is the manifestation of Jealousy as conceived by Shakespeare in his play, “Othello”. Act III refers to a cat’s green eyes (the green eyed monster).
The doom that is The Writing on the Wall is from the bible when Belshazzar, successor to King Nebuchadnezzar, got drunk one night and afterwards reports that a mysterious hand appeared and wrote 4 strange words on the banquet room wall. Daniel (the prophet) interpreted this writing as an ominous foreboding as many of us do today.
Lock, Stock and Barrel. An old rifle (or musket) had 3 major parts: lock, a stock of wood and a metal barrel. Each part was totally useless without the other. Thus, when a person chose to put everything 100% into a decision, action or commitment, they are doing it “lock stock and barrel.” Alternative farm analogy was that a Lock meant the house, stock was all the animals and barrel was the rain barrel meaning (all the junk). So a sale on the land at that time would have been sold lock, stock and barrel.
The term ‘get the sack’ dates back to 1825 when roaming tradesman carried most of their worldly possessions in a sack. So, to remain in employment was to rest your sack the alternative was to get it!
It’s here! My exclusive (and unexpected) invite to Range Rover HQ!
This week I received an exclusive and unexpected invite to Range Rover HQ in Warwickshire to get an up close and personal look at the all new Range Rover Evoque. Hopefully, I’ll get to take this one for a spin! 
Apparently, Range Rover executives have ‘carefully selected’ me from a group of wannabe Evoquers to report to HQ on the 11th June 2011 with the promise of untold treasures (otherwise known as expenses and some pocket money) and exclusive access to a finished version of the new Range Rover Evoque (or baby Range Rover to its mates).
Although Range Rover does have an ulterior motive for summonsing me. Sadly, I’m unable to disclose those details as I have been sworn to secrecy
. All I can say is that I’ve been given the incredible opportunity to collaborate in ensuring that future versions of the Evoque will be the best that they can be.
For those close to me, family, friends and, of course, those delightful enough to have been reading my blog, you’ll know that this journey is now nearly 2 years in the making. Yes, 2 whole years waiting for my would-be future car to slowly and painfully make its way from the drawing board to the tarmac.
The 11th June 2011 will undoubtedly be a very emotional time for me and I’ll be sure to share every (uncensored) detail with you. 
Will I won’t I get behind the steering wheel? Will I won’t I get to turn on the ignition?
Watch this space.
10 ‘interesting’ facts
1. Half of all identity thieves are relatives, friends, or neighbours of their victims.
2. Most burglaries occur during the day.
3. The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.
4. English sailors were referred to as “limeys” because sailors added lime juice to their diet to combat scurvy.
5. To find out if a watermelon is ripe, knock it, and if it sounds hollow then it is ripe.
6. Natural gas has no smell. The odour is artificially added so that people will be able to identify leaks.
7. Coconuts kill more people in the world than sharks. Approximately 150 people are killed each year by coconuts.
8. A car operates at maximum economy, fuel-wise, at speeds between 25 and 35 miles per hour.
9. People who are lying to you tend to look up and to the left (their left).
10. If a surgeon in Ancient Egypt lost a patient while performing an operation, his hands were cut off.
Mind the gap in public transport
“…descending into the Underground was like being on an escalator to hell, travelling through the nation’s armpits whilst occasionally stopping off a stranger’s crotch central…”
No matter who you are and where you live (with exception of some), you’ll have been exposed to the endless media barrage of environmental issues. Yes, finally the ‘movement’ that started a few decades ago is gathering momentum, from the filtering of garbage into appropriate receptacles through to environmentally friendly motor engines (yes, I know that almost sounds like a contradiction), there are distinct changes afoot. Companies are clambering to be seen as environmentally friendly, it’s good PR, it’s fashionable and, in some cases, profitable. ‘Every little helps’ is the slogan of one of these companies that has gone as far as promoting, among many things, a fashionable (there’s that word again) ‘green’ bag that you can use again and again.
Meanwhile, the UK government is also doing its bit by forcing power suppliers to generate energy from renewable resources (see War of the Wind Farms) and by punishing evil ‘gas guzzling’ cars whilst rewarding everything that is environmentally friendly, including large corporations. This commitment to cutting greenhouse gasses is evidenced in its policy to double the price of car tax for a standard people carrier, and a serves-them-right hike for ‘self indulgent’ and ‘inconsiderate’ drivers of 4x4s. This is on top of soaring fuel costs and, let’s not forget, that famous 2p increase that was postponed. The spin machine would have us believe that the new tax is to deter us from jumping into future ‘gas guzzlers’ (which I can understand) but the tax will be levied on existing motor vehicles, which kind of negates the point. Or perhaps, reality unchecked bureaucrats are proposing that owners of now unaffordable, environmentally unfriendly cars jettison these and, despite rising living costs and the all new exciting credit crunch, splash out on a brand new eco friendly car. Either way, it’s all good for government as they’re becoming more popular with environmentalists whilst they’re still raking in three quarters of the cost of a litre of fuel, plus the extra 2p increase they feign to ‘umm and arr’ about, as well as the additional revenue they’re looking to fleece in higher taxes.
Most of us are intelligent enough to understand that, even generally speaking, we’re not truly respecting the ecology of the planet and measures have to be taken to safeguard the future. But support for measures can only be achieved by ensuring that we don’t get bent out of shape by the fact that nations ten times the size of ours don’t give a damn. Last time I looked, America, China and Australia were competing for the number one slot of world’s ‘dirtiest’ polluter; country whose power station emissions alone accounts for the release of over 2.8 billion tons of CO2 per annum. Yet, I don’t see the American President proudly announcing the fact that he’s going to double the cost of running a motor vehicle in an effort to force Americans out of their ‘yank tanks’ and onto public transport. On the contrary, Americans tend to boycott most treaties or protocols, citing in their defence that to do so would damage their economy. I’m not picking on America, I actually feel a lot of sympathy for Americans who are traumatised by the rising cost of ‘gas’ and are already seeking counselling from their government despite the fact that they pay a fraction of what we do in the UK. Meanwhile, the UK government appears to have no reservations about damaging its economy. When small hauliers decided to stage a peaceful protest against the fact that they were being put out of business in favour of their European counterparts, our elected government promised to ‘listen’. How kind.
When the majority of people are killing themselves working multiple jobs in an effort to make ends meet, the last thing they want to hear about are more taxes cynically disguised as a commitment to stop climate change. If the government truly wants us out of our cars then it has a duty to explain why we, a nation with one of the highest costs of living, are one of the few expected to shoulder the environmental burden and how we’re expected to ditch our preferred and most trustworthy method of transport in favour of a system that is degraded, unreliable and unable to fulfil its basic commercial obligation. I, for one, am tired of hearing environmentalists drone on about public transport when, at least where I live, bus routes have been cut! Not that I have or ever would use these services, and that’s not because I don’t care about the environment because I do, but simply because there are no realistically viable services from my rural location that would take me to my office in the heart of Cambridge.
Meanwhile, I and a colleague decided to test the public transport alternative on a business trip to London. It was a Tuesday morning in July, we wanted to avoid some of the early rush and crush so we scheduled a late meeting and took the 9:20 from Peterborough to Kings Cross. We joined over thirty more people on the St Neots platform as the First Capital Connect train slowly rolled in. My groan and that of some of the waiting passengers was audible as sardine-packed carriages trundled by before coming to a stop. We all naturally yet pointlessly converged on the train at the same time, hoping to find a spare seat, some did but most of us were forced to stand the whole sweltering hour it took to get to London, as did all of those who boarded from towns along the way. In London, we decided not to take a taxi but braved the underground. Now, regular commuters will know what I mean when I say that descending into the Underground was like being on an escalator to hell, travelling through the nation’s armpits whilst occasionally stopping off a stranger’s crotch central (if you’re lucky to get a seat). Needless to say, I arrived at my destination hot, bothered and with a strong urge to take another shower, and my day hadn’t even started! Don’t get me wrong, I really don’t mind travelling on the underground for ‘day trips’ during ‘non peak’ days out in London but it was, without a doubt, the most disgustingly uncomfortable commuting experience of my life, and I am in no hurry to repeat it. The best part was the oppressively warm ride home when, wedged between two other commuters, I took in the frayed fabric of my chair, the graffiti on the compartment wall and the clattering din of the uselessly open window. You can imagine my bemusement when my colleague leaned across to me and said, “Look on the bright side, this carriage is much nicer than the ones from Bedford.”
How on earth can the government justify ‘pricing’ us out of our car if the above is any kind of an example of the public transport system? I guess I should be thankful; at least the train was on time. I know there are many (and I really sympathise with you) who have to leave their houses hours earlier than normal just to ensure that they get to work at a reasonable time. Of course, the same does apply to car commuters but at least our comfort is commensurate with the amount of money that we can afford to spend on our cars. On public transport, it doesn’t matter how much we spend on a ticket, the luxury is capped at whatever the service operator decides to provide. In fact, they’re often spewing details of the billions that they spend each year improving our ‘experience’. Call me fussy, but in the spirit of basic general commerce, I’d settle for the fact that if I spend over £30 for a seat on one of their trains to London, I’d actually like to get one, but if I have to stand about in the corridor then I’d very much appreciate a discount as I’m quite clearly not getting what I paid for. I wouldn’t expect my local store to sell me half a pint of milk and if it did, I’d certainly have something to say about it, as would most of us. Yet, public transport appears to be another one of those British things that we just put up with. Although this time, it might have something to do with the fact that, unlike a grocery store, I can’t shop somewhere else. So much for privatisation.
Funny Monday; amusing stories and pictures from around the world
- MAN ARRESTED FOR SETTING FIRE TO GIRLFRIEND’S TRUCK. The 46 year old American was arrested for arson and aggravated menacing. The reason? She fell asleep whilst having sex with him.
- GERMAN HOUSEWIFE CALLS POLICE ON CHATTY FRIEND. A desperate housewife called police in Germany after a friend chatted to her for 30 hours non-stop. Ingrid Schuettler, 48, told police she’d invited her friend round for a cup of tea and a chat. But once they started talking, her pal “would not shut up” and kept going through the night and the next day! A police spokesman said: “After an incredible 30 hours, and several unsuccessful attempts to get her to leave, the woman saw no other solution than to call us.
- MAN ARRESTED AFTER LEAVING NEW YORK DELTA FLIGHT VIA EMERGENCY HATCH. The man from first class was so angry at seeing coach passengers disembark before him that he yanked open the hatch and slid down the chute. He was arrested by Guyanese police.
- WOMAN BREAKS HUSBANDS ARM WITH PLANK OF WOOD. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically,
almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his mp3 player.
- EXPLOSIVE GAS BILL. Commenting on a complaint from one of its customers about a large gas bill, the company spokesman said “We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey was charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.”
Sound bites:
- Baldrick, you’re fired! But I’ve been in your family since 1532! So has syphilis, now get out!”.
- Part of a speech at employee’s leaving do: “Well, I’ve had a wonderful time, only this wasn’t it.”
- He – “Can I buy you a drink?” She – “Actually I’d rather have the money.”
He “Hi, didn’t we go out once or twice?” She – “Must have been once, I never make the same mistake twice.”
He – “What would you say if I asked you to marry me?” She – “Nothing, I can’t talk and laugh at the same time.”
She “How many times do I have to flush before you go away?” - “My position, sir, does not allow me to argue with you. But if it ever came to a choice of weapons, I should choose grammar.”
- “There are two things I don’t like about you, Mr Churchill; your politics and your moustache.” Churchill: “My dear madam, pray do not disturb yourself. You are not likely to come into contact with either.”.
- Consultant: “Computers are just like women, irrational.”
Woman: “Well, that’s quite ironic, because I thought it was the converse.”
Consultant: “Really? That computers are like men, rational?”
Woman: “Well, not rational as such… more in the sense that you get all excited about the new computer that you buy from the shop, but when you get it home, and get the packaging off, it’s always a big disappointment.”
- Senior Warrant Officer (jabbing a recruit with his pace stick): “There is a piece of s**t at the end of this stick!” Recruit: “Not at this end there isn’t.”
- Fireman: “At one stage, we decided to fight fire with fire, well, basically, your house burned down.”
- “Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway!”
- “When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep and not screaming like the passengers in his car.”
- “Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s just that yours is stupid.”
- “After 12 months, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes; no hablo ingles.”
- “If love is blind, why is lingerie popular?”
Smile, these are actual London Underground announcements
”Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction”.
“Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.”
“Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now….’Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..’”.
“We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that”.
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: “step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman… unfortunately towels are not provided”.
“Let the passengers off the train FIRST!” (Pause…) “Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home….”
“Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open’. The two are distinct and separate instructions.” “Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.”
“We can’t move off because some idiot has their f****ng hand stuck in the door”
“To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage – what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?”
“Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause…) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train – put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down here and shove them up your a**e sideways.”
War of the Wind Farms
My investigation into the pros and cons of having a wind farm in your backyard.
Other than St Neots council’s inability to secure a local cinema and a way to spend the generous £1 million Rowley gift, no topic has received quite as much ink or is as controversial as npower renewables’ plan to build a wind farm near Graveley which would be visible from many surrounding areas, including Toseland and Great Paxton. The proposed site, known as Cotton Wind Farm, will feature [I say will because when this article was orignally written, campaigners were doing their best to block planning persmision but failed] 8 wind turbines with a potential tip height of 127m and a total generating capacity between 16MW and 24MW (depending on type of turbine installed) estimated to generate enough power to satisfy the annual electricity needs of 6,900 to 10,000 homes. Campaigners, true to form, have been doing a good job of highlighting the perceived evils of wind farms by publishing pictures of disintegrating turbines and steroid-fed photomontages, as well as countless stories about ‘shadow flicker’ (more about this later) inducing seizures in children, plummeting house prices, noise pollution, to the point that it has damaged human and animal health and, worse still, the fact that the npower conglomerate stands to fill its greedy coffers with huge government subsidies. With all this, I was ready to grab and placard and start marching up and down the high street, especially since one of the communities affected by Cotton Farm would be my own. That was until I realised that most of what I knew came from the anti brigade and thus, you’ll appreciate, it was one sided. I felt I should find out more about something that I disliked yet knew nothing about.
My investigation began one Wednesday afternoon when I climbed into my car and drove to North Pickenham in Norfolk where I decided that, no matter what, I was going to get up close and personal with one of the monolithic beasts. I knew this site would be a good example of the Cotton Farm proposal as it too features 8 turbines but with a slightly shorter tip height of 125m. I’d barely entered the town of Swaffham when two of the turbines broke the skyline at the end of the high street, as if standing sentry over shoppers as they hurriedly went about their business. I wasn’t sure how I felt about this vision; I wanted to dislike it but actually preferred it to the myriad of power cables unceremoniously stitched from street to street. I turned south east towards the old airfield, approximately 2 miles from Swafham. The gate to the wind farm was open and, without a thought that I might be trespassing, I drove into a wide gravelled car park. I stepped out of the car to be buffeted by a strong breeze, which helped me appreciate just how effective the flatness of an airfield can be to wind farming, when my thoughts were interrupted by an intermittent swooping sound. I looked up and froze; I was so intent on looking at the other seven turbines that I didn’t realise, I’d actually parked right underneath one! For a few seconds I was rooted to the spot in awe; such was the majesty of the structure, and when I regained control of my senses, I actually felt a pang of fear, which was a momentary, irrational yet natural reaction to the alien object towering over me like a tripod from War of the Worlds. I actually considered moving my car for fear that the giant might collapse on us both but I didn’t. Instead, I listened carefully to the low whirring sound, which I later learned is the gearing mechanism, it was rhythmically accompanied by the whooshing of the blades as they stereophonically turned, and I have to confess that they weren’t that loud, nothing like the cacophony that I expected to hear, considering I was standing right underneath it. My ignorance had led me to expect, among many sounds, the squeal of rusty metal. Beyond the wind farm, approximately 700m away, I could see the first building of the village of North Pickenham; a quaint British village with a clutch of houses, bungalows and a ubiquitous pub. I drove over and stopped in front of the bungalows. Between them, beyond a field, was one of the turbines. It was a fairly warm and close day, the air was still which meant I could hear the sound of traffic far in the distance, the remarkably loud mating call of a wood pigeon and even a baby in a house somewhere but nothing from the direction of the wind farm. Of course, this experiment wasn’t necessarily conclusive and nowhere near the scientific standard imposed on all wind farm projects but it gave me a good firsthand idea.
I stopped off for lunch at The Swann Inn in Hilborough, another village not far from the wind farm, and tucked into a delicious ham baguette. Like any good reporter, I took the opportunity to chat with the pub’s landlady. I asked her how she felt about living so close to the wind farm. “It’s great. We love it,” she said with a shrug and smile as if I’d just asked a silly question. I asked if she’d heard any complaints from any of the pub’s patrons. She shook her head. “What about property values?” I asked, “It’s believed that wind farms can seriously devalue nearby property.” She told me she didn’t think it was true and that she certainly hadn’t heard anything about that. I thanked the nice lady but concluded I wasn’t going take her word for it. I telephoned three of the main estate agents in the area, all specialising in the sales and letting of property in North Pickenham and put the same question to all of them; did they believe that property in the area had been devalued as a direct result of the wind farm. All said no. Two of them mentioned that the market had experienced some uncertainty when the wind farm was being built, “people just didn’t know what to expect,” said Ian Revell of Ian Revell Estate Agents, “but this all changed once the wind farm became operational and things settled down.”
So, somewhat bemused, I made my way home. Okay, so I hadn’t quite found the smoking gun yet but there were still some serious questions that needed answers. So, armed with copious cups of coffee, I sat at my laptop and ploughed my way through various articles on the subject and the gargantuan environmental assessment authored by independent consultants and commissioned by npower renewables as part of its planning application. The document took two years to complete and features a detailed analysis of the aspects of Cotton Farm including, among many, landscape, ecology, ornithology, noise, traffic, archaeology, cultural heritage, and so on. All of the studies were conducted in accordance with guidelines laid out by Natural England (the statutory consultee on ecological issues). One interesting aspect of the research revealed that Huntingdon District Council had already undertaken a landscape and sensitivity assessment in February 2006, the results of which deemed Cotton Farm area as “..low sensitivity” and able to accommodate “…a small scale turbine group” and that this “…would not have any adverse effect on the landscape character.” [it was these comments that ultimately lost the action group their case since it was concluded that even the local authority had endorsed the building of a small scale wind farm) The part that really caught my attention was the section detailing the results of the computer models built to predict ‘shadow flicker’; the flickering shadow cast by the blade of the turbine as it passes in front of the sun. 17 houses closest to the wind farm could be affected by shadow flicker but I learned that wind speed, sun and trajectory need to be in alignment for it to represent a significant nuisance. Nonetheless, I believed that any risk was bad enough. That was until I discovered the fact that modern turbines are computerised and thus can be fitted with a series of sensors, capable of monitoring meteorological conditions, comparing these with a computer model of the area and determining whether or not shadow flicker could occur. If so, a turbine can automatically switch itself off and back on again once the potential for shadow flicker has passed.
What about the exorbitant government subsidies that I’d heard so much about? Well, it turns out that there aren’t any direct subsidies. The UK government’s current target is to supply 15% of the UK’s electricity from renewable resources by 2015 with a possible increase to 30% by 2020. To meet this target, it passed the ‘Renewable Obligation Order’ of 2005 that compels individual energy companies to provide a percentage (expected to be 10% by 2010) of their electricity from renewable resources. If a company fails to generate the required percentage, then it must buy the energy from someone who has via a ROC (Renewable Obligation Certificate). This is proof of generation which, when bought, is passed to the buyer. ROCs are traded on the open market to the highest bidder. They are in great demand (sometimes selling for more than power!) and thus very valuable because if a company fails to generate the required percentage of renewable energy, or buy the appropriate amount of ROC’s, fines can be imposed.
There’s naturally much more to this story but there’s a limit to how much I can write. I didn’t like the idea of a wind farm so close to where I live. Why? I don’t really know. Fear, I suppose. Like the dark, I was afraid of the unknown. All I knew is what the campaigners had taught me. But I am a staunch believer that knowledge is power. Over the past three days I armed myself with knowledge, not with rhetoric, a balloon or a t shirt with a slogan stamped across it. I set out to make up my own mind about something I knew nothing about. There is no doubt that our climate is changing, we don’t need an army of scientists to tell us that, we can see the change for ourselves; the weather, the unusual behaviour of insects and so on. Cotton Farm is part of the initiative to combat global warming; each megawatt produced from a renewable resource will negate the need for one produced by the burning of fossil fuels, which as we all know, are bad for the environment. An alternative needs to be found and whilst I, like many, don’t necessarily want the alternative in my back yard, I much prefer it to a nuclear or fossil fuel burning power station. Furthermore, I believe that any authors who submit a written statement to planners that purports to be a representation of the general public should ensure that the general public is given adequate notice to attend meetings so that they may present their opinion and or evidence to support it.
In the meantime, what little research I have conducted on the issue has brought me to one conclusion and that is that I do not believe that the reasons for opposing this project are about the health of people and wildlife or plummeting house prices but it’s about change, fear of the unknown and anti campaigners have used this to energise their own agenda. When push comes to shove, Cotton Farm is not about noise pollution or shadow flicker; it’s about whether or not you like the look of these giant machines and whether or not you can embrace change. The only person who can answer that, is you.■
©Tony Marturano 2008
Originally published in issue 3 of a Different Angle Magazine
20 Rules for men (by women)
- Eastenders’ omnibus edition is over an hour long, this would be the perfect time to mow the lawn, tinker with the car, or any of the 20 other things we have to constantly remind you to do.
- A barbecue outside on the patio does not constitute a fine dinner out. (Citronella candles do NOT set a romantic mood either)
- Go on, admit it. You secretly like us calling you at work or when you’ve been out of our sight for what we believe is a long time.
- Shorts and white socks with sandals is NOT sexy.
- While we all should be in the spirit of recycling, shouldn’t you give up wearing the bubble gum coloured, ‘holy’ underwear, even if some are placed just so?
- We already know what you are thinking. Sometimes we just need clarification.
- Don’t complain about OUR vast array of shoes, and we won’t pick on you about YOUR vast collection of trainers for every occasion.
- Things you can help with: fixing things that don’t need to be fixed, holding the instruction manuals while we put the new things together, and lighting a fire.
- Shopping IS a spectator sport, and you are the lucky spectator. Accept this harsh reality, as will we when the roles reverse, say, at the local gadget or electronics store.
- How is it that men seem to lose their way to the laundry room after marriage? We know you did it before you married us, we’ve seen the pink sheen on your supposedly white underwear.
- Football matches are pretty well covered on TV, that’s not including the dissection time in between breaks by has-been footballers. So, if you miss something due to us talking to you, chances are you’ll hear all about it afterwards anyway, so relax.
- We appreciate your input on most issues, but that excludes our favourite programs. A recap complete with intervals of “I can’t believe you’re making me watch this” are unnecessary.
- Women have a better sense of direction than men. Accept it.
- When lost without satellite navigation, asking for directions really is okay. Swearing at us whilst driving around aimlessly is not.
- Towels dry faster when they are hung up on the towel rod not crumpled on the floor along with your dirty socks.
- Take time to smell the flowers. Then bring some home to remind us how much you care.
- And no, sex in the morning is no substitute for saying “I love you.”
- Don’t bother showing us where the oil and washer fluid goes in our car or even how to fix it. This is one of the many reasons why we married you.
- A grunt is seldom an answer to any question.
- Burping is not sexy.
Rules for women (by men)
Men and women are always defining rules for each other. These are the rules according to [most] men.
- Toilet seat. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining.
- Weekend. The weekend equals sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
- Shopping. It’s NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
- Blackmail. Crying is blackmail. Just ask. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
- Yes and No. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
- Problem solving. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
- Headaches. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
- Not admissible. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
- Fat. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
- Misinterpretation. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
- Ask or tell. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
- Commercial break. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
- Directions. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
- Colour blind. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.
- Scratching. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
- What’s wrong? If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
- Questions. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
- What to wear? When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
- Thinking. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.
- In shape. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
- THANK YOU. Thank you for reading this; yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping. ■
Women, I’ll seek to redress the balance in the next post. Promise. In the meantime, feel free to leave any comments below!
10 ‘interesting’ facts
1. By partially filling saucers with vinegar and distributing these around a room, you can eliminate odours.
2. On average, a movie makes about 5 times more from its DVD sales than ticket takings.
3. By the age of 60, most people have lost 50% of their taste buds.
4. Seaweed is used to thicken ice cream.
5. During the filming of ‘Apocalypse Now’, director Francis Ford Coppola threatened suicide several times and lost 100 pounds.
6. A rat can fall from a five story building without injury.
7. You can’t create a folder called ‘con’ in Microsoft Windows.
8. The first patented condom was meant to be reused!
9. Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a football.
10. 1/3 of Taiwanese funeral processions include a stripper!
More interesting facts next week! Subscribe
Over 35? Congratulations, you survived!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and or drank alcohol while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos…
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, bread and dripping, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer. 
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints, we had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and we rode our bikes with no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC or Subway.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn’t open on a Sunday, somehow we didn’t starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers and Bubble Gum.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter. We drank real milk from a cow and soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because…..
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were OK.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have PlayStations, Nintendo Wii, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY. No DVD films or colour TV, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms……….WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.
Only girls had pierced ears!
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt.
Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns could only be bought at Easter time…
We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Mum didn’t have to go to work to help dad make ends meet because we didn’t need to keep up with the Jones’!
Not everyone made the rugby, football, cricket, netball team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that! Getting into the team was based on MERIT
Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and throw the blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren’t concentrating. We can string sentences together and spell and have proper conversations because of a good, solid three R’s education. Our parents would tell us to ask a stranger to help us cross the road. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!
Our parents didn’t invent stupid names for their kids like ‘Kiora’ and ‘Blade’ and ‘Ridge’ and ‘Vanilla’
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all!
So, if you are over 35, take solace from the fact that you are part of an exceptional group of people who, against all odds, survived!
Most junk email and chain letters are only fit for the recycle bin. But on the rare occasion you’ll find a gem that’ll make you stop and think. This was one of them. Credit: unknown.
Funny Monday; amusing stories and pictures from around the world
And so it begins…. another Monday and another series of funnies, courtesy of a Different Angle. Enjoy!
- Only in America… A female employee of Eastman Kodak is suing the company under the Americans With Disabilities Act. The woman claims she suffers from ‘seasonal affective disorder’, a form of depression, and wants Kodak to provide more light where she works – in a photographic darkroom!
- Crossed emails.“That little sex kitten has been driving me wild. She’s moaning and begging for it every minute. Last night I was afraid someone would hear, and we’d be thrown out of the building. But don’t worry — all is arranged. Wednesday she gets the knife”.Suspecting that a crime was in the making., the employee’s boss, who had intercepted this email, alerted the authorities. The man was arrested on the spot and spent an uncomfortable night discussing the situation with the police. However, was released in the morning, just in time to get his female cat to the vet for spaying. The man was quoted as saying, “Here’s another example of how a small pussy can get you into trouble.” He’s considering legal action for invasion of privacy.
- Greedy witness. ”Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner’s Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.”
- Sexy moaner. A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards after dialling an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled “Hear Me Moan”, the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, “He got what he deserved.”
- School Exams: “Name the four seasons - Salt, mustard, pepper, vinegar”.
“What is artificial respiration commonly known as? – The Kiss of Death”.
“Name a major disease associated with smoking – premature death.”
“The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader”
“Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”
“For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration.”
That’s all folks… Check back next Monday for more!
Pictures published under the belief that they are public domain
10 ‘interesting’ facts
1. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen’s image upside-down. “Oops!”
2. In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman’s helmet. “Good to know.”
3. A male doctor in Bahrain can only examine the genitals of a woman in the reflection of a mirror. “I guess that would settle the lawsuits.”
4. Humans are the only species on earth who have face to face sex. “No comment.”
5. If you lick a stamp you are consuming 1/10 of a calorie. “If only I’d learned that sooner!”
6. There are no words in the English language that rhyme with purple and orange.
7. Generally, women hear better than men! “Is that a fact?”
8. Sloths move so slow, algae grows on them. “I can hear it already…what did you say I have growing on me?”
9. It is physically impossible to lick your own elbow. “You just had to try, didn’t you?”
10. “And now will y’all stand and be recognised,” said Gib Lewis—Texas Speaker of The House to a group of people in wheelchairs. “Trust an American!”
And if you simply can’t get enough of these factoids then stay tuned as this is the first of a weekly series of blog posts. And, of course, if you like, hate or simply have a fact you’d like featured, leave a comment or send an email.
Thinking of taking pictures of your own children? Think again.
For most of us, having children is an instinct that we’re branded with at birth and become aware of shortly after emerging from our teens. For some it’s sooner, for others much later. Regardless of when we choose to start a family, the instinct is often the same; to love and protect those for whom we care the most.
How many times have you crowed about your child’s latest achievement? How many times have you stopped and listened to somebody else do the same (and feign interest)? We can’t help it; if they win, we share it and if they lose, well it wasn’t worth winning anyway. But what if they win and we want a record? Maybe take a picture or hundred, shoot a video perhaps? We all do it, don’t we? Well maybe we used to but not anymore. Things are definitely changing and not necessarily for the best. 
When 9/11 happened, the world was naturally horrified by the senseless loss of life that shocked America into introducing some of the most draconian security measures of our time. Naturally, these focused primarily on airports. I remember it well; shoes removed, laptops x rayed, questions asked, photos taken, fingerprints scanned and bodies frisked. And that was just when you were leaving the country! Fast forward a few years and not much has changed, except for the apathy of airport security personnel who now go about their business with the same enthusiasm of cattle farmers. Gone is the urgency to protect the land of the free from highly flammable baby milk and exploding bacon sandwiches, in its place is growing complacency for a routine which has now become a way of life. Whichever way you play it, the terrorists have won. If anything, the barbarians will go down in history for having changed travelling life as we knew it. Thankfully, we Brits didn’t succumb to the same knee jerk reactions. Well, we did for a while but it all became somewhat ‘inconvenient’ so we focused instead on a much more palpable threat, one that directly threatens our children. Sex offenders are a new breed of terrorist. I haven’t researched the figures but I’d say that they have always been among us although recently they appear to be spawning in far greater numbers. Or is it simply that we’re more aware of them these days thanks to the media? Let’s face it, not many days go by without yet another stomach churning incident that, to anybody who loves a child, is just as devastating as a hijacked plane or a bomb on a bus. Understandably, our government, not unlike the American Senate, wants to be seen as strong and decisive.
Thus, albeit slowly, we appear to be adopting the same almost fanatical approach to our domestic problems.
Picture the scene; it’s a grey, drizzly Sunday afternoon and you’ve dragged yourself out of bed to take your child to play junior league football. Some if not all of his or her friends are there with their parents. They too have been deprived of precious sleeping time so that they may proudly cheer on their young one as he (or she) valiantly kicks the football around a pitch. It’s probably the best game of the season, your child’s excited, you’re excited, and it’s one of those priceless moments that you want to keep for posterity. So, you pull out your digital camera and, just as your child is about to score a goal, the camera clicks but you capture a flesh coloured blur. You emerge from the viewfinder to discover that a complete stranger has a hand over your camera lens and is telling you to stop taking pictures, the reason; because they object to you taking photos of their child. Confused, you explain that “I’m taking pictures of my son not yours” whilst secretly thinking, “Who on earth would want to take pictures of your child anyway?” Well, sadly, there are some deviants out there who would. So what has been the reaction of some local authorities? Ban picture taking at school events. Some have gone as far as issuing consent forms to parents asking whether or not they agree to their child being photographed during their school career. So, how easy do you think this will be to administer at school events? “Ok children, all of you with the green forms play over here where the cameras are and all of your with the red forms play over there.” It’s madness!
You may have no intention of taking pictures of somebody else’s son or daughter but nonetheless, the fledgling Beckhams of tomorrow may inadvertently fall foul of your lens and you might actually commit the crime of boring the pants off unsuspecting houseguests with pictures of your treasure’s junior league football match which, quite shockingly, will feature the rest of the football team! Is this not an extreme reaction to an already sad situation? We’re sending a clear signal to this new breed of terrorism that they no longer have to blow up buildings or crash planes to force us to completely overreact and relinquish not only our freedoms but those of our children. There’s no doubt that our world is changing; the weather, the taste of our food, our lifestyle. Let’s not give the terrorists a helping hand to change the ways in which we enjoy precious quality time with those that matter to us the most.
Originally published in issue 1 of a Different Angle Magazine.
Funny Monday
MEMO to all staff:
- “A seminar on how to dress for casual day will be held at 4pm followed by a fashion show.”
Dilbert says:
- “Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?”
- “Someday we’ll look back on all this and plough into a parked car.”
- “An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience.”
Company Motivation:
- ‘Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they created it by killing everybody who opposed them.’
- ‘Eagles may soar but weasels don’t get sucked into engines.’
- ‘The beatings will continue until morale improves. Teamwork means never having to take the blame.’
The Difference between you and your boss:
- If you’re slow, he’s thorough.
- If you don’t do it, you’re lazy, if he doesn’t, he’s busy.
- If you make a mistake, you’re an idiot, if he does, he’s only human.
- If you’re off sick, you’re always sick, if he’s off sick, he must be really ill!
Relationship breakup cards.
- As the days go by, I think about how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.
- When we were together you always said you’d die for me, now we’ve broken up it’s time you kept that promise.
- I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.
Enjoy your day!
Budget Airlines; cheap but not always cheerful!
There’s no doubt that ‘no thrills’ airlines, such as Easyjet and Ryanair, have contributed to the increasing popularity of air travel. With prices starting from just a penny per leg, millions click and charge their way to exotic locations every year. I mean so what if the flight cost 1p without and £30 with taxes, Bristol beckons! 
After all, it’s much cheaper than flying British Midland. And so what if it sometimes costs in excess of £100 for a mere name change on a seat you’ve already paid for, it’s still cheaper than British Airways. Isn’t it? The answer is yes, if you stick to the schedule that it.
But should paying less for your flight equal less common courtesies?
A friend of mine once bought a so called 1p flight with Ryanair to Newquay, Cornwall. It wasn’t a special occasion, he just fancied a day trip and whilst he ended up paying much more than 1 pence each way, it was still cheaper and quicker than going by car. However, for reasons I won’t bore you with and like hundreds every year, he was held up at security which resulted in him being THREE minutes late to his gate where he was met by a poe faced Barby who took one glance at his breathless, anxious demeanour and, with a shake of the head, told him “Sorry, flight’s closed,” she then proceeded to pull the chain of the cattle pen shut and went about her business. There was no discussion, that was it. Of course, like many before him, he was ready to plead his case had the terminator afforded him the time but he knew it would have been pointless since his experience is in no way unique and somewhat endemic in the budget airline community.
One of the reasons for the notorious “If you’re late, we won’t wait” motto is the fact that, unlike us mere mortals who fill up their tanks and go, aeroplane captains are required to perform a headcount prior to departure and then a series of complex calculations which tell them how much fuel (and a bit) they need to get to their destination. Less fuel reduces the overall weight of the craft and in turn saves money. Once the captain has completed his arithmetic for the day he is seldom inclined to repeat the experience. But whilst I can understand this commercially oriented mentality, I cannot understand the existence of the over inflated egos of the staff who clearly subscribe to the unofficial understanding that if you buy a cheap ticket then you should get, ‘cheap service’. Manners cost nothing, and occasionally, a bit of compassion wouldn’t go amiss either,even if there isn’t much you can do about it because ‘it’s company policy’. Stop for a second to consider that for you it’s just another day at the office by for the person travelling it could be the event of a lifetime.
If staff at EasyJet and Ryanair are unable to achieve a sense of job satisfaction in their present occupation then they should take this up with their managers or seek alternate employment not take their frustration out on us travellers who, albeit for our selfish reasons, are paying their wages.
That said I‘ve vowed not to do so (promise), I’d much rather stay home if I can’t afford to travel but when I do, it will be with a reputable airline whom I know that for a few more pennies is going to feed me a pre-packaged meal with a welcome sprinkling of patronisation. As for the ‘ job’s worths’ out there: If you, like many, are not lucky enough to say that you love your job and are feeling somewhat unfulfilled then perhaps you should take whatever skills you may possess and apply them to a profession where they would be much more appreciated, say, in the cattle ranching or sadism industries. But then, I wouldn’t want to be presumptuous, perhaps you’d be kind enough to extend the travelling public the same courtesy.
If you’ve been the victim of bad customer service, whether that be with a budget airline or anybody else, share your story with others. Leave a comment below.
This article was originally published in issue 1 of a Different Angle. Ryanair no longer flies to Newquay.
a Different Angle magazine makes online comeback!
Dubbed the small magazine (A5) with a BIG mouth, a Different Angle wrote about everyday topics but, you’ve guessed it, from a different angle. At its peak, the magazine boasted a circulation of 18,000 with an approximate 2,500 additional online e-edition readers. Not bad for something that started out as an A4 grocery store newsletter! 
a Different Angle was my take on topical local, national and international news articles. Others reported the news, I actually commented on it, as most do when we read or watch a news segment or program. I decided to write about it, and this proved to be very popular, even more so because the articles were sometimes, albeit mildly, controversial; a Different Angle often said what many were thinking.
However, the magazine was expensive to produce and was self funded (through advertising) which meant that when it didn’t meet its quota, I’d have to raid the piggy bank to cover printing and distribution costs. Needless to say, this all became too much once the recession bit and, after seven editions over two years, a Different Angle ceased publication…
Until now! With the advent of social mediums, such as Facebook, Twitter, etcetera and the ability to interface these with an official blog, all of which are easily available from most mobile devices, it’s the perfect time for the small magazine with a BIG mouth to enjoy a revival, albeit in electronic format.
So, to get everybody reacquainted with this well loved periodical, I’ll be serialising some of its most popular articles/excepts (popular by the amount of emails received. The December 2008 cover received an unprecedented amount of emails. Bet you can’t guess why!).
I’ll also be introducing some new articles with the view to picking up where we left off.
So, strap yourself in. ‘It’s going to be a bumpy ride’”!
The Psycho Network; Facebook’s darker side
Okay, so it’s been a long day and I decide I’m going to crash out in front of the TV. I browse the listings and come across a program called CATFISH; a documentary about some guy who meets his dream girl on Facebook.
Set in the USA, this program is basic in its format but for those of you who didn’t have the pleasure of watching, (and chances won’t because it is not currently available from 4 On Demand, much to the dismay of many) it has got to rank as one of the creepiest things I have seen in a long time.
In brief, boy (Nev), who happens to be a photographer/film director, has a picture published in the paper. A few days later he receives a painting rendition of his photograph from an 8 year old child prodigy (Abby) who, it turns out, happens to be a successful painter. Nev becomes friends with Abby on Facebook where he then has the pleasure of meeting (albeit virtually) the rest of the family: Her mother (Angela), her brother, her father, their friends and Abby’s older sister, Megan with whom Nev becomes smitten. He adds all of them as ‘friends’ on Facebook and regularly corresponds by wall postings, emails and the sharing of photos and videos. Not only is Megan beautiful but she has a beautiful family.
Nev also keeps in regular contact with Megan and, occasionally, her mother (Angela) by telephone until he can no longer bare the distance and decides to make the journey from New York to Michigan to see her. This is when the unravelling of one of the most tangled webs begins. It starts with Megan dedicating a song to Nev (one that she allegedly sang herself). Only he discovers that the tune was actually recorded by somebody else and is from a YouTube post. Things go downhill from there until Nev shows up on Angela’s doorstep.
He discovers that Megan is actually forty (or fifty) something year old Angela and that she has two mobile phones; one for Angela and one for her alter ego, Megan, and that ‘Megan’ (when not talking to Nev on the phone) is busy fabricating a whole fictitious world around herself on Facebook. With me so far? This includes creating no less than 13 profiles (alter egos) of people who played the part of family members and friends. The alto egos would post comments and pictures to Facebook at different times, would reply to each other’s posts and would message Nev about each other.
Why? Because she ‘loved Nev’s smile’ and didn’t want to ‘lose his friendship’.
It turns out that Angela is a pretty sad character. She married a man with two seriously handicapped children and gave up her dream of becoming a professional ballet dancer many years before to stay at home and care for them full time. She does have an 8 year old daughter called Abby but she hardly paints, the artist is Angela. Nev also goes onto learn that the picture of Megan actually belongs to a a model/dancer who is already happily married to another man. She is no relation to Angela just somebody whose pictures were ‘stolen’ by Angela to play a role.
I would have to say that I found this story deeply disturbing but not because I’d never heard of anything like it before but more because of the emotional impact it had on Nev. Angela selfishly trifled with his emotions to satisfy her own deep sadness, loneliness. I don’t even think she has a screw loose (as much as many will think she did), I believe she simply got herself into a very sad situation from which there was no easy way out. She enjoyed Nev’s attention and enjoyed flirting with him.
Whatever Angela’s motivation, the reality remains that whilst the virtual age has bridged oceans and joined continents it’s also opened up a whole new Pandora’s Box of human suffering which in turn is fuelling an already cynical world. They say that if Facebook were a country, it’d be the third largest, and what a beautiful country it’d be albeit one not without its own depravity.
How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
Take a few seconds (or minutes) to consider that. Well?
To help you in your contemplation, I’ve included a link to a recently released video from the New Scientist. Watch and weep at the beauty of it all.
If you have headphones, plug them in and turn up the volume (after the commercial that precedes it!)
Enjoy
